Good Grief

You might have to excuse me
 

I've lost control of all my senses
 

You might have to excuse me
 

I've lost control of all my w o r d s

So pick me up

Up off the floor

Put me in my place

  

          Put me in my place .

Curled up on my bed, I tried to ignore it.

The vicious realization that I really didn't have very  many friends.

"You just need more friends, that's all." I quietly thought to myself.

I went through the contacts on my phone.

Most of them were family, daycare parents, parents I baby sit for, and a few of my good friends.

Now, I can't complain.

I have a great amount of friends - but the problem is; some of my closest friends live across the ocean.

In Germany.

In France.

In England.

and Ireland.

And my friends here?

Life is slowly making us grow apart.

My Town's Christmas parade is tomorrow.

And because none of my small group of friends want to go, I might end up standing alone.

Each year, my heart feels a bit sorrowful.

I took my best friend to our Christmas Parade.

And she loved it. Her mother told me she talked about it for days after I took her.

I wish she were here now. I wish I could see her face again.

I wish I could take her to the parade again.

I miss her. I miss her so much.

She was the friend who never bailed on me. Who called me to see how I was.

She never let me down.

She was the one who walked around my  high school with a poster.

She had random students write me get well messages on it after my car crash.

She was the girl who I exchanged Christmas gifts with each year.

Now, If I ever want to be close to her, I drive out to the country.

And I stand at her grave.

I talk to her stone. I pray.

I lean on the cold rock. 

I cant feel her; but I pretend I can.

I know she is somewhere else - but having a grave makes everything more comforting.

Its a destination. A permanent place.

And still today, I have those moments.

Those moments when you're standing in the shower - with hot water pelting against your skin.

Or when you're looking at the sun set, or the stars above.  

Its when you're driving your car.

When you're looking out the window at the chipmunks and birds.

Or when you are standing downtown; amongst the Christmas lit shadows, amongst the children bursting with anticipation for the Christmas Parade.

It is then when you realize. 

You remember.

She's gone.

And for a split second, you panic.

Your world begins to spin.

So you shut your eyes and count to ten.

Memories fill your head like a circus of vivid and whimsical wonderment.  

Suddenly something jolts inside of you.

And your eyes flick wide open. The world is back to normal.

But she's dead.  

Your head hurts, and you desperately need someone to put you back in your place.

So you can keep getting through life.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Immanuel]

I liked everything, but found the song distracting, but thank you for your piece regardless.

[Donyay Thomas]

nice job i can feel the pain

[FArhaan FAzal]

its epic man

[Kumar]

so nice dear . Every feeling in it

[Coyote Poetry]

A very journey on your words.
"Memories fill your head like a circus of vivid and whimsical wonderment.
Suddenly something jolts inside of you.
And your eyes flick wide open. The world is back to normal. "
I liked the above lines. Realistic thoughts leading us to sadness and real life. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry dear friend.
Coyote

[Hi]

Conflicting emotions here; trying to be grateful, but seems more sorrowful. I think "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" applies well to friends.

I do hope you live a life in mostly celebration of your friend and when you do that then the tears will come at the right time. Thanks for sharing.

[wordman]

losing a friend is always hard,and most friends are superficial ,when the chips are down
the true friends will show up,but few

[Valentine]

Funny how aging and distance cause the cooling off of close friendships. I have 3 still from childhood we write, phone, e mail but live in different states now. What hurt me the most was the ones living near when I had seizures for those 10 years dropped me like dead flies. To get new friends kid..one has to be friendly. I am in a different state now and slowly learning to trust strangers. Valentine

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I don't have words to explain how I felt after reading this.. Currently I'm in the same situation except for the dying part coz my friend is still there somewhere. Only unresponsive. It feels too vulnerable to feel like this but one can't help it. I loved reading your composition...

[B]

I must say i can relate to your write
most of my closest friends have left the region
and we still call each other

but those nights when you feel like choking

you wish they were there

i enjoy reading your work a lot .... very humble