Dear Joshua

A Story by Kathryn Smith

Will I lose my dignity

Will someone care?

Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

I cant control my destiny I trust my soul

My only goal is just to be

Dear Joshua,

Hello my brother! How are you doing up in there? Sometimes...actually quite often, I wish you had survived. You're only 1 year older than me after all...and I feel as though we would have gotten along swimmingly. I feel as though you would've had my back. You would've stood up for me. And best off all..maybe you would have understood me.

As you can probably tell from watching over your family - things aren't always picture perfect.

I was nearly in tears tonight because our father is voting for Donald Trump. I keep trying to tell him not to, but he will not listen to me. I am very heartbroken over this. He gets very political..and he just will not listen to me.

Don't even get me started on Trump.

I just don't understand how people can brush off the things he says.

I don't understand as human beings how we can possibly let him represent our country.

I don't understand how the world got so dark. It has to get better. It just has to!

It's a mess here Josh. And I keep getting this dreadful feeling of doom. What is going to happen to us?

Amidst all this election madness I wanted to tell you something else.

I've kept this to myself for most of my life - but I have never felt very respected in our family. It's never been easy. A lot of my childhood memories are of hurt feelings and tears.

I feel quite lonesome.

No one takes me seriously. Ever.

Both our parents can be quite harsh.

I've been heartbroken about something very damaging that happened to me recently.

And my mother had no sympathy whatsoever.

It killed me.

She just said it was my own fault - and that I should be over it.

According to my family I should be over -

Megan's death and the car crash.

My surgery.

How my life changed.

I should be over emotional abuse

And I should be over heartbreak.

Joshua there is a lump in my throat as I am writing this.

I feel as though I am a burden in my family.

They don't seem to like to hear me chirping away.

And whenever I come up with my thoughts my sister and brother disagree and gang up on me.

I am never right. I am always wrong. Always.

I am always the one at fault.

Milestones are not important because they were already reached.

The things I learn and talk about are brushed off because "They know that already."

I've been working on a project for a class. I took a roll of saran wrap out of it's box and stuffed it in my bag this morning.

My father thought the wrap was gone so he put the box in the recycling in the kitchen.

My mother got annoyed at me for not taking the box to school too - she and my sister yelled at me for not taking the box with. I tried explaining it was easier for me and this way I had more room without the box. I was in a hurry. I didn't think to take the box.

They still scolded me. They didn't listen. They never really do.

I got the box out of the recycling and I placed the wrap back in it's place.

I didn't know father was going to throw it away.

Joshua - our brother loves our sister. He talks her ear off. They get along very well...and me?

They do not seem to like me. I'm just their annoying baby sister who they always call out. They always seem to have a problem with me. I am so sick of it.

I just want to be me. and I want me to be liked.

All I want is respect in my family - and I do not have it.

Josh. Do you remember? Do you remember when the Harry Potter books came out?

Our mother read them to our brother and sister in my brothers room. She locked the door so I couldn't come in and listen too.

All my life - this is what it has been like.

Locked doors.

It's no wonder I like to be alone.

I love my family - I always will.

I just for once...I want some kindness.

I want some respect.

I want to be heard.

I want support and encouragement.