The Ride

A Story by Kathryn Smith

I can't see the world around me now

I can't tell the world from the trees

but I hear you by my side

and there's darkness all around me now

I can't feel anything but the breeze

but I'm with you for the ride

Today I decided to drive by my forest to see what was left of it.

I quickly regretted it.

Seeing the emptiness, all the mess, the bulldozers, and my trees all cut up and laying in enormous stacks, made me feel absolutely broken.

Seeing my favorite place destroyed has destroyed a piece of me.

Its almost as if I too am cut up.

For each tree they are cutting down, new trees are being planted..which is great, but trees do not grow to be enormous and majestic overnight.

The forest I knew so well is simply gone.

Life is a ride.

And one of my biggest fears is being abandoned.

Perhaps it's because I've been abandoned so many times before.

And everything I've ever loved has never stayed.

I hate the fact that in one moment your life can be so bright, and in the next so devastatingly dark.

It's up to you to keep it light.

But sometimes you just don't want to stay strong anymore.

You just don't feel like it.

You want to bathe in your darkness and pain.

Next week it will have been 4 years since my best friend passed away, and 5 years since my grandmother passed away.

They both left me on the same date.

This is the very first year I feel slightly normal again.

This is the first year I'm sad, but not terribly sad.

I feel normal again.

The fact that I drive out in the country, to talk to a grave when I am conflicted doesn't frighten me anymore.

This is the new life I had to adapt to, that I never thought I could.

Once you're finished breaking, once you let your grief swallow you whole, once the pain is all over, you get up and realize that you are still here and well.

You realize you made it through, and that feeling is one of the most empowering moments you'll ever have.

I will never get over my friend's death...you never do get over things like that.

But carrying on your life is important.

I know she's with me for the ride everyday, and I can feel her in the breeze.

I'll have to find myself a new forest.

The ride isn't easy, but it sure teaches you a lot.

© 2016 Kathryn Smith

Author's Note

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Reviews

Jyoti_Ablaze

Very well said, Kathryn!
The level of endurance needed to get over such trauma is inexplicable...
I lost my dad to death wen I was only 16 years old and at that time I didn't even know what was I exactly feeling, sadness, frustration, regret or simply emptiness.. But in the years that followed, we learn to differentiate between these feelings and ways to cope with them... But you never get over it. Its as true as the existence of sky and moon. You just get used to live with that and go on, all the while carrying it in you..

Profound write up.