If You Ever Come Back...

But even if illusion is a waste of time

Even if I never cross your mind..

I'll leave the door on the latch

If you ever come back

There will be a be a light on in the hall and the key under the mat

If you ever come back

There will be a smile on my face and the kettle on

and it will be just like you were never gone

If you ever come back

There's one specific thing that always shatters my heart when working with small children.

And that is their inability to understand death.

I can't tell you how many times I've had parents whisper to me that Lucky had to be put down, so they told their child that Lucky was off "playing somewhere else."

Soon those little wide eyes of curiosity and confusion begin to ask you questions and  then when weeks go by they panic and plead for an answer.

When will Lucky come back? When Lucky comes back we're going to play with his favorite ball! When will he come back?!!

I had one particular student who told me she saw her grandmother sleeping in a dress with flowers in her hand.

Each day she'd come up to me and ask if I knew when her grandmother would wake up.

My grandfather died when I was six.

I remember going to his funeral but what I remember the most is being confused but content because I had no idea what was really going on.

As time went by and as we didn't go to visit grandpa, I realized what happened and was truly saddened.

When children ask me questions I sympathize with them. I know exactly where they are coming from.

Even years and years later, I still will catch myself thinking:

"Where's Megan been? When she comes back I cant wait to tell her about...!"

And then it hits me that she is gone.

Forever.

And then comes the panic and the sadness, and before I know it I am eating Oreos and reminiscing of good memories.

One certain memory has been coming back to me lately.

Two years before she died, I was in a car crash.

The poor girl was terrified and she acted as if I was the one on a death bed.

It was this time of year when I was healing from surgery.

Megan went around my entire high school that held over 1 thousand students with tag board and had random kids and teachers write a get well message.  

Megan had special needs and many kids weren't the nicest to her, and the amount of signatures and messages she got for me blew me away.

I know for her it took a lot of courage and bravery to do something like that and I'll never ever forget it.

She made me not one, but three posters. 

She kept coming to my door, making sure to see I was still breathing and okay.

I wish I could've done something like that for her when she was dying.

But it all happened so sudden and so fast.

And it was all such a shock and a punch in the gut.  

I hope she died knowing I loved and cared for her.

Long before she was sick we would sit together for lunch, and she'd occasionally ask If I'd go to her funeral if she ever died. I asked the same and we agreed we would. Both of us never even dreamed that it would become reality in a matter of time.

In these present years I've found that the greatest thing in life is when you are dealing with loss or are on the verge of thinking you are being abandoned, left, or forgotten, the people who truly love you will always come back.

And as for the ones who leave you hanging, you can always have them come back to you in your heart and mind.

Love is how you stay alive.

Even after you are gone.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you for sharing the story. Loss of a parent is hard to understand.
Coyote

[dabblingrosalie]

This story is touching and well written, especially the last couple of lines. Also I absolutely love the song choices, especially Above the Clouds of Pompeii, one of my favorite songs.

[dan]

I'm sorry for the loss of Megan. Some of the grief still drips from your words. They say that life is its own best teacher, but I think death teaches an awful lot too, starting in childhood. Then you get to be my age and people I've known are passing away often. I sometimes wish I was still a child and didn't have to understand. In this piece you chose a very delicate topic and wrote about it wonderfully. The child part kicks a*s, Kathryn. (If you ever feel like it check my poem archives. My best friend Marty passed on at 29. He was my BEST friend by very far. Many years after he died I was able to write a piece about him. It's called "Marty (Then and Gone)) Wonderful writing, young lady! take care...dan

[wordman]

death,a part of life we all try to avoid.but it comes to us all.
but when we`re young it is a mystery

[Terry O'Leary]

A very sad situation which occurs all too often...
wonderful exposition!

[samparks,sam]

oh dear, super feeling nice thought, no word appreciate I like

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Oh my...
Kathryn, I won't talk about technicality but only about how this wonderful piece has touched my soul..
I was 15 years old and was quite old enough to know what death was..but when I lost my father and so abruptly, my world turned upside down and even though I understood what was happening, I was not accepting it... Took me years to get over it or maybe not.
Well your work has provoked a great deal of emotions in me and has touched something deep.
Thank you for this beautiful poetry!

[Kathryn Smith]

Thank you so much! I am sorry for the loss of your father. I don't think we ever can get over something like that no matter how many times we try to tell ourselves we can. I really appreciate that you read this. And if you ever need anything I'll be here my dear! xx

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Kathryn, you are very kind!
Been a pleasure to read this.