The Matthew Effect

I can't explain the state that I'm in 

The state of my heart

He was my best friend 

All of my powers, day after day 

I can tell you; we swaggered and swayed
Deep in the tower

 The prairies below

I can tell you

 The telling gets old

Terrible sting and terrible storm

 My friend is gone

 

H e   r a n   a w a y

I can tell you that it was a wondrous work of art. A vision that I'll never forget.

For a moment, time froze.

As I was driving away from my friends grave, I saw a lone figure in the distance. 

He was walking slowly towards me, down the long and dusty country road.

As I got closer, I noticed that the person in the hazy summer heat had familiar golden skin and short, wavy, beachy blonde hair.

He was a tall, skinny adolescent boy in a black shirt.

His eyes were glued to the ground as he walked along.

He looked as if he was painfully lonely or deep in thought.

When I realized who it was, something hit me in the stomach.

My heart could've burst into a proud happiness and awe.

This boy was Matthew.

The only person I have fully witnessed grow up.

The only boy I can visibly remember at each age.

The reason why my heart wanted to burst into tears was because in two days, Matthew would be turning 15.

It feels like it was just yesterday my mother and I went to the hospital to meet him.

Only my mother was allowed to see the baby, so I waited in the hallway very disappointed.

Suddenly I heard the door crack.

I looked up to find my mother crouched down in the doorway holding a blanket of blue.

She whispered and told me to hurry up.

I swiftly crept up to the doorway and peered into the crack.

Matthew was the first newborn I had ever seen.

He was stunningly beautiful.

As years passed Matthew broke the mold of "The 3 musketeers"

His older twin brothers and I were best friends.

As he got older, The 3 musketeers turned to the 4 musketeers.

One more boy made fighting dragons easier.

He made rampaging through the forest more fun.

There were more squeals and battle cries.

There was bravery.

There was fear.

Losses and victories.

Laughter and wonder.

We were in love.

In love with the world we created as a team.

When I think of childhood, I think of Matthew.

He could be a poster child for the classic American boy.

He was a kid who was a walking and talking dictionary and GPS.

He was obsessed with big words and roads.

He could tell endless jokes. 

Matthew once held my attention telling a joke that lasted 20 minutes..when really the joke was making me listen for that long.

He carried around automated toy birds and couldn't get enough of nature and the world around him.

Through his bright green eyes, I've seen his kind soul.

I've seen his pain and joy.

His sadness and happiness.

In May, at his brother's graduation party, I noticed he retreated to the corner and didn't seem very sociable.

Something didn't seem right at all.

The little boy Matthew I knew so well was long gone.

The boy who made my world full of adventure.

The kid who made me feel like I had a real little brother.

Now he was diving headfirst into the adult world, but resisting.  

Yet one day in July, he came for a visit. He chirped away like the old times.

His eyes sparkled again and I thought his mouth might break from smiling.

Matthew couldn't get a word in between his twin brothers.

He was stung by a burning nettle plant and I was alarmed at how worried I became of him.

The way I turned into a mother for him.

As the youngest child myself, I recognized his pain each time he was interrupted or ignored. I made sure he knew I was listening to every word.

As children, all we want is to be adults.

and now as adults, we'd give anything to go back to being a child. We have to step into the storm whether we like it or not.

Life keeps racing by and we have no choice but to age.

As a child, we are invincible, our imaginations thrive.

Anything can happen and no one can burn us, or let us down.

As children, we do not know death or pain like we do as adults.

The world in our curious eyes is a world of endless possibilities and dreams.

The sky is the limit.

As I watched boyhood walk away in my rearview mirror, I found that experiencing the Matthew Effect was a blessing.

There was no reason to be sad. 

Goodbye and best of luck my little Matthew.

Thank you for the memories.

These roads ahead of you might be filled with terrible storms, stings, and trials, but they are what make you who you are. 

Life is never easy.  

Thank you for being the little brother I never had.

Now go grab the world!

It's all yours.

(The Matthew Effect: The phenomenon of watching a child age and grow into an adult.)

 

I can tell you, I love him each day

Author's Note

Reviews

[dan]

Kathryn, This piece was, in a word, breathtaking. The whole time I thought you were describing a real life little brother but you weaved a tale of the composite result of boy reaching adulthood. Stunning! Your descriptions were so on point and genuine I was actually dreading what I thought the ending would be...the day that Matthew passed away. You structured such a strong 'character' that I saw the progression to my imagined tragic ending. Just an incredible piece of writing! So well done. take care...dan

[Kathryn Smith]

Thank you so much Dan!! :) It was hard for me to let a little boy go, but I eventually did. We all have to at some point right?

[pia]

this was soooo well written
and it fel written from the heart
i loved the character build up and the theme motivated behind the story

[Kathryn Smith]

Thanks so much Pia! I need to read some of your work!!

[bluessadmood]

Oh hey as I said you always look at things different..
The matthew effect..Lovely take of a child turning into adult..God it's the one thing that always hit's hard on us
When we take that turn into adulthood..death..the simple thing that always puts us down no matter how hard I go and how far I get,in the end it's the same a with anyone did not even bother at all..so why the trouble why ever should I grow or even get birthed..how dazzling..still answer so easy..you have to venture at everything like you were a giant and nothing will ever get you ,its how beautiful you are always will be..beauty of humans to tackle the impossible whatever that may or be..
Lovely write

[Tbear]

OH MY WORD!!! Thaw was so profoundly beautiful..DANG!!!!! A lifetime of experience,of love squeezed into this small piece...Thank you so much for sharing...i look forward to reading more..write on

how worried I became of him. ( would that be,,for him?)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You can't write for s**t b***h.
You kinda look like a thirsty little hoe... you should be hookin

get on deez nuts b***h.

now

[Tony Jordan]

hah - he finally broke cover and showed his greasy haired head - f**k off Demers you tosser !!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

you a thirsty hoe to b***h

you get on deez nuts after

[David R Gonzalez]

it gave me goosebumps at the end. Every word in this poem was perfect (except for maybe GPS that kind of through me a bit) this was truly a wonderful read!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

this b***h is a thirsty hoe... yo she cheap as f**k too, just throw her 20 bucks you can plow anus all night. bring meth

[The Twin Arenas]

Well done. This is a great piece.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

this b***h chugs dongs for money yo I got videos

[Lustre]

This piece is so emotional that it almost made me tear up! I love how you wrote about your little brother. This piece is so nice, heart-aching and left me longing for something.

[Tepher Church]

Beyond words...............

[emmajoy]

'We have to step into the storm whether we like it or not.~ Life keeps racing by and we have no choice but to age. '

This writing is nothing less than a masterpiece. Has touched me in so many ways from fascination to horror, to smiles and tears, Few writers can paint words pon paper or screen but you have.. you really have.

Your Matthew won't ever disappear, people will read this and alongside you remember how you saw, loved, obvserved and prayed over the person he was... is. And always will be, whatever frills and chills.

I have to come back, have to tell others.. to read your words. Thank you!

[Kathryn Smith]

Aww Emma. I am humbled by your review! :') Thank you SOOO much!