Out

my first attempt of humor.

They were too busy discussing the weekend that bright but very chilly afternoon, walking from Joey Wong’s corner store after picking up a six pack of Newcastles, a box of Its It!s, a slice of goat cheese, and rosemary bread to complete the process of a Friday dinner party. No, it wasn’t in the cards for Jack and Rob to be chefs on any level of hospitality, frozen foods were all they could master. But it was a nice Friday, and it was Jack suggesting the idea they and their third roommate, Vinny, invite some local friends and neighbors into their home for dinner cooked by them. Fortunately for Vinny he had work on Fridays, leaving Jack and Rob to set the wheels in motion for that evening, beginning with grocery shopping.

            “You pretty sure we didn’t forget anything man?” Rob was asking now. “I’d hate to walk hella far again for the sake of damn celery or somethin’.”
            “Dude, four blocks, you’re freakin’ messed,” Jack said.

            “You’re messed! How could we forget some of this stuff? Like dessert? C’mon, dumbass.”
            Jack’s hearty laugh consumed the quiet street even through the loud cacophony of traffic whizzing by on Fell Street. “It’s even more lame we’re not even gonna make dessert. But whatever, I like spur of the moment s****y ideas!”
            “Not s****y for sure,” Rob said smiling. “It’s a good plan, have confidence in us. We are men.”
            “Yes, we are,” Jack nodded, “but what does that prove?”
            “You know, I’m not sure,” Rob shrugged. “It sounded motivating right?”
            “Naw, sounded really lame.” It got awkward pondering over the remark, so the conversation was completely dropped. One more block, past the thick shroud of the trees and aging Victorian complexes of fading golds, violets, and greens with chipped wood panels along the cracked concrete and there Jack and Rob were. 726A, duplex ground level, tenants being three graduates just out Cal and SF state. It hadn’t been theirs for too long, merely seven months, but the cramped 70’s dated interiors suited the young adults perfectly for their commonplace life after the hubbub of college institutions.

Jack started reaching around in his pockets for the key. Nothing. “That’s funny,” he shrugged. “Hey, you got a key man?”
            Rob looked crossly at him. “..Nooo, Jenna has mine. Damn, did you lose your key?”
            “Here, you check again,” Jack continued, cordially taking the brown paper bag from his friend’s hands so that he was free to search himself. “God, just do it!”
            “’Kay, calm down,” Rob said bitterly, effortlessly patting his jeans and corduroy coat. He shrugged and concluded, “Oh, well that’s just a shame.”

“S**t,” Jack sighed, turning his head down. “Hey! You think Vinny made a spare for the mat?” His eyes were fixed to the front door. Rob was still puzzled, now staring at the concrete too. “Dude, you realize there is no mat at our door? God, you’re retarded.”
            “Hey, calm down, let’s just chill and wait for Vinny,” Jack reasoned. He took a squat on the stone railing adjacent to the front door, humming a tune and kicking at the pillars with his heels. “C’mon, he’ll be here soon.”

“You forget Vinny is doing OT today,” Rob began, leaning back onto the door, “which means he’s not coming for another hour. F**k man, how do you lose house keys? We’re stuck squatting here for who knows how long" and with frozen stuff. F**k, the ice cream’s gonna spoil.”

“Oh s**t, the It’s It!s! Well, that’s easy, we’ll just eat them before they melt,” suggested Jack.

            “Like I said, you’re stupid. We wouldn’t have to eat it if some dumbass had a key. You must’ve had it; you locked it in the first place.”

            Jack said nothing. Instead, he got up and fumbled through the paper bag before pulling out a bottle of ale and began drinking. “I remember locking it up the first time,” he said after a few sips, “Then we were walking, we were talking about shaving cream.” Rob knitted his brows, folding his arms. “Yeah, I vaguely remember that,” he said.

            “Yeah, I wanted to see how well they clean hardwood floors, because your Jenna brought her dog over last week and god, the smell--“

            “Jack, I could give two s***s about that, we just need to know what happened going to the store. Okay, so we were talking, got to the store, picked up some celery, tomatoes, olive oil, ground beef, some wine for the sauce, and cranberries.”
            “We brought those back, walked back here"I remember opening the front door"and we put all the groceries on the table.”

            “Then I remember that we didn’t grab the beer and ice cream.”

            “And the cheese and bread.”

            “Whatever, yeah, those  two. So we went back, got the s**t, and then we were walking back like, fifteen minutes ago, talking about whether Vinny should fix the sauce or set the table since he’s a bit on the gay side and could arrange the place nicely"“
            “Ahh Vinny!” Jack said. “I still think he should set the place up. Definitely his thing. We should call him; maybe he does have an extra key laying around out here.” But taking a look around, he found no trace of possible storage, like flowerpots or loose bricks. “Maybe not,” he said to himself. “Well, let’s do something. Here, get me an It’s It!”

“Hey, that’s for tonight!” Rob reminded, smacking away Jack’s outstretched hand. “Don’t touch anything. Here, just move this all into the shade here in this crack of the wall.”

“Make sure there’s no rats or spiders,” Jack cautioned.

“Could a rat really fit in that small crevice?” Rob asked with aggravation.

Jack shrugged. “The bag can, and that thing’s hella large.” The bag was large, too large to even get into the crack. “D****t, I’ll just put it behind me for shade,” Rob said. Jack wasn’t listening anymore. He got out his iPhone and started blasting the White Stripes. “set the mood,” he explained.

“No, not feeling music,” Rob said. Jack’s straight face slowly worked into a grin, and said, “I know what you’re feeling.” He put a track on from Justin Bieber. Rob’s face was horrified. “You’re disgusting man,” he bitterly replied.

Fifteen more minutes nearly passed. Jack was skimming through songs, classical and mainstream pop and indie, but the switches were getting on Rob’s nerves. “S**t, almost twenty minutes, Jack. This is ridiculous. I can’t believe we locked ourselves out.”
            “How’s the ice cream?” was his friend’s reply, as he did not lower the music and appeared not to really hear Rob. He said nothing. “Can I get one?”
            “It’s for tonight!” Rob exclaimed. “If they melt, I don’t care, it was a waste of money then, so we’ll just get them cold again in the freezer. This really pisses me off.”
            “S’no big deal,” Jack said inanely.

“I don’t get how you’re not bothered about this. You’re not the brightest Jack, you know, so basically little things like this are a hella big issue with everyone else. It puts inconvenience and delay for all of us now, just ‘cause you lost the damn key!”
            “Ugh, lighten up Rob. We’ll be inside in no time.”
            “No time was what, like half an hour ago? Don’t mess with me, I’m sick of being out here and it’s uncomfortable. And our food’s spoiled, now the cooking is gonna suck.”

“The cooking is gonna be fine, man, don’t trip,” Jack reassured. He got up from the

railing and headed over to Rob, reaching behind his friend to grab at the brown bag. “I want another beer,” he declared, but Rob brushed his arm away.

            “Dude, save it all for tonight,” he reminded viciously, “and you already downed one!”

            “Don’t be stupid,” Jack argued, trying harder to squirm past Rob who quickly maneuvered with the bag behind his hands.

            “Get the f**k off of me!” Rob cried, before he was kneed in the chin accidentally by Jack and fell back against the door. It opened.

            “’The hell,” Jack said.

            “Dude, my mouth! F*****g bleeding!” exclaimed Rob.

            “Dude! It’s open!” Jack was cheering, his hands grasping his hair in surprise. “Wow, was it open the whole time?”

“Dear god, you serious?” Rob said through mumbles, trying to clot the blood coming from his gums. “You said you remember locking it.”

Jack’s hands were at his brow, rubbing against his forehead as he thought hard on what he remembered. “Yeah, the first time we left the house,” was all he said. They were silent. “Wait! Yeah,” Jack finally spoke, “I didn’t lock it the second time. We were in a rush to get the rest of the stuff, remember?”

“Then where are the keys?” Rob said, more dumbfounded than upset.

Jack was smiling. “Maybe I left it in the house!” he thought aloud.

“Retard!” Rob shouted in his face, he stormed into the house, heading straight for the kitchen to seek out the keys. But they were not there. “God-d****t, where the f**k could they be?”
            Jack stood in the doorway, now he was clutching the bag. He started moving after Rob, before he was stopped by the sound of a clang coming from the bag. He peered into it.

“They’re by the It’s It!s” he smiled.  

Reviews

[Jim Parson]

This was a fun read, humorous without being over the top. You write well and have a good command of the language. My one issue with your story is, it's told almost entirely through dialogue...I would have liked to see some descriptions. Something to give me a visual of what they look like and their surroundings. Other than that, well done!

[Everett DeValle]

Lol ITs ITs Ice Cream...a local fave of San Fran...it's too bad The City lost its charm with so many transplants...reminds me of my days at San Francisco State...love the photo...I'm sure it's Sunset District in the Avenues...a really humorous write. :)

[Laranda]

I like this it is funny i think we got the humor part so your first attempt at humor i think went well:] I just cant picture it since it all does seem like its dialogue but other then that i think you did a great job.