Because of you

 

         

 

Because of you, I wonder why I’m still here.

You let me down, you let me go

I needed you so.

You lied, you cheated,

I believed your lies

Because of you, I’ve cried a million times.

Because of you I wanted to die,

I’ve cried crimson tears, on my arms, on my legs, all over

I wanted to be no more because you didn’t care.

Because of you, it felt like I had no air,

I couldn’t bare this pain anymore.

I wondered why I was still on this earth

I kept thinking I wasn’t important, so why try?

Why bother, why say I had a father?

When I didn’t I never did, and I never will,

So why bother?

 

Reviews

[Jon]

Really well written and strong, sad material. I thought this was well written and enjoyed it.

Far be it from me to tell you what to write - but I did notice that a few tips I was given could maybe help here. I thought that maybe you could drop the 5th line to add gravity - you've already mentioned his lies in the previous line and I believe it reads better without. The only other thing (and this is a very non-artistic and cheap trick that I may have employed - I may have changed the word father at the end to dad - just to expand the possibility to rhyme - I'm sure any pro writer would think this is very poor advice - but as soon as I did it it gave me an idea for the final line.

Because of you, I wonder why I'm still here.
You let me down, you let me go
I needed you so.
You lied, you cheated,
Because of you, I've cried a million times.

Because of you I wanted to die,
I've cried crimson tears, on my arms, on my legs, all over
I wanted to be no more because you didn't care.
Because of you, it felt like I had no air,
I couldn't bare this pain anymore.

I wondered why I was still on this earth
I kept thinking I wasn't important, so why try?
Why bother, why say I had a dad?
When I don't, and I never will,
Why care for what I never had?

Hope you don't mind my input I'm sure its quite intrusive so ignore or delete if that is the case but suffice to say you show a lot of talent for someone so young.

[Gregory Hill]

Vry good emotion, however like the others you really need to get it to flow a little better. People have problems understanding the feelings if they trip over the words. Notice how you skip from really long to really short and back? Well that messes it up for the reader as the yhave one line prepaing them then it changes the form. try to add more words or take the out, also the iambic parameter I mentioned previously could be used. Great job, this poem could bne awesome.

[LivingHope.]

Wow, your poem is amazing! It is very raw and emotional and I like that. I'm looking forward to reading more of your other poems! Good job!