My Existence is Futile

The 18 years I've lived in this hell hole and what do i have to show for it?
20 failed attempts at happiness and 310 scars.....on my left hand
So what the f**k am I really here for?
Gaia I love you but I can't stay down here anymore
Ricardo I miss you so much
But its because of your death why I hate my life
To be on your cloud
To be next to you
That's all I ever wanted
And what of Ricky?
Brother dearest I'm sorry but I can't do this
I know I'll never be your...your... *that word*
There is no happy ending for me
You know that
I try so hard to give you my everything
But I'm so weak
Yes....WEAK
I talk tough
But I can't handle anything
My spells are useless
My prayers failed
I couldn't even save her
Or Ricardo
I tried so hard
I really did
Night and day
But nothing
No one needs me here
I can't trust anybody
Everyone seems to have a hidden agenda with me
So this is my goodbye
This is my "F**K YOU"
This is me reaching out
I'm done reaching out
I'm done caring
I'm done loving
I'm done living
I'm done wasting my life
I'm done with everything
I'm done
I'm gone
I'm dead
F**k off