Infusion

Partner dancing

Solstice night we sat together in the magic room. Vicarius tuned Papa’s old guitar by ear and his fingers started blurring across the strings. Papa grabbed his drum and set a cadence, and I hummed, then sang, Eithne joining in when she wasn't writing in her journal.

The music quickened, the magic swelled, and Eithne jumped up to her feet “You want to try fusion dancing Pan?”

I don't know how. I can't. It's too much. “Sure”

There were times before when women tried to partner dance with me. At Soul Motion she'd grab my hands and twirl herself around, but here for the first time Eithne set out to teach me. She led and I followed - foolish but fun. Then she showed me how to lead. Let the music lead you.

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Now, five months later - I pause my music, call for the attention of the twenty or so fusion dancers on the floor, and ask for donations for the Fusion Inclusion Dance Collective. This is ironic because I have never donated money. I try and give in other ways, helping where I can, dancing with new people whenever I can. In the five months since Eithne first brought me I've never missed a dance and I think that means something.

When we finish announcements, I bring the music back on and we all begin pairing up to dance again. A woman comes up to me, in the way of women asking to dance, “It’s nice to see you Chace,” she says.

I’m not sure I heard her correctly so I just smile and give her my hands to grab. I don’t like correcting people when I don’t have to, and we’ve danced one time before, a long time ago. I know her as a good dancer, but when we danced she seemed a little disappointed, as if I couldn’t bring out the good dancer in her.

Chace is one of the main coordinators - an incredible dancer. He dances like expensive liquor sliding smooth across the back of your throat. He has nothing to prove, and all the time in the world, and a movement vocabulary that spans who knows how many years of doing this. I like Chace.

“So how’s your preparations for the Campout going?” She asks me as we begin to move. She definitely thinks I’m Chace and I don’t think I want to try and fake this.

“Did you call me Chace?” I ask.
“Is your name not Chace?”
“No, I’m Pan.”
“Oh I’m sorry, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him and I saw you announcing so I just assumed.”
“Well I’m flattered,” I say, and spin her - the universal sign that it’s time to stop talking and really start dancing.

My movement vocabulary consists of about ten moves that I’ve seen and copied and come to depend on, as small as the time I’ve been dancing this dance. I have a lot to prove, and never enough time.

But this is a smooth song and I’ve just been mistaken for Chace and I’m not new to dancing. I let myself go as slow as I want, slide from move to move like melting butter, let the music lead me - and suddenly I notice that she’s really dancing - everything going into it, smiling, moving just where I want her to be but adding her flare so that it’s a dialogue, a dance.

It's the best partner dance I've ever had in my life.

And while I know it's because she's decided I'm built in the same blueprint as Chace, and I know I'm piggy backing on his reputation, it's a taste of what can be. It's like the first time I made love instead of having sex, the difference between “sure" and “Yes!”

I can build my own reputation. Later that night I find myself dancing with Belle, a Ballet teacher in town who comes to Soul motion - I stole my turns from her when I was sixteen.

She's new to Fusion though, so on our second dance we end up falling into a Soul Motion partner dance, and I have ten years of practice here. Afterward Eithne comes up and says “That was beautiful.”

I thank her.

“I was just reading my journal entry from Winter Solstice. You've improved so much.”

“You wrote about what a bad dancer I was?”

“Noo, but I remember. You've come a long way.”

We dance, afterward Iron comes up to me

“ Is her name Hannah?”

“Eithne actually"

“Your dance together was really beautiful.”

I don't know what’s going on tonight. This isn't normal. I haven't taken a bath in five days. I wasn't expecting this to be a good dance tonight.

But it is. I even dance with Alana-who-scares-me-half-to-death while eating chips. It's a great victory.

And when I shut off the music and leave for the night I know that we're approaching summer solstice, the half year mark, and a lot has changed.

I know how. I can. It's not too much. “Yes!”