New year's eve

A dance, a hope.

We had been dancing since eight. I unceasingly, others in and out. I had my sights on several girls, swaying, laughing, rocking to the music, I too shy to do anything bold, they unintelligibly , unceasingly, entrancingly ignoring any movements I used to entice. As usual the children and elders loved me, a little girl lit up as I met her eyes, a boy pointed at my elfin ears - my subtle costume for this dance's the lord of the rings theme. I fed my courage on small looks, chance encounters, and the endless love in old women's eyes. 

 

At ten they started serving alcohol, so we who were under drinking age had to go. We filed out through the crowd, I exchange greetings, leave a few goodbyes and exchange names with the old woman who has fallen head over heals in love. Ro-something -etta It's hard to hear over Gaga pounding.

 

The cold air outside is a refreshment with my blood so hot. I savor the freezing wind, and hardly feel the chill that usually sends me scurrying for the hearth-fire. I slowly walk down the street lit lane to the fountain that stands at the end. A Christmas tree, still decorated is reflected, multicolored, in the water. Venus, topless, some small garment tucked sensuously around her waist stands in the center, two cherubim sit at her feet, conch shells held to spout water that is not there, into the still waters. 

 

I walk past, then stop, take off my coat, and begin walking around the fountain. Three times clockwise I walk, careful not to step on cracks, relaxing my breathing, thinking about the meaning of a new year. I know I'm lingering from a hidden hope. I want someone to follow me  after a dance, initiate something deeper than mere movement. Learn that beneath my shyness I'm a bright lovable being.

 

I stop before Venus, gaze at her reflection, the lights illuminate the water on one side, shadow pervades the other. I stand and wonder what resolutions I'm going to make this year, my life is a constant quest to know what it is I need. Do I resolve to be less addicted to magic? Better in school? More assertive in life? Less pushy in relationship? I stand. 

 

I gaze again at her reflection, a quarter cupped in my hand I wish. I wish that that when I'm old I will be able to look back at my life and say that I have had a good life, I wish for the whole Evergreen registration thing to work out. I wish to be respected, I wish to be worthy of respect. I wish - I think as yet another couple passes me - that she will one day come up behind me, touch the back of my back lightly and say "hey" with a sweetly solemn smile - wrap her arms around my chest and hug me from behind. . . at this moment a car drives by behind me a young female voice yells "heeey!!!" at me. By the time I turn I cannot see who spoke. "that'll do" I say, and toss my quarter into the pool at Venus' feet 

 

In Lord of the rings, my character has always been Legolas. As I begin my journey home, I consider what it is I really wish of my destiny. I want to be like Legolas, graceful, strong, proud, and worthy of his pride, humble, and in tune with nature, capable of supporting what is right, and being strong at his companion's side. So it is that I practice walking silently, always avoiding the cracks, observing the people as I pass them. I arrive and reach in my pocket for my house key - to find that I have left my wallet on the alter of Venus.