Could have beens

Follow up to "My love life"

Would have beens, could have beens. These are your stories. I grieve for the sparks that never caught fire. For the promises made and promises broken. For the spells that stuttered in my throat.

You are remembered, rendered in writing, your stories kept through time. Know that I still think about you sometimes - fragments if my past.

I still think about the girl whose name I never got, whose information I never asked for, who spent the day with me at the bunkers. She rawred back at me in the dark. Never before or since have I had the sense that everything I did was perfect. Only her.

Also in the bunkers was P***y cat girl whose information Freeze got and shared. With her vampire teeth and too quick reflexes, she raked my face with too sharp nails when I roared. I asked about her friend too many times and she wanted me for herself. We ended there, but I wonder sometimes what could have been.

Sweet Ash, who came to us as an intern staying at the hostel. She was the first woman I felt coming at me with all her force, and I said no. Loyal to my girlfriend half a world away, not ready to become a man at seventeen - how much better if my first time had been with her?

I didn't yet know how to say no, so I set her up with Freeze instead. “Help me - she's too much!” I said, and he did.

Princess, who I invited on date after date, who agreed every time, and then stood me up every time. We had fun when we met by coincidence. I remember giving her my card. She pushed it down her blouse. I remember how seamlessly we could talk and flirt. What could have been?

Then there was peacock strewn Guinevere, whose feathers I saw beyond. Who hid behind television shows she could talk about forever. Whose first boyfriend came just a moment before I got the courage to ask. We wouldn't have worked out I think, but sometimes I imagine.

Bella, who went as far as one walk. I didn't know yet how to ask at the end if this was something she'd like to do again. I didn't know how to be myself at all. We should have been. We were always the only two our age at adult things. She was always looking above me.

There was Lion. I exclaimed aloud when I saw her relationship status turn single. She gave me a lamp I never returned. She who would come over to flirt with me at my table in the cafeteria. I never quite got the chance to tell her when I stopped being single, and when she learned, blurted out by Slide, she walked away from our table dazed never to return. I wish I could have apologized. I wish we could have been.

Slide of course. She knew I was in a relationship. She didn't care. She confessed her desire in a quiet corner in my room while my girlfriend was out for five minutes.  I gave her lessons on magic in the woods. I invited her to sleep over hoping for a threesome. My girlfriend was terribly jealous and I think, of all the shameful things I've done, my lack of respect for that jealousy is near the top.

Then Circe. One relationship later I was set to shut down anything that might threaten it. I mentioned “My Girlfriend” as often as possible - but one woman, early thirties with two kids, just would not give up. She groped my butt once. She said since she had children she was “damaged goods” and had nothing to lose. I never gave her anything back, and after a while she finally gave up. Sometimes I imagine what would have happened though. I could have learned to be a father.

Fire, who I pursued sideways all through college. She was a model and a dancer, and we almost danced with each other a hundred times, and actually danced three or four. I never knew quite how to approach her - and so I never did. With just a smidgen more courage I could have brushed fire itself.

Then there was Brightling. She was a chemistry tutor who was unusually kind, and I fell for her. Still in a relationship, I talked to my partner about it and she said I should go for it - but I didn't. Brightling was older than I was, and even if we did have beautiful moments together, and even if I fell as deeply in love with her as any partner I've ever been with, it was never right.

Crimson of course, who I came so close to and then stepped slowly backwards from. She was everything I had ostensibly asked for, but she wasn't mine, and I don't steal people anymore.

Kracken, who things were going so well with until she turned out to be a princess - agreeing to everything and never showing up. She added me on Facebook because we shared friends and we did well there - but I needed it to be flesh and blood.

Raguel, who every time we talked we went right into depth. Who I was immediately comfortable with and stayed comfortable with until I realized I was in love with her and then my words started stalling in my throat. I remember a time after dance, a bad time for talking anyway, when I went to say something and nothing came out. I just looked at her, and she looked at me expectantly and waited until she couldn't wait and finally said goodnight. Oh Raguel.

Blackbird, who, like Fire, I watched all through college, finally came into my life at the end. I don't know what we were heading towards, but I moved and now it's unlikely to ever be.

Would have beens, could have beens. These are your stories. I grieve for the sparks that never caught fire. For the promises made and promises broken. For the spells that stuttered in my throat.

Know that even though we never were, even though you were never lovers true, your story too will never be forgotten.