Thorns in The Forest (1 of 3)

Story I wrote a while back online, just editing the orginal and making it better. Story is about fantasy and swords. Enjoy.

 

“What are you guys doing?” I shouted at the guard in anger as I tried to free myself from the guard’s hold.

The guard grinned as he held my sisters cheek saying, “We are just going to have some fun, aren’t we dear?”

“You b***h!” I shouted as I released my hold from the guard and unsheathed my sword as I prepared to strike.

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The blade penetrated the guards chest, the guard fell to the ground as the rush of blood overwhelmed him. I raised my sword once more in preparation to attack the remaining guards, however without warning darkness filled my vision as I fell down on the ground…….

 

That was all I can remember of the last moments when me and my sister were taken captive. I slammed my fist on the ground as frustration swelled within me. My thoughts were focused on my sister and not of the caravan I brought along. If the guards were out to loot my items, they would have killed me. It didn’t make sense at all what was happening and their sudden impulse to attack our caravan.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t realized a guard has entered the room.

“Get up, and follow me,” the man said in a gruff voice.

I stood up silently and followed his orders. The guard let me down the passage and into a room at the end of the corridor. The man opened the room and signaled for me to enter. As I entered my foot got caught on the guards foot causing me to trip and fall on the ground. I stared at in rage at the guard who had a look of satisfaction on his face, and closed the door behind me.

“It seems my men are treating you well,” came a voice with a hint of sarcasm.

I stood up and realized that there was a man sitting next to a table. He motioned me to sit down on the chair next to him. I stared at the man who seemed to be the captain of the guards. Perhaps I would be able to ask him about my sister’s whereabouts.

I denied is offer and continued to stand beside the door. The man looked at me and let out a grin as he extinguished his cigar on the table.

“I have an offer for you?”

“And that is?”

“I need you to help investigate some strange occurrences in the forest lately.”

“Why me you son of a b***h,” I shouted as the anger erupted within me.

            Instantly a guard emerged from the door. However the man signaled the guard to wait and that there was no emergency.

            “You wish to see your sister? Do us the favor and solve our mystery. If you do I will let you go without the death penalty.”

            “Why me? Why not send one of your own men?”

            I man at this point stood up and walked towards me, “Think I am stupid. Our people are no magic users. You on the other hand are able to use magic at will. It was your magic that allowed you to take down our finest guard.”

            I was speechless at the captain’s words. I have tried to hide my identity of who I am and my ability. Now caught, I was in no situation to offer my terms for my release.

            “Understood, you will leave tomorrow. Your equipment will be ready and sharpened,” with that the man signaled the guard to escort me back to the prison cell.

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            As the morning song of the birds reached my ears the captain approached my cell.

            “Wake up its time to head out,” the captain opened the door and opened the chains tied to my hands, “the forest is north of the town. Here are your belongings. If you don’t come back in a week we will presume your dead.”

            I grabbed my belongings and without a word headed towards the location of the forest. I had no time to listen to the words of the captain. The only thoughts in my head were the safety of my sister. I will solve the mystery and free my sister.

            “Hey one last thing,” the captain shouted as I began to exit the facility, “what’s your name.”

            “Khalon…”

Author's Note

small grammar but any feedback is good.

Reviews

[Nelo Maxwell]

Kinda hot i think i'll be reading this.

[Elzereth]

Good start to an intriguing story. I did notice you were rather repetitive with the word 'guard' in the first paragraph, and the way it's worded is kind of confusing to me. Are there two guards mentioned at first, or one? If there are two there, you could try something like this:

"What are you guys doing?" I shouted at one guard in anger as I tried to free myself from the hold of another

Other than the repetitiveness in the first paragraph and the small grammatical errors, you have a great story, and I look forward to reading the next part!

[Arsenic]

This is a great start to an exellent story. I look forward to reading the rest. There are a few grammar mistakes but nothing glaring. A quick reread should be all you need to fix them. Most of those are either spelling or you put in an extra word or something like that. The only thing as far as large grammar issues is that in the second to last pharagraph you use the word will when the word would is what is needed.

Aside from grammar, the story is wonderful. The theme of honor is greatly shown through. Honor is something that is quickly dieing in our world I am very glad you used in your work. The voice of the people and all that. The detail is good but there is room for improvement. Even though the plot appears to be fairly fast paced the detail needs to be observed. I would add a few little touches of detail and emotion. This is an excellent piece of work.

~Jake

[Windy]

PAKINO, how could you leave me hanging like this? Where is the rest of the story??? (Already reviewed!) :) Windy

[Windy]

My husband is into swords & they tended to facinate me as well )once I saw him practicing with them). I dont' usually read stories but since I was reading all your other stuff I thought I would give it a shot. I am really glad I did. I now have to know what happend so will be heading on to the next part right away! :) Windy

[Pj]

I liked the whole theme of honour, protection and the embedded patriarchal system. I like the format, but I'd like to see more emotion; just more detail. Overall it's a nice start and a refreshing plot.