'Til the Ends of Time

This was a short story project in one of my classes and I wanted to share it with you all! It's about the Congolese Cosmogram, or it follows the idea of it...Enjoy~

‘Til the Ends of Time

The sound of newborn wails filled the village's cool autumn air.

…

“Kazuo! You’d better get up and ready yourself for the lesson today!” my mother called from the kitchen.

“Alright!” She hadn’t needed to call for me; I had already gotten up at sunrise. I hardly got any sleep because of the excitement that this specific lesson brought. This year, I could take part. All the other years I was too young, and not ready. No matter how much I persuaded and begged, I was shot down with the same sentence: “You’re not ready yet.” But, this year is different.

“Kazuo, finish your breakfast,” my mom had her back turned to me, but it seemed that she really did have eyes on the back of her head, as she somehow knew that I was trying to slip away from my chair.

“But mom,” I whined, “today’s the most important day of my life! I don’t have time for this.” My mom set the dishes down and turned to me, looking at me seriously and sighed.

“Today’s the last day I get to prepare a meal for you. Finish everything, please.” I could see the plea in her eyes. Father had gone missing a few years back and she’d been raising me alone. The village didn’t say anything, but we could see subtle signs of them avoiding us. Most of the time I listened to my mom and tried to be a good son, but there were times when I could be a jerk. And that’s what I was now.

“Mom!” I slammed the table, “you’re not a guy, so you don’t know how much this day means to me.”

“And you’re not a mother,” she shot back, “so you wouldn’t know what this means to me!” We stayed silent for a while. Looking into the other’s eyes. Angry red thoughts blaring into our minds. After what seemed like forever, my mother cast her eyes down. She rubbed her face and temples, sighing again.

“I’m sorry, Kazuo. It’s just...this. This is taking a very hard toll on me. I couldn’t bear losing your father, and now I’m losing you too.” It was my turn to look down, all the anger washed out of me, replaced with grief and concern.

“But he’s not dead. He’s just...gone.” I paused, about to leave. Before leaving the room, I stopped and said to her, “ I’m not leaving either. It’s just a week. I’ll be back.”

…

“I’m back! Mom!” I yelled from the doorway. The lesson had ended and I’d walked back to the village. The lesson wasn’t as spartan as I’d thought it to be. We really only walked around over the hills and back, killing animals here and there for food. We learned how to tail animals, how to prepare them. Pretty much anything survival related. The only good thing about the lesson was really just that I got to hang out with Makoto, a childhood friend. He’d been with me for over 10 years now and he still hadn’t gotten sick of me.

“Kazuo,” my mother said as she ran to me, “you’re back!”

“I am!” I was smiling. I hadn’t noticed how much I had missed mother and now I was in her arms. I was only just getting comfy when she suddenly pulled back.

“You seem thinner.” She looked into my eyes, “Let’s get something inside of you, okay?” I nodded and she turned around, getting to work on my next meal. I left her to herself and went to my room. My room was simple, a bed (although it was just sheets layered on the ground), a small table to keep my things off the ground, and a window to let the light through. I sat down on my bed and took a book from my table.

“Well,” I said to myself, setting the book down on my lap and laying down, “what am I supposed to do now? The lesson wasn’t as great as I thought. It was actually boring.” I sighed.

“Your food won’t be ready in a while,” my mom was leaning on the door’s frame, “you can go over to Makoto’s if you want.” I sat up so that I could see her properly.

“I can? I just got back…” My mom seemed to deflate and she sighed. Again.

“Of course you can. He’s your friend and he hasn’t seen you in a while either.” I got up and started getting ready to head out.

“I’ll be going then mom.” She nodded and ruffled my hair as I walked past her.

“Don’t stay out too late or your food will get cold.”

“Okay!”

…

“Whoo! You’re finally getting married, Kazuo! Took ya long enough!” I didn’t even bother to turn back--I could already sense Makoto’s intense energy. All I could do in reply was roll my eyes, of course, no one saw it. Except for Akiko, who was by my side and was the love of my life. She stifled a laugh. We’d wanted our wedding to be a small event, and as I feared, Makoto turned the small to big. The estimated number of guests that Akiko and I actually invited was about 30, but all around me I could see waves of faces that I didn’t recognize.

“Kazuo!” Akiko tried to whisper, but successfully failed, “should we ditch?” I was startled by what she had said. She was a bit more on the wild side and was usually the one who got us into trouble. But that wild side of her was what I had fallen in love with. I nodded so faintly I was unsure if I really did nod, but Akiko’s face was beaming and she had that spark in her eyes so I knew that I did, indeed, nod.

“I can’t believe we just left our own wedding,” I whispered to Akiko, afraid that someone might be lurking by.

“Well, we just did.” Akiko was crouching by the bushes, and I crouched down closer to her.

“Why are we crouching?”

“Because! We might get caught!” She turned to me, “Do you know how many people are here because of Makoto?” Now it was my turn to stifle a laugh. They’d only knew each other for 4 years but they'd immediately clicked when they met. Everytime they saw each other they’d hold an exchange of pranks and some were not nice. Most of the time I got caught up in it.

“Yeah, there’re too many people here.” I motioned with my head, “Let’s head somewhere else.” Akiko cocked her head and looked quickly from side to side, checking for intruders.

“Where?” Instead of answering her I grabbed her hand and we ran.

“Ahh,” Akiko said, stopping in front of the building, “I should’ve known.” She turned to me smiling. “The place we met.” I nodded, and held the door open for her, causing the bells hanging from the door frame to softly jingle. Right away I could smell that certain booky smell that all books give. This bookstore played a big role in both Akiko’s, and my life. I immediately headed to the faint brown stain on the far side of the room. I stopped in front of the stain and stood there remembering what had happened. Without meaning to, my hand started hovered over the stain and softly felt the surface of the it. I turned to Akiko with an expression on my face that asked if she remembered. She nodded and started walking towards us.

“How could I forget.” Her hand joined with mine on the stain and she looked at our hands so longingly, then continued. “Mr. Ueda and I were talking about a book that we’d both finished reading and before that he’d asked you to make him a cup of coffee. You came over with the coffee and somehow tripped spilling the coffee everywhere. Including Mr. Ueda. Before that little “accident” we never really talked or anything. We just... looked.” She was now looking at me with a glint in her eyes, as if she were silently making fun of me. Which she probably was. I looked back at her with a flippant look.

“But, because of how cool I am we got to know each other.”

“Ahh,” she looked at me lovingly, “I’ll have to give you that.” I tipped my invisible hat to her and embraced her. We stayed that way for quite some time.

“I’m so glad we met,” I said, still hugging her.

“I am too.” Akiko pulled away and gave me a small peck on the lips. Then, noticing something, added, “It seems we have an audience.” I looked to the side and saw a little boy staring at us, two teenage girls trying to hide behind opened books, and an older lady looking a bit jealous but happy. Then I looked at Akiko. She certainly stuck out like a sore thumb.

“Ahh, you’re still wearing that,” I joked, pointing at her wedding dress. Akiko slapped my arm.

“This is the one day that I look as beautiful as this,” Akiko played along, “and you’re saying that?” She did a little twirl and bowed, princess style. Seeing that, I snorted and she laughed. We looked at each other, sighed and linked arms, leaving the bookstore in the care of the silent onlookers.

…

“Where is she?” My head snapped up at the familiar voice. I broke inside.

“Mom!” I cried. Tears streaked my face.

Akiko was laying on the bed.

My mother saw this and she, too, broke. She hurried over to me with tears in her eyes.

“Oh, my baby,” she said, hiccupping, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t keep it together. I was crying, my tears were running down my face, mixing with the snot, and I was whimpering and shaking uncontrollably. My mother’s hands were moving around my body as if she were frantically trying to warm me up. I was too immersed in my feelings of sadness and helplessness to notice Makoto, wide eyed and on the verge of sobbing. But none of this mattered.

I pushed away from my mother and knelt closer to Akiko, laying my head on the bed and holding her cold hands in mine. Why? Why? Why?! Why was this happening to me? Why now? Why Akiko? Why...A sound at the doorway caught my attention. It was a nurse, and she was holding something. Strange noises were coming from it. I got up, red eyed, and stumbled to her. Before reaching her I could see another person behind her, seeming to hold an object similar to the nurse’s. I got closer and what I saw took me aback.

“They’re twins.” I looked to the person behind the nurse. “Akiko gave birth to two healthy babies.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I knew that Akiko was pregnant, but I’d thought for sure that the miracles in her belly were forever lost...like Akiko. My mother was now standing behind me, looking at the two delicate beings. Makoto was doing the same thing and he seemed to have stopped crying now. As did I. My mom was sniffling, but she tried her best to stop.

“Akiko,” the man behind the nurse began, “fought very hard for this.” He pushed the baby into my arms. My body was instantly warmed up and I started to break down again. I leaned against the wall and slowly sunk to the ground. The baby’s eyes were closed and it seemed uncomfortable but it wasn’t so bad that it would cry. I buried my face in its soft blanket and cried a bit more before looking up to my mother and seeing that she had taken the other baby into her own arms. I turned to look at Makoto and he was a standing, blubbering, happy mass of himself. He was standing in the middle of the room and doing a small dance that looked relatively similar to the Potty Dance. I knew that dance well. I got up, careful to not disturb the baby. Seeing my movement, Makoto’s eyes lit up. His dance got a little livelier, and he couldn’t stop smiling. When the baby was put into his arms, his expression instantly changed to one of understanding and calmness. I looked at him with surprise. But soon my expression mirrored his, and I walked over to Akiko. I caressed her face and then took ahold of her hands.

“Akiko,” I breathed, “thank you. Thank you for your last gift...I’ll love you to the ends of time. There’s a special place in my heart reserved just for you.” I closed my eyes, and leaned my head onto her side. “I’ll take care of these two, I’ll be the father I never had. I’ll be the best. I’ll cloth them. Drive them to school. Read them bedtime stories. And...I’ll tell them about my memories of you. Of how much I love you, and how much you love them. I’ll tell them about your wild crazy side, and that cute side that you only ever showed me…” I nuzzled closer to her. “I love you so much...I’ll love you... Forever and ever.” My eyes stayed closed for a while, but when they opened, I saw the world. Much clearer than before. I kissed Akiko’s forehead. My mother, seeming to sense that what I had to say to Akiko right then and there was done, headed over and gave me the baby that she had been holding. Makoto, witnessing this, did the same with his baby. I now held both babies in my arms.

“Oh, how much I love you three, I can’t describe with words.”

…

“Dad! Dad!”

“Yes,” I lazily turned my head his direction, “what is it, Kenta?”

“Look at this giant grasshopper!” The little boy held the grasshopper right next to my face.

“Ahh!” I screamed, “What are you doing, Kenta!” I quickly got up and scooted a few paces away from him. He started laughing and he couldn’t control it.

“Dad,” Kenta humored, “you’re such a scaredy cat!” I quickly sat down criss-cross applesauce style and tried to regain my posture.

“Kenta,” I began in my best serious tone, “there are things that little boys like you should, and shouldn’t do. Scaring your dad," I paused, "is one of the things that you shouldn’t do!” I flew and tackled Kenta onto the grass. Tickling him to tears.

“What are you two doing?” I looked up to the porch.

“Oh, Tomo! Want to join?” I said, bringing the tickling attack to a halt. Kenta also looked at Tomo, his head resting on his palm.

“C’mon, Tomo!” Kenta exclaimed, “It’s fun!” I smiled at Kenta and looked to Tomo.

“I’d rather not engage in such childsplay,” Tomo replied, “ I have to do some research on the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. Don’t bother me for a while.” I could see that Tomo was holding his dinosaur books and that he was going to need the usual half hour, like all the other times he was researching something.

“Okay,” I said to him, “don’t think too hard, Tomo.” Tomo nodded and left.

“Hey, dad?” Kenta asked.

“Yeah?”

“Why does Tomo like to research so much?” I got up and patted my clothes clean, then did the same to Kenta.

“It’s what he likes to do,” I said, picking him up and bringing him inside, “You like to play don’t you?”

“Yup!” Kenta said smiling, “I do it everyday!” And then he laughed.

“I think he’s about done,” I whispered as I opened the door, “Tomo.” Tomo’s half of the room was as immaculate as it always was and he was asleep at his desk as he always was. I cleared his desk the way he always had it and carried him over to his bed. After putting Tomo in his bed I turned to see the other half of the room. Kenta’s side of the room was as unkempt as it always was.

“Honestly,” I began thinking aloud, “you guys are only five, yet, how are you two so different? Being different it good, of course...but you’re twins for crying out loud. One is loud and rowdy and the other is calm and collected...” I sighed. I’d thought this exact same thing countless times. I looked at Kenta’s side of the room and sighed again. “I have to get Kenta to start cleaning his side.”

“I will dad!” I turned to the door.

“Wha! Kenta! Shh!” I prompted in a forced whisper, “Tomo’s sleeping! You know how easily--”

“No need for that dad,” Tomo’s voice joined, “I see you two are as loud as ever.” I looked at Tomo on his bed, looking oblivious and tired. Then I looked to Kenta with his already muddy shorts, and beaming smile. I sighed, a large one this time, and buried my face into my hands.

…

“Go, Kenta! Pass it to Tomo, he’s open!” Kenta dribbled the soccer ball down the field. Kenta and Tomo’s high school soccer team had been doing pretty well this season, and back at home they were closer than before because of soccer. “Ahh, it’s a good thing they both found something they could talk about. Oh, thank you Soccer God. Now, if only they’d be able to keep girls interested…” I looked up and saw a flash of white. Then everything went black.

I woke up in a space of white. Everything was still a bit fuzzy, but I could see two figures next to me.

“Where--”

“Dad!” Kenta gasped, “Tomo, dad’s--”

“I know, I know,” Tomo interrupted, “we should inform the nurses.” Kenta nodded and pushed a button on the wall. I tried getting up, and that took too much out of me so I tried to play it cool and laid back down.

“Hey,” I slurred, “what happened?” Kenta froze and looked at Tomo. Tomo motioned with his chin to me and looked from me to Kenta. Apparently, Kenta understood what Tomo meant and looked at me in the eyes.

“Dad…” Kenta’s eyes were getting watery, “I kicked the ball and it hit you on the head…”

“Oh,” I said understanding, “that’s why I saw a flash of white.” Kenta’s face was scrunched up and red and tears were escaping his eyes.

“I’m so sorry dad. I--I didn’t mean to hit you.” Hearing this, I chuckled.

“I know, Kenta. It’s fine. Accidents happen,” I turned to Tomo, “How’d the game go?”

“We won, obviously. The score was 3-2. Kenta scored the winning goal.” I looked to Kenta, he was wiping his snot onto his jersey.

“Good job, kid,” I said, holding out my hand for a manly shake. Kenta shook it and the doctor came in. All eyes went to the intruder.

“Hi, Mr. Kazuo Hisakawa. I’m Dr. Hayashi and we did some scans on you just to make sure that you were ready to head home but…” I looked at him. “Buts” were never good. “...It seems that you have a chronic cancer in your body.” I jumped up.

“What?!” I yelled bewildered, I glanced to Kenta and Tomo. Kenta looked surprised and Tomo’s face was now pale. “There is no way. No way that I have cancer!” Kenta and Tomo were looking at me now, scared.

“I’m sorry Mr. Hisakawa...but we found traces of Renal cancer in your kidneys. Your cancer is already in stage three of the four stages.” A thick smoggy silence left the room. “I’ll give you time to come to terms with it and think about what you want to do.” The doctor was about to leave when I blurted out a single phrase.

“How long do I have?”

“I’m not going to get treatment.” Tomo’s eyes shot to mine.

“Dr. Hayashi said that you have, at most, two months to live! We can still do something!”

“Tomo,” we turned to Kenta’s surprisingly quiet voice, “let dad do what he wants.” Kenta looked up and finished what he was going to say, “Everyone dies at some point... Like mom.” I moved over, closer to Kenta and ruffled his hair.

“You know what you’re talking about, Kenta.” I smiled to Tomo, “Just like Kenta said, Tomo. Everyone’s life must end at some point in time. Why not make it a natural death, rather than a longer, more painful one?” Tomo seemed to understand what I meant, and instead of saying something, he looked down and chose to stay quiet. I put my arms around my two sons and tried to keep a cheerful tone. “Come on, guys! Don’t be so glum! We still have time! Let’s make more memories with the remaining time that I have!” Kenta nodded. A moment later Tomo also nodded. Although I couldn’t see their faces I could hear the sniffling and I could see the tears that dropped onto the ground. Once again. Why? Why me? Why now? Why? First it’s Akiko, now me? What about Kenta and Tomo? Who will care for them? I’m so sorry you two…

Time went by slowly at first-- for all three of us. Once we’d gotten the news we couldn’t find meaning in doing anything. But as we got used to the idea of me being gone, time went by faster. A lot faster. We had more fun. We made more memories. Best of all, we got closer. During that short time frame, we talked about so much things. Things that I wouldn’t have known about neither Kenta nor Tomo if it weren’t for my cancer. I learned that Kenta was crushing on a girl named Saki in his class, and that Tomo was actually pretty popular among the girls in his. When I asked Tomo if anyone had caught his eye, he simply smiled. It was a nice smile, one I’d never seen before. Kenta on the other hand was too cowardly to confront Saki and confess, so I had tried giving him some advice, but he’d mess up before he even got to use it. Including girls, we talked about soccer. Tomo was probably the smartest on the team, maybe in his whole grade. Kenta was one of the best players on the team and was a candidate for captain next season. They both learned more about me and Akiko. When I told them of my fondest memories they would cringe and pretend to do something else. I knew though, that secretly, they enjoyed learning about their mother the most. So I’d think hard for new stories that I might’ve forgotten to tell.

I’d gotten worse and worse as the first month passed and the second one was about to finish. I had a few days left, and I had some important things to say to my two, so very different, but scared sons.

I set the pen neatly onto the table, and fell into a blank space of nothingness.

The door slammed open.
“Dad!” The boy known as Tomo ran to the bed with Kenta at his heels. Kenta frantically looked around at all the foreign equipment and at the humans that crowded his father’s room.

“Tomo?” Kenta whispered, “What’s happening? What’s wrong?” Tomo stood by the bed looking at his father’s face.

“Dad’s...gone,” he said it so faintly that it melted into the air. Kenta grabbed Tomo’s arm and turned him around, tears down his cheeks.

“No! No!” Kenta screamed, “No! He’s not dead! Not dead yet!”

“Kenta,” Tomo tried reasoning calmly, “Dad’s gone. But he’ll--”

“NO!!” Kenta pushed Tomo away and turned on the doctors and nurses in the room. “It was you guys! You guys did this to him on purpose!” The nurses and doctors stepped back and tried to defend themselves against Kenta’s strong kicks and punches. “He still had two days left!” Everyone had left the room in a panicked rush. Without hesitating, Tomo ran to his brother’s side, tackling him onto the cold, tiled floor.

“Kenta!” Tomo’s calm mask shattered, “Dad chose this! You, you thought this was the best too, did you not!?” Kenta fought against Tomo. Tears began to form on the rims of Tomo’s eyes. Still, Kenta struggled. “Please, Kenta,” Tomo whispered, a tear drop falling onto Kenta’s red cheeks. Tomo stared hard into Kenta’s eyes. Pleading him to stop. Kenta looked to Tomo, and stopped his struggling. Tomo dropped his head onto Kenta’s chest and Kenta covered his eyes with his arms.

“Tomo,” Kenta said softly, “I’m sorry, that was my fault.” Tomo answered with soft sobs, and Kenta too, then began to quietly sob.

…

“He was a man who cared deeply for the people around him...” the eulogists all droned on. Tomo and Kenta didn’t care to listen because they were busy staring at the casket in the middle of the room. The two brothers didn’t even bother to console each other as blank stares replaced their dry, tear streaked faces.

When finally everyone left, a lone man walked to the twins. It was Dr. Hayashi and he had something in his hands. The twins didn’t notice him, so he cleared his throat. Kenta, bothered by the sudden movements glanced to the man standing before them. Seeing Dr. Hayashi he bowed his head in apology for the outbreak that he had the other day, and tugged on Tomo’s shirt. Tomo’s head twitched in his direction but his eyes stayed on his father’s casket. Dr. Hayashi, sensing that his presence was not wanted, set the letter on the table and left the twins to themselves. Tomo with a hard look on his face continued to stare at his father.

“Tomo?” Kenta murmured, “Dr. Hayashi left a piece of paper here for us.” Tomo turned his head to Kenta and saw the paper. Kenta slowly walked over to Tomo and handed him the letter. Tomo opened the paper and was comforted by the simple familiar cursive that he’d seen his father create countless times, and then proceeded to read what was written out loud to Kenta.

Hey guys,

I was afraid that something like this was going to happen,

so I wrote this letter in case it did.

Pretty smart of me, don't you think?

First up, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for having you go along with my selfishness.

I’m sorry for leaving you two to fend for yourselves.

I’m sorry for not being the best dad that I could’ve been.

But, I’m also thankful.

I’m thankful for having two, so very different sons.

I’m thankful for having been able to

learn so much about you two in the past two months.

I wish I could’ve told you more about your mom.

I’m sure you know that she was a beautiful person,

and that she loves you just as much as I do.

Maybe a tad bit more, actually.

Now, just because I’m gone doesn’t mean that you can slack off.

Kenta, continue your soccer goals.

Don’t look back, keep pushing forward.

Become the best of the best!

Tomo, keep your studies up,

you have gift that not many have.

Become someone that others look up to.

…

And take care of each other.

My two precious sons, you have no idea.

No idea of how much I love you.

Strive for the future.

If you fail, learn from it and better yourself.

P.S

Kenta, stop being such a coward. Go on and tell Saki.

I’m sure you’ll be surprised by what she has to say.

Tomo, don’t just look at her back from a distance.

Walk by her side.

A drop of tears fell onto the note and disappeared into the paper, leaving behind a darker, circular blotch. Tomo wiped his tears, Kenta followed suit. And they both looked to the casket with warmth in their eyes.

…

I came to in a dark place. I got up and turned a full three hundred and sixty degrees. Everything around me was dark, and as far as I could see, no one else was here. It was dark. And quiet and I noticed that my body seemed to be...glowing. I decided to not think too hard about that and began walking in a direction, any direction and I’d begun to hum. Humming came quite easily to me when I was bored, and I thought, “If no one’s here, why not sing?” And so instead of humming, I began to sing. It was a catchy tune that Kenta had showed me. The song mainly talked about a little blue bird that was walking through town and all the different things that it saw. It was a silly tune, but it’d gotten stuck in my head nevertheless.

“Walking through this strange world.” I began, “Is a hard thing to do when you’re small like me. When you’re cute like me. When you’re blue like me. Walking through crowds of humans is a challenge to do! When you’re small like me. When you’re cute like me. When you’re blue like me!” As I sang I got louder and louder until it wasn’t even considered singing, but more of a yell.

What was that? I quickly stopped singing and cocked my head, trying to see if what I heard was real. It was. I could still hear a faint laugh. My heart started pounding, my blood rushed to my head, I got into a cold sweat. Who was that? Was I not alone? What’s happening? Oh gosh, I’m scared… My body seemed to have it’s own reaction to the sound as it slowly crumpled to the ground. Instead of getting back up to explore like the brave person I am, I decided to stay in my little ball and hide behind my arms. As I stayed in my protective ball I could notice that the sound was getting louder and louder. Nearer and nearer. I squinted through my arms and couldn’t see very well, but I could make out a faint light. The sound was louder now and I could start making out short phrases.

I stayed in the ball for what seemed like hours. The sound had stopped and I was balled up just to make sure that it was gone. Whatever it was scared the heck out of me. Look up! Look up! I tried convincing myself. Come on, stop being such a scaredy cat, as Kenta would say. Look. Up. Kazuo. I finally worked up the courage to look up and regretted it right away.

“Ahh!” I yelled, falling back on my bum. I heard the sound again. But it was much clearer, and it sounded familiar.

“Kazuo!” the voice exclaimed, “what’s wrong with you?” More laughing. I stared at the glowing being. Eyes wide in disbelief.

“Akiko?” I asked hesitantly, “Is that you, Akiko?” She smiled a big smile and nodded, her hair bouncing all around. I took another look at her. More intensely this time. I looked at her hair. Her face. Her jawline. The way she sat and looked at me smiling. “Akiko!” I leaped up off my butt and hugged her as I never had before.

“Oomph! Kazuo, you’ll suffocate me!” More laughs.

“Akiko,” I said squeezing her, “Oh, Akiko...you don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”

“And you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you.” I pulled away from her and held her shoulders to get a better look at her.

“How are you?” I asked, “Are you okay? What hav--”

“Tsk, tsk.” Akiko scolded, “Let’s leave that for later. Let’s get going.” She held my hand and stood up, motioning for me to do the same.

“Where are we going?” I asked. Before answering Akiko and I walked a bit. To where? I can’t say, but we did. We continued to walk in silence. Enjoying each other’s company.

“How are the boys?” Akiko asked. I glanced at her and saw that she was looking forward with a smile. I looked forward and saw a little white light in the distance. Keeping my eyes on that I told her Kenta and Tomo’s names and saw her smile get larger. The sparkle in her eyes even brighter. Everything poured out of me. I told her of the hardships in the beginning, of being a widowed father with twins, of my memories with the boys, of my cancer. I also told her about the hearts of the two young men and how they were doing with girls. She laughed at that. We’d reached the white that was in the distance after I finished. Looking at it, the white seemed to be a door. Two doors.

“Kazuo.” I flinched, surprised to hear Akiko’s voice. It wasn’t that I didn’t like, it was just that I’d been only hearing my voice and had gotten used to it. Hearing another voice was a pleasure to my ears grateful ears.

“Yeah?” I replied. She looked deep into my eyes before answering, and when she did the tone was one of sadness.

“We’ve only just met up, but now it’s time to part.” Her voice had gotten quiet and she seemed to be on the verge of tears.

“Well...right now we’re ghosts, right?” Akiko looked at me, surprised at my sudden mention of something so inappropriate considering the timing. I looked back at her, expecting an answer. She laughed.

“Yes, yes. It seems we are.”

“And now we have to part?” Looking at the white doors, Akiko nodded. “Well, then! We’ll just have to find each other again! Nothing too hard about that, right?” Akiko’s looked to me and I continued, “I mean, considering how much we love each other. We have to meet up again at some point. There’s a reason why we call each other soul mates.” Akiko couldn’t help but crack a smile at that. She sighed.

“Geeze. The way you put it,” she turned from me and faced the doors, “I was trying to be feely touchy there, but you and your simpleness…” she looked back to me, “I don’t know if I should consider you a genius or just dumb.” I smiled at that and hugged her. I ran my fingers through her hair, it would be long before I’d get to do it again. Akiko nuzzled deeper into my chest, it wouldn’t be as big the next time we’d meet. A long while passed with us in that position. When we finally pulled away, it was with genuine smiles.

“I guess I’ll see you on the other side then,” Akiko said.

“For sure,” I nodded. I waited for Akiko to go through her door first, stared at it a bit, then walked through mine.

…

Two grown men sit on the top of a hill. Two women, known as Naoko and Saki sit with them, hands held. A soft breeze blows. The rustling of tree leaves fill the air. Two simple headstones stand side by side, overlooking the same trees. The same waters. And the same skies.

Author's Note

Well, this was my first work and my first completed one too. I don't know if it works or not, like with the dialogue, and the movements in time? It'd help a lot if you gave me some pointers!! I'd do a review of yours if requested :D

Reviews

[S. D. Forogar]

I'd noticed a trend very early into this story, and several points to discuss as well, which had continued throughout the piece. Yet, I digress; as usual, my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: The emotion in this piece, as it was quite well-done. The way characters interacted above, and their dialogue (though weak in a couple of less relevant areas) was quite adeptly able to carry this emotion through to me, the Reader. Poor aspects of this story have stifled it somewhat in this regard, but it still stands to be above average regardless.

However, despite this, I cannot compare it to the plot. This is easily the strongest element to this piece, and were it longer it would stand as representative of one of the greatest stories I've read on this site. There's an infinite level of possibilities for such a plot, yet. . . .

The BAD: The abandonment of the plot. This might sound comical, or even silly, being included here, but I do have a good reason for doing so. As I mentioned, the plot above is, itself, excellent, and lends itself to such potential. However, with that being said, the fact that so little was done with such an incredible layout just cripples this aspect to a simple "what-if?" scenario. There are two reasons, I find, for my disdain in this area, and they address the Flow and the detail.

First, I'll address the Flow. Generally, the strongest stories have "flowing" plots, ones in which a single event transitions to the next without omitting a great deal of time. There are exceptions to this, such as the interrelation of chapters, but within the context of a single chapter the plot should act progressively, events "bleeding into" one another. There are many examples of this throughout the piece, and I'll include an example below my next comments.

My next issue pertains to detail, which is essentially nonexistent. This is a VERY common lack in the stories I've read online, and even though I understand that shorter pieces need less detail, what survives should still leave the audience with a means of discerning what is happening and what it all looks like, even vaguely. This is the point that earns me the most dislike, because it is the most difficult element to please. I'll try to use the example of below to point out a few errors from this, and from the Flow.

[NOTE: I will include Points where I see fit, within brackets ().]

(Throughout this whole piece, more environmental and character descriptive work is needed. It's safest to shoot for what you feel will be MORE than enough, because it's not uncommon to believe you've included way too much and still not describe something adequately. What does the house look like? What images are brought up, or what memories, or what discussions? How does this environment, or even the appearance of a different character, affect the narrating character?)

The sound of newborn wails filled the village's cool autumn air.

(And? If this is Kazuo's birth, which it appears to be, then please continue with this scene. Perhaps you could include something similar to what happens to Akiko and Kazuo, or else unveil some aspect of Kazuo's father that we the audience have yet to see. Include some imagery, such as a very light and foreshadowing autumn snowfall, or Kazuo's father's journey through a crinkle-leaf path to the doctor's workplace in the village. Try to appeal to all of the five senses, where you possibly can, and use as few words as possible to describe something.)

(I'll put an example below, that you can build upon or morph as you see fit, should you choose to keep it.)

'The sound of newborn wails filled the village's cool autumn air, the wails of his child.

'Rakaro's forceful steps sunk into the soft, mucky ground, making sickening sucking noises with each raised foot as if mucus snorts from an overloaded nose. The sounds of snorting from an overloaded nose met these, as Rakaro struggled against the blowing breeze that made the rainfall appear to rush longways. His sight was blurred greatly, though he could make out a distorted yellow light in the distance. Shivering, he drew his raincoat closer, the dampness seeping in.

'Rakaro growled, his torn wet-boots filling with moist, muddy water, before coughing and spitting his tobacco chew to the earth below.'

(In the above, where needed, I wrote to appeal to the senses all; the stench of a clogged nose, the taste of chewing tobacco, the sight of a distant destination through a masking rainfall, the sounds of a mucky walk and snorting, and the feel of dampness in the bones. It could easily do with revision, but stands as a fair makeshift to help the detail along. As well, similes and metaphors, or "comparison language," really helps to relate an audience to a story.)

…

“Kazuo! You’d better get up and ready yourself for the lesson today!” my mother called from the kitchen.

(We should learn more about this lesson, considering how important it is to the beginning of the story. It should become a major plot element, not simply something that can be written off in a single paragraph down the line.)

“Alright!” She hadn’t needed to call for me; I had already gotten up at sunrise. I hardly got any sleep because of the excitement that this specific lesson brought. This year, I could take part. All the other years I was too young, and not ready. No matter how much I persuaded and begged, I was shot down with the same sentence: “You’re not ready yet.” But, this year is different.
“Kazuo, finish your breakfast,” my mom had her back turned to me, but it seemed that she really did have eyes on the back of her head, as she somehow knew that I was trying to slip away from my chair.
“But mom,” I whined, “today’s the most important day of my life! I don’t have time for this.” My mom set the dishes down and turned to me, looking at me seriously and sighed.
“Today’s the last day I get to prepare a meal for you. Finish everything, please.” I could see the plea in her eyes. Father had gone missing a few years back and she’d been raising me alone. The village didn’t say anything, but we could see subtle signs of them avoiding us. Most of the time I listened to my mom and tried to be a good son, but there were times when I could be a jerk. And that’s what I was now.

(How had father gone missing? The mystery surrounding Kazuo's father is intriguing, but wholly-ignored.)

“Mom!” I slammed the table, “you’re not a guy, so you don’t know how much this day means to me.”
“And you’re not a mother,” she shot back, “so you wouldn’t know what this means to me!” We stayed silent for a while. Looking into the other’s eyes. Angry red thoughts blaring into our minds. After what seemed like forever, my mother cast her eyes down. She rubbed her face and temples, sighing again.
“I’m sorry, Kazuo. It’s just...this. This is taking a very hard toll on me. I couldn’t bear losing your father, and now I’m losing you too.” It was my turn to look down, all the anger washed out of me, replaced with grief and concern.
“But he’s not dead. He’s just...gone.” I paused, about to leave. Before leaving the room, I stopped and said to her, “ I’m not leaving either. It’s just a week. I’ll be back.”

(Why is there a worry of whether or not he won't come back? It seems as though the apparent 'danger' of this trial is just a myth, by how little credence the story gives to the lesson.)

…

“I’m back! Mom!” I yelled from the doorway. The lesson had ended and I’d walked back to the village. The lesson wasn’t as spartan as I’d thought it to be. We really only walked around over the hills and back, killing animals here and there for food. We learned how to tail animals, how to prepare them. Pretty much anything survival related. The only good thing about the lesson was really just that I got to hang out with Makoto, a childhood friend. He’d been with me for over 10 years now and he still hadn’t gotten sick of me.
“Kazuo,” my mother said as she ran to me, “you’re back!”
“I am!” I was smiling. I hadn’t noticed how much I had missed mother and now I was in her arms. I was only just getting comfy when she suddenly pulled back.
“You seem thinner.” She looked into my eyes, “Let’s get something inside of you, okay?” I nodded and she turned around, getting to work on my next meal. I left her to herself and went to my room. My room was simple, a bed (although it was just sheets layered on the ground), a small table to keep my things off the ground, and a window to let the light through. I sat down on my bed and took a book from my table.
“Well,” I said to myself, setting the book down on my lap and laying down, “what am I supposed to do now? The lesson wasn’t as great as I thought. It was actually boring.” I sighed.

(Need to have some indication that mother arrives. Simply being there without any pause, as if she pretended to be doing something just to follow her son to his room, will not suffice, and is nonsensical. As well, since no description of this house is disclosed at any point, are we the audience to assume that each room is just a second's travel distance from the next? I'd have no problem with 'I left her to herself and went to my room' if such a description were previously written; yet, it has not been.)

“Your food won’t be ready in a while,” my mom was leaning on the door’s frame, “you can go over to Makoto’s if you want.” I sat up so that I could see her properly.
“I can? I just got back…” My mom seemed to deflate and she sighed. Again.
“Of course you can. He’s your friend and he hasn’t seen you in a while either.” I got up and started getting ready to head out.
“I’ll be going then mom.” She nodded and ruffled my hair as I walked past her.
“Don’t stay out too late or your food will get cold.”
“Okay!”

(A nit-pick, so be warned! Yet, doesn't the mother know that Kazuo's friend was a part of the village's lesson-group? This village sounds small enough that people would know almost everyone else and hear even the slightest gossip from their friends, or their kids' friends. This would only work if the mother NEVER left home and never associated with anyone.)

This could easily be a six- or seven-chapter novella, if extended to add all of this new detail, and would be much more impressive if done so, as well.

In conclusion, I will admit that I was drawn along by this piece, but I did see errors that stunted my fuller enjoyment of the story. As such, I recommend that the author remedy these, and I'd be happy to take another look at it once this has been done!

[Pajci]

Yess! I love you. So much right now haha. I really want to thank you soo much for this super duper awesome review!! I mentioned that it was for a school assignment, so I didn't have too much time and it was about the cycle of life and what not so I had to skip around a lot. Yet, these are all excuses! I agree with what you've said, now that I think about it...And, I WILL, also, rewrite this, er..edit it? I'll change and add some things for sure though. I hope that when I do finish or get closer to finishing you'll read it again and give me even more tips. :D Once again, thanks so much for your thoughts and review.

[S. D. Forogar]

Not a problem! I'd be happy to read it again, just give me a time when you've got everything ready!

[Owen J Kato]

This is well written! Nice ending. I cannot say too much as this is not my genre, but the adultness(I know that's not a word) to this writing is fantastic! Good first work, more should come!

[Laura Lynn]

this is a beautiful story, I should try to write more like this, or apply it to my life,

[Pajci]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!! And adding it to your library :3 I'm glad that my writing has made you more...how to say it...ambitious? with your writing!

[Laura Lynn]

thanks, you are the greatest but you might hear it too much, I guess when we get much applause for writing then we might not push oneself hard enough, but maybe that is to give us a chance to balance our speaking with our listening though I want to push myself really hard, you know< I'll feel better if I do that

[Pajci]

Ahh, I get what you mean! Because then we're taking it for granted aren't we? But I'm rootin' for you. Fight, fight! Ganbatte~ Haha :D