The Tear

I can be about whatever you need it to be about. Anything in your life you feel the need to hide your grief about. It's to all who've ever felt alone or that no one cares about them.

Unsure of what to say
Let alone what to do

Simply standing there
Mouth open
Eyes brimming
Threatening to betray
What she feels
Inside.

Head turned to the side
She loses control

Breaking down
A single
Salty
Tear
Falling
To
The ground.

The safe she locked her heart in

Broken.

Open.

Author's Note

Tell me whatcha think, feel, observe. Please be respectful. If you have criticism, I'd love to hear it. But -helpful- criticism, like... what I can do better. Not just "you suck". Because that -really- doesn't help. ;-) Thank you!

Reviews

[Sasha]

Not much to criticize here. It's really brief and straight-forward while effectively telling the story of a young girl that is hurt and not sure how to handle that pain. I liked the bit of rhyme toward the end and the way you set up the part about her tear falling. You did a good job on this.

[Lydia Blackwell]

I have totally been there... great write! I like how you set up your lines. Broken. Open. It puts emphasis where it should be.

[Miss Coral]

Emotion filled, concise, and perfect. Excellent piece.

[azlamalo]

great flow, and i totally love the way you describe her reaction. well done

[Francesca]

I love how we don't know exactly what made her feel this way, I think it helps us to empathize a bit. You describe how it feels very well and when I read it it feels dark and sad and kinda like she's going crazy. and i love the line breaks at the end :) good job

[jenniewren (J.W. Bouwma..]

first let me say i enjoyed this - a bit like the setting of a scene no? one single moment, vividly characterized.
the thing is.. something about the ending seems awkward but i can't quite put my finger on it. i hope you don't mind my saying that... when i read someone's work and i find a part that sort of stutters the flow, i try to work out alternate syntaxes or structuring... this is what i came up with:

the safe
she had locked
her heart into
having finally
broken
open

(i hope you don't take offense at my playing with the words. i know it's highly subjective, and really, just a suggestion to take, or not.)

[Tea And A Cheshire Smil..]

I love the way it flows, and the last three lines were brilliant :) A great piece

[Dakota]

A single
Salty
Tear
Falling
To
The ground.

I like the way you did this. You've got a good flow too. Nice piece!

[Mary]

I like the way it rolls

[indu]

perhaps you could add a bit more..like the scenario
and i loved the last 3 lines. =)