The Tear

I can be about whatever you need it to be about. Anything in your life you feel the need to hide your grief about. It's to all who've ever felt alone or that no one cares about them.

Unsure of what to say
Let alone what to do

Simply standing there
Mouth open
Eyes brimming
Threatening to betray
What she feels
Inside.

Head turned to the side
She loses control

Breaking down
A single
Salty
Tear
Falling
To
The ground.

The safe she locked her heart in

Broken.

Open.

Author's Note

Tell me whatcha think, feel, observe. Please be respectful. If you have criticism, I'd love to hear it. But -helpful- criticism, like... what I can do better. Not just "you suck". Because that -really- doesn't help. ;-) Thank you!

Reviews

[Sasha]

Not much to criticize here. It's really brief and straight-forward while effectively telling the story of a young girl that is hurt and not sure how to handle that pain. I liked the bit of rhyme toward the end and the way you set up the part about her tear falling. You did a good job on this.

[Leon Agnew]

Very nice, I definitely liked this. Your fragmented lines will get criticism from poem fundamentalists, but it really augments your style. Very good job.

[Natalie]

The beginning was a little weak. But the end was incredible. The words were like fists punching into your face. But the first five lines needed to flow a little more. I really liked the simplicity of the poem though. Good job

[Livana Lowell]

Okay I thought the idea of the poem was very great, conveying the fluxing emotions of a young girl experiencing the shatter of innocence or at least that's what comes to my head when I read this. Smidging the eyes of youth and damaging the heart, the soul so that it changes them forever. It is indeed like a tear in the soul, in the heart.

However, I have a question, what is "brimming" supposed to mean? In verb form, it means to fill up. I suppose it could fit so that the girl is experiencing, watching something so horrible that the image "brim" into her eyes. Is that what you meant? Otherwise, I don't understand the use of that word.

And forgive my naive heart, but "Threatening to betray what she feels"? What does that mean? Like how does that contribute to the poem, to the girl abosrbing pain into her soul? Do you mean that she held a stubborness to not cry, and in betrayal, she releases tears anyway? If so, keep it, otherwise, it confuses me.

Also, the last two words are quite puzzling and allow depth into the reader's thinking. They seem to not fit. What do you mean by "broken"? I feel there could be a stronger way to say that. And "open"? That seems like a too happy word. It's usually connotated with a blissful emotions or something like that. I just found it odd to me.

Just some things to look at when re-looking this piece. At parts, I just feel it could be stronger if you strengthen the diction. However, the controlling idea is strong, and the piece is still beautiful, but it can be even more beautiful.

Good job.

[Robyn]

beautifully written. I think at times, we have all felt like this... So this poem is so easy to relate to!

great work with this

[little lily Bride of Ch..]

beautifully written i can relate to this but was so lovely done. nice work

[Kitten]

Beautifully written and composed. I wonder what inspired you to create this piece. It makes me curious as to what happens after her heart is suddenly opened. Nice job, pet.

[Iota]

It is like she had just heard the worst news of her life and it has finally sunk in to her heart and thats when the tear falls. I just hope I never make someone feel that way or ever feel that way myself. criticism, I have never been good at that so nothing comes to mind.

[Dream Weaver]

I felt and enjoyed everything about this piece,
except for the last two lines. "The safe she
locked her heart in broken open" It seems to
not fit. just an opinion: Maybe something like
this would suffice. (The safe she locked her
heart in cracked wide open with such despair)
Just a thought. remember your poem your
words it's what you feel.

[FeliciaS (Poetic Prince..]

Sounds kinda like my life..over & over again

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem is strong and you told a very good story. The tears allow us to re-birth some hope and make us come alive. Pain is a lesson to make us wiser if we are lucky. A excellent poem.
Coyote