The First

... the obvious ...

There is a moment, as I sweep the floor of the rustic lodge and Nancy brushes the wide flat blinds slitting the picturesque windows capturing Silver Lake, that I ponder how close I had come to losing it.

As the Lodge owners retreat to their office to review receipts and dinner comments from the night before, I semi-shout out, "almost lost my virginity last night", in a studied tone that would only reach one person. There is a silence, that can only be described as sudden, that fills the air, and I decide to focus on the many nooks and crannies of an ancient floor. I am too stupid to be embarassed, too ignorant to be concerned, and too cute to worry.

Tonight, after work that is effortless while in the throws of falling in love, and after the meal which is just a distraction, there is the time shared in the cabin. This time, my cabin, not hers, as I wish for a whisper of control over a situation that has already been decided. "...I had no idea you were a virgin ... are you sure ... let me tell you about me, and my brief history..." The blood runs to fill up my chest as it glows in the deep summer forest, my cheeks become flush and I look upon the verdant flesh before me as a journey who's time has come.

I remember very little in specific about that night, it is the distractions that caught my memory. The lamp and the circles of light that emancapated from it. The coyotes in the distance, their howl and how it matched my mood. The concept of lovemaking being effortless so all you see are shapes and shadows and the face of a woman pleased. The feeling of "is that all there is"...

There is nothing new in my experience. There is nothing different that I can share, except that the important events in our life pass through us, as water through our hands. It is only later we see the magnifcent background, hear the transcendent sounds and truly feel the beauty we once posessed. In that moment, we touch our first time again with all the wisdom a lifetime will allow and all the perspective a human heart can hold.