The Golden Belly-Button

The boy was born different and his parents taught him there was something wrong. He went in search of someone to fix his problem and no one could ... until he gave up and a kind fairy turned up, sadly

Many, many years ago, so long ago, in fact, I forget what this story is about, so I will tell you another.

A long, long time ago when I do remember, in the olden days when men were men and so were women, a beautiful baby was born. His parents were so proud and happy, but then they noticed that he had a shining golden belly-button. They were shocked and confused and so were the doctors, but the doctors always were, so that didn't matter. They gave him all sorts of tests and looked in his mouth and under his arm-pits. They were all there (his mouth and armpits) so they decided that everything was in working order and his parents were told to shut-up, that their baby was perfect and the golden belly-button didn't exist.

They did shut-up because they were too embarrassed to tell anyone, but the golden belly-button continued to exist. When the boy was old enough to look down, he saw his golden belly-button and marvelled at the wonderful sight. But his parents made such a fuss about it and wouldn't talk about it, he started to worry. This continued and as he grew, he worried more and more about it and wouldn't let anyone see it. He wouldn't go swimming or sunbathing and bathed under a towel so the light-bulb couldn't see. It got so bad that he would only get changed in the dark so that he couldn't see himself and everyone wondered why he wore different coloured socks and his shirt inside out.

He wanted to get rid of his stupid belly-button and when he was old enough to leave home he went in search of someone who could help him. He went to a belly-button doctor who pondered the problem for a day or three and then rubbed methylated spirits on it to dissolve it. But that only dribbled down and dissolved his pubic hair and he had a naked willy for two months.

Then he went to a Maori Kaumatua or old man, who said, "When I take out your golden screw, you never have to poo." He thought of the time he would save not having to go to the toilet and that would be great. So the Kaumatua talked to Papatuanuku the Earth Mother, Ranginui the Sky Father and Tangaroa the God of the Sea. Then he put down the phone and boiled up the gall-bladder of a Hapuka fish and the left eye of a Kereru bird. He rubbed the mixture on but the golden belly-button was still there and he had to go to the toilet really bad so that didn't work.

So he went to Australia to see an Aboriginal Kadaiche Man who said he would make him famous. "When I take out your golden screw, everyone gonna say 'How do you do'". He thought it would be good being famous with no golden belly-button. The Kadaiche Man lit a fire and stirred up spinafex sap with a waliru feather, played his digeridoo and said some magic words - "Goo dubba mee awe kutu wanna" which meant "I don' know what to do with dis stupid button, but I hope dis mixture make it go rotten." But the golden belly-button just smiled back and said, "You silly old man, I'm not going nowhere," and that didn't work.

Then he went to America to see a Cherokee Indian Medicine Man whose name was Bent Feather From The One-Eyed Eagle With The Head-Ache Coz A Fast Running Buffalo Stood On Him and he had an extra large cheque-book so his signature would fit. He looked deeply into the golden belly-button, almost drowned and when he had dried himself he lit a fire and burned a cedar smudge and his finger and said "Ouch!" He asked for the eye-sight of the eagle and the strength of the bear and the speed of the cougar but they said, "Not today Man. Don't you know it's our day off." So that didn't work.

He went to many, many other lands and no one could help - the stupid belly-button just sat there smiling and shining. He came to Ireland where he met a Wicca, a wise woman, who said, "So you're the twit with the golden belly-button." And so he left that place.

He was very sad and upset and all he could think of was home and his stupid belly-button. He went back to New Zealand to see his parents but they still wouldn't talk about it. He got very depressed and wanted to shoot himself but he pointed the gun the wrong way and shot three chooks. Feeling really sad he went wandering in the bush for two days and got lost. He eventually found himself but still didn't know where he was and sat down on a log to cry. After a time he wiped his eyes and realised that a beautiful girl was sitting next to him.

"What is the matter?" she asked.

He told her of all his troubles and this took six days and he got hungry. When he had finished his story and his stomach stopped rumbling, she said she knew how to get rid of his golden belly-button. She told him that her remedy was unusual but if he believed her, it would work. She was so beautiful and looked so honest and caring he was prepared to believe.

"At the next full moon you must go down to the beach at sunset," she said. "Strip off your clothes and lie on your back on the sand. Do not move till sunrise, and your golden belly-button will be gone."

Then she vanished.

The next full moon he did as she said and lay naked on the beach and waited. He tried to sleep but couldn't so the Sand-Man came down to sprinkle sleep in his eyes, missed and biffed it in his mouth and it took 10 minutes to spit the stupid stuff out. Eventually, he did go to sleep and at midnight a beautiful golden fairy slid down a moon-beam and landed softly on his tummy. She got a golden screw-driver out of her Reebok shoe and unscrewed the golden belly-button. She put the golden belly-button and the golden screw-driver in the Nike bag between her wings and slid silently back up the moon-beam.

At sunrise he awoke and looked down to see that his golden belly-button had gone. He leapt up, full of joy, and his bum fell off.

Reviews

[Elizabeth Elaine Dawson]

Isn't this Kvothe's story from The Wise Man's Fear?

[Damien Marty]

I won't lie, I had to look up what a "chook" was (those poor, unfortunately single-lined chickens).

You used the term "stupid" as an adjective several times, and the only real constructive crit that I can come up with in regards to your posted story is that there is a veritable gold-mine of other words you could have used to convey the same meaning and still stick with the tongue-in-cheek mood of the overall presentation.
For instance:

"[...]it took 10 minutes to spit the stupid stuff out"
For this particular line, given that the boy has gone through his entire life up to this point with a shiny belly-button, I probably would have substituted the word "blasted", "vile", or even just axed the adjective directly and gone with "it took him 10 minutes to spit the stuff out".

I like the appeal of a story that also serves as a classic parable (there is definitely an Aesop's Fables feel with the piece), and the message of "Don't ever be ashamed of yourself otherwise your a*s may fall off" is a funny one told in a very clever way. You also captured the more whimsical elements of the English language and brow-beat them into doing what you want, which is also a plus.

The only other thing I can think of (and this really is just my personal opinion so take it with a boulder of salt) is the awkwardly forced product placement. I know as a reader that you weren't approached by Reebok or Nike and bribed with tons of cash to put their items in your story (we can dream though), but just like with film whenever brand-names are overly displayed in a fictional story I face-palm and die a little bit on the inside.

That's it, two tiny little things in an otherwise fantastic short-story about the hardships of life and having to overcome them by stripping naked and letting a glowing woman jam a screw-driver into your naval.

[ZackOfBridge]

That was a great story. Wild and funny, I liked it a lot