How Not to be Boring

There is nothing worse than conversation with a boring person. Read this that you might learn how not to be boring.

There are few things in life worse than a conversation with a boring person. And not boring as in they have nothing interesting to say, though that is part of it. Boring as in they have no spark of life in their beady little eyes.

 

Boring as in they have neither the capacity nor desire to process a single word that comes out of your mouth.

 

Boring as in should the sky crack like glass and rain down postcards from beyond the borne, they would simply stare, mouth gaping, wheel in their head turning with the corpse of their brain-hamster dead beside.

 

Talking to a boring person is like talking to a rock.

 

Not that I do not love the occasional heart to heart with my pet stone. But there are times when I would rather talk to a stone than to another human being. At least my rock has the good sense to reply.

 

Therefore what?

 

Therefore do not be boring!

 

What then do we do? How then can we overcome this horrible hurdle of boringness? How can we restore life to our brain-hamsters and get that wheel turning again?

 

First, close that half-ajar mouth, wipe the spot of drool from that glistening lip, blink a few times, smile, nod, then chew. Chew chew chew.

 

I’ll reiterate in case some people did not yet follow the above steps.

 

As a listener, chew.

 

A listener need not be creative to be interesting. A listener need not be brilliant. A listener need not have all his fingers and toes. A listener just needs to chew.

 

In conversation, a partner does not care if his listener does not understand the point about the existential import of fictitious characters as discovered rather than created.

 

A speaker cares that his listeners chew on it.

 

Think about it. Let the speaker see that hamster running. Then say something �" anything �" about it. Even if half the words used are previously unknown, say something.

 

Something on topic. Something brilliant. Something astute. Something stupid. Something fascinating. Something ignorant.

 

Something something anything at all.

 

Something other than: “I don’t know,” single-eyebrow-raise-with-lips-drawn-to-a-line.

 

When in conversation, people need to talk.

 

Someone talking at a listener while a glistening bead of drool dribbles out the side of his mouth is not a conversation.

 

But. But. But what if a listener has no idea about what his partner is talking?

 

Does not matter.

 

So long as a listener is engaged, even if that engagement is feigned, he is not boring. Of course, merely listening is not enough. As stated before, a man cannot commune with a rock. It takes two to tango. A murder needs two players, a giver needs a recipient, a virus needs a host, and a conversation needs a speaker AND listener.

 

As a speaker, try very hard not to be boring. The simplest way to do this: make something up.

 

There is nothing more boring than “I don’t know.”

 

No, there is not.

Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Don’t do it. Do not do be that rock. Thank you, good day.

 

Propose a supposition. Surmise something about the given topic about which nothing is known. Unless a speaker is incredibly stupid, then he has something to say. Think, scratch nose, blink, speak.

 

Never “I don’t know.” Never “I don’t know.”

 

Anything is more interesting than “I don’t know.” Why? Because that terrible three and one half word phrase means something quite different than one might think. It means “I can’t think.”

 

What then if a speaker asks a listener a question? If I ask you what the diameter of the sun is and you do not know �" not that I know, just to be clear �" and you do not want to be wrong, instead say “tell me.”

 

“Tell me” encourages farther communication. It is a command. It is two wonderful words. “I don’t know” is a statement of fact. It is not a request for more information. It is a confession of ignorance with no request for that which is unknown.

 

If you do not think your listener has any idea regarding the truth of that which you say, then go ahead and make something up.

 

Say it with confidence. Say it with conviction. Say it as if you went to college majoring in ‘whatever-it-is-you-do-not-know-but-are-making-up-because-you-are-not-boring!’

 

Confidence in ignorance matters. If your listeners knows exactly about what you are talking while you do not, hope is not lost. In bleeding confidence while making something up, a speaker gains a shield. Sass.

 

Should a listener call a speaker out on his made-up nonsense, try again later. Even a loon/idiot/nibblet is more interesting than someone that says “I don’t know.”

 

Chew. Speak. Make something up. Do anything but be boring.

 

Why?

 

Because I don’t know of anything worse than being boring.