Fighting

I absolutley bet that my paper was the worst, most disappointing, degrading piece of paper that my professor has ever recieved !!!!

I dont even want to show up back to class /:

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

See, the thing is that I'm so freaking irresponsible, its not even funny. I lack so much motivation and I simply put off everything because every freaking thing makes me anxious. I'm a freaking failure. I don't think I'm ready for life but I'm out here trying to make sense of it and just trying to wander through it... I feel like I've been living like a zombie these past couple of months. Just blank minded, walking through, taking on challenges and making certain decisions without really thinking about them. I feel like my mind is on blank for many things, including my future.  I hear all the time people asking each other how they see their lives in  years.. I can't even think as far as next month !! I swear, I'm trying my best, I'm trying to keep my cool and I'm trying not to bug the heck out, you know? 

I know that I complain a lot.. but it's hard. It's hard to look in the mirror and not really know who or what I'm looking at. It's hard to face my family and people that are considered my friends because they have this strange idea that I'm this wonderful person, that I have a "beautiful" heart. Some people call me inspirational and all that b.s. It's hard because every night I wonder how I'll make it and sometimes I don't even sleep. It's hard because I wake up in the mornings and wonder why I've made it. It's hard because the first thoughts that come to my mind that I don't welcome, are of dread of facing another day. I know I should be thankful, and as the day develops, I do find reasons to be thankful, but its still a constant battle in my mind. I know, I know, I need to take a grip on myself, I need to get over myself and move on... But its hard because I never even expected to reach this age. I thought I wasn't going to live to be 16. I really thought that I was going to finish the job... But now the very future that I never planned for is unfolding before my very eyes and I feel like I'm not passionate about anything, I feel Stuck but most importantly, I feel Lost.

I try and be strong, but I'm just tired. I don't even do anything, I over sleep and don't even go out, but I'm tired. . . I guess I'm just tired of fighting and not even knowing Why.

Author's Note

I was simply expressing myself..