Standing Under Understanding

11/16/2000 - MY DEPRESSION, MY LOVE & MY SECRET SELF

Where I Should Stand In Issues Like These
Nobody knows, I won't let them.
I feel alive most of the time
It's when the moments hit & I need to be alone
I realize that alone is better than needed
Right now I am single, and happy for it
Freedom to like eveyone that I want to, like
Someday, I fear that a girl will come into my life
Make me want to be free of this feeling
Have me fall into her as deep as I can go
To lose myself in her, become her, lose myself
Who would I be then? I've asked myself that before
"Damaged Goods?" I'd have to say so
In here, in my world - I am safe from these -
Moments. Their darkness. Their intent.
It's cold sometimes. I'd have it no-other way
The cold is what makes me want to feel the warmth
Of the Sun, of the summer, of the worlds' smile
I see it in alot of people I come in contact with
But its an illusion. Me, seeing myself in a mirror
I could never reach deep enough into you to see
The person that you really are. To me, I see flesh
I feel want and need, to feel the want, the need
Ask me again, do I like this one or that one
I'll answer yes, but are we worth it? Is anyone?
This depression is knowing I'll always be alone -
Inside myself, if not in this world
I'll never see myself behind my own eyes &
Neither will you, and doesn't that bother you?
Have you ever questioned that to yourself?
I find that most people don't question anything
My love is the fact that I see this & can react
Make an attempt to make a change
To look harder, and see life, see myself, see God
Understanding is nothing to me now
I realize that nothing in life is understandable
Science is organized confusion
Cutting things up into pieces & filing them away
Religion is the hope we look so hard to find
Never realizing that its right under our noses
The first answer is usually the right one
Philosophy is just the act of bull-shitting
Big ideas of what we think we know about nothing
(I can't candycoat that one, just to tough for me)
So in this, I guess I've gone long enough
Time has passed as I sit here typing this out
Tommorrow is another day, life awaits me out there
Someday I'll find what makes me truely happy
& that would be freedom from myself,
My biggest burden. The big lie to myself
I wanna thank U for reading this, I'm OK really!!
Take from it what U will, U'll never reach deep
Enough to see me (or the world) for what I am.