Shopping

   I can walk around Cabela's for hours but when my girlfriend drags me into some place to watch her try on clothes, my back is killing me within a few minutes.
   Most of the time, I try to make such trips fun, the grocery store is one of the best places to have a good time. Just last week I saw a short woman who wanted something from the back of the top shelf. If she said "Would you please hand me one of those?" I would have. But she said, "I can't reach that, do you mind?" I looked up at the item she was pointing at and said, "My pleasure," locking my fingers together with my hands cupped just above my left knee, I braced myself to give her a boost. "Step up." She looked at me like she didn't get it, so I reached up and got what she wanted from the top shelf. I've done that probably a dozen times through the years, only once did the woman put her foot in my hands and step up to reach what she wanted, then she smiled at me and said "Thank you." and walked on to do her shopping.
   I love it when I go to a store that has these microphones for paging, while standing at the checkout I reached over and grabbed the microphone at the cashier behind me. "Carol," I announced. "I'm in the checkout line so you better hustle," everyone was looking at me. "And, on your way through the feminine hygiene section don't forget to grab a flush kit, try to find one that doesn't taste like vinegar, that is all."
   When you're walking through the store and you hear one of those announcements from the 1mc/pa do you stop and listen? I stop and look up at the speaker until the announcement is done, and if I notice someone watching me I'll say, "At my age when you hear voices from above you pay attention."
   Some friends invited us to diner and asked us to bring some garlic bread, so we stopped at the market, my girlfriend was looking at the frozen garlic bread while I got a fresh loaf at the bakery, I turned to see her looking in the freezer. I held up the loaf of bread and bellowed "Carol!" she looked and saw that I had bread. The woman next to me almost jumped out of her skin. "Why don't you use a microphone?" she said. I looked at her and said, "I don't need a microphone, she heard me."
   Carol always has to go to the head as soon as she gets to the store, I wait outside the head and when she comes out I'll ask, "Everything come out alright?" And while going through the fresh meat section I always pick up one of those hams that comes in the fishnet bag with a handle on one end, hold it up so everyone can see and say, "This little piggy went to market!"
   I like shopping, it's a good place to have fun. When my kitty was about five months old I was looking for a blanket in the baby section, the woman next to me said something to me and I said, "I'm looking for a blanket for my son, he thinks he's a cat."
"Really," she asked, "How old is he?"
"Five months." I replied, "We just had him neutered, domestic short hair yellow tiger."
   There are a few basic rules in life, never dine in a fine restaurant without bringing chopsticks and a Ka-Bar, and Life is too important to be taken seriously.