Odd-o Biography

Once upon a time, there lived a slug named Olpt. Olpt enjoyed a quiet life in a field at the back of a human parking lot. For many moons everything proceeded with serene solitude and calm complacency, with not a sliver of disturbance to interrupt our friend's satisfying existence. He knew of little in the world beyond nutritional requirements and the means by which to obtain them. 

He enjoyed moving slowly, even though doing so meant inviting the frustration of many other slugs. They zipped about the grass, leaving shiny trails across the dewy morning pasture in an effort to reach a shared destination first. Many of the slugs formed and participated in communities in the process, relishing each others' company and spreading happiness and cookie recipes amongst one another. They were serene and complacent in their own way too, those other slugs - but Olpt opted not to join them.

They all thought Olpt was just another next-generation gamer nerd who spent every conceivable moment of available time getting high and drinking energy drinks and playing first person shooters with teams of preteens in India whose moms had NO clue what they were into at 3am, but this was not the case. Much of his time was spent perpetuating acts of vague self-destruction and laziness, yes, but at its core his life was one of meager but profound appreciation for the beauties of the world around him.

Did the other slugs momentarily withhold their endless daily races to gaze at the nearby trees and bask in awe at the miracle? Would a slug from the community ever wander away from the pack and approach him and express fascination that something so splendid and spectacular as he could exist in their shared reality? How many times would the other slugs be able to soak themselves in splendor on a Sunday morning without needing to be told?

"No," Olpt said to himself. "I'm not going to be like that. I'm going to find my own way." And with that, one day Olpt embarked on a great journey. Olpt ventured far across the lands, facing challenges and meeting wonders, examining leaves and laughing with slacker ants who were hiding out in squirrel stashes, trying not to be seen by the other workers. Olpt discovered many special and inspiring things on his journey, and then, before he knew it, there it was: the edge of the world. The parking lot.

With a deep breath, Olpt summoned the courage to cross the boundary. The humans' world. This was it.

Suddenly a great organic being skewered by religious brainwashing and torture techniques and unsure about the very value of each breath came shrieking out of the church and took up a position right over Olpt, and then iodized salt rained down from above and there was soulless unholy laughter in the skies and pain ripened to fury and then there was why and then there was nothing.

Olpt the slug went away forever, and the organic being started publishing all his old crap so he could get rid of it.

The end.

Reviews

[Brian Shepard]

Oh my my this is clever. You have me spitting out my tea I'm laughing so hard. Anthropomorphism at its best and most honest. I feel as if this should be part of a larger saga. I'd read it. Nice work.

[Otimbeaux]

Thank you! It's very Far Side....