Destiny

Most of my stories are connected in some way but this one is definitely more personal but I hope there's someone reading this that can relate and I hope that this can help you in a way.

Do you believe in destiny? I don't think that most people consider that maybe we do have different destinies. What if we do?

At the young age of 11 I was curious, innocent, full of joy and always hopeful. One day I used my mother's cellphone to play a game. When I opened her phone I found positive signs that lead me to think that she was an affair. As advanced as children are in the 21st century children understand an affair when they see one. I was lucky enough to be 11, some children go through things like this at a young age. Some go through it at an age where they haven't even gained the ability to talk or walk yet. Please parents, if you're having an affair then please try your best to keep it hidden from your children until they're mature enough to understand why some things just don't work out the way we want them to, the way we expect them to. Sometimes the divorce of a couple can be a child's first heartbreak

I can't blame my mother, it's not my problem to judge. I'm at the at the point in life now where I just find happiness in the happiness of others. Don't blame yourself mom, you did everything you could as your part as a wife and mother. At the age of 11 I blamed you for hurting the first man I ever loved, you hurt my father. I blamed you for the next 5 years of my life. I hated seeing the both of you fight. I hated the screaming, the slamming doors, and not having family dinners anymore. Holidays seemed different too. Where was the family I had before?

At the age of 12 I confronted you about your affair. You told me not to tell dad, you wanted me to be 18 before you filed for a divorce. I started acting up in school, I started distancing myself from my friends. Something I've become so used to. My hair changed, my clothes changed, and my body changed. I was reaching the point of puberty. I blamed you for not being there mom. I blamed you because you were so busy with your affair. At the age of 14 everything started going downhill, at the age of 14 you packed your things and moved out before Christmas. Christmas was something I loved, I loved putting up the tree with you and dad and talking about school and our future plans as a family. We didn't get to do that anymore after I confronted you, you became so cold.

At 14, I was a freshman in high school. My grades started dropping, I started skipping classes, I started going to parties. At a young age I was under the influence of older people. I loved parties, I loved staying at other people's houses after and not coming home to something that didn't feel like a home. You weren't there anymore, dad didn't even sleep in his bed anymore, he started staying up late. I read the letter he wrote asking for you to stay. You never took it with you. My heart was aching for him and I hated being there. I was too selfish to even be there for him and until this day that is one of my biggest regrets.

I was out of control, I was never in my state of mind. I turned to alcohol for a stress reliever, but the truth is alcohol doesn't relieve stress. The stress comes back two times more intense after the alcohol passes through. I needed more and I felt like I needed it all the time. My mom wasn't around anymore, she tried to reach out to me and once again I was selfish. I never gave her the chance to explain and thats another thing I'll always regret. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

At the end of my freshman year I achieved nothing. I failed every subject and I just didn't care enough. All I cared about was myself and then fun I needed to get away from my responsibility as a daughter and a student. My parents fought all the time even if they lived in different places. They fought because I was too ignorant to understand what I was doing to them. I was causing so much stress and so much pain. Imagine watching your daughter waste her life at such a young age? I can imagine now that it must have put them through a whole new level of pain and disappointment.

They wanted to send me away at the age of 15 and thats exactly what they did. They booked a ticket to the Philippines, the country my mother was born in. I had to adapt and I had to start a whole new life. I had to learn a different language, learn new customs, make new friends, and start a new year at a different school. My parents told me that I would change during my stay here. They told me that it would be good for me. At the time I didn't believe them, I just hated them even more for putting me in a position that I didn't want to be in.

My mother's sister was the person I had to look up to for help while my parents were still in America. I was depressed for a year but being here gave me time to think. I thought about all my mistakes and all my regrets and I learned from them. Later on in life I realized that nothing was ever their fault. My mother wasn't happy in her relationship with my father anymore and I can never blame her for that because we all deserve to be happy and that's something that she couldn't get in their marriage. People change and we can't expect when or why it happens but we have to adapt to changes just like how I had to adapt to my new life in a different country.

I made mistakes in the past but that's what makes me human. None of us are perfect and thats something that we should accept. I had to go through 4 years of living without seeing my parents. I got a call at least twice a month but I'm thankful for that. This is what was meant to happen to me, I needed this pain and these mistakes to help me grow. For those of you wondering, yes I'm still in the Philippines and I'm happier than ever. I've lost friends but I've made even better ones since then. I dropped out of my second semester and the semester after but now I'm a sophomore in college. I've been heartbroken but I've also found love. I've met someone who told me to put appreciation over possession and that's something that's changed me. That simple sentence is what has helped me grow even more within these past couple of months.

I never would have gotten here without my parents divorce. Thats the crazy part about life, we all have to go through hard times and I know it hurts like hell but learn from it. Just know that it's not over, there is something so much better in store for you and you just have to be patient and wait for that something to happen. Don't look for help in people who don't care about your well being and don't try to drown your sorrow in drugs or alcohol. Hang in there, it'll all be okay.

Breathe and learn to appreciate what you have and don't try to rush things just to get what you want. I helped myself whenever I needed help and just recently I started loving myself again and it's because I don't depend on other people to keep me happy, I don't drink, I don't go to parties, and I don't skip classes just to have a little bit of fun. I just had to wait years and years to find someone who has gone through just about the same amount of pain as I've been. So how would I have met him if I never went through the things I had to go through at the age of 11 to 14? We'll never know and we don't need to because everything falls into place with time.

For those of you who can relate to this please just live. Make a change for yourself, it doesn't have to be now or tomorrow or even within the next year. When you're ready and you feel like you can do something to make a change in your life then do it. Even if you don't know it yet, there's someone who cares about you and they need you to be strong for your own good.

I am publishing this because at the time that I was at my worse I never got to hear these words from someone. I'm publishing this because even though I don't know you, you should always keep in mind that there are so many of us going through something similar if not the same.