Time

This piece is a lot longer than usual. If some of you out there have read the content of my short stories, I hope that you can relate this to my past works.

Can I tell you something? Something I’ve never had the bravery to tell you to your face or even through a text or a simple chat.

 

I know how it’s like to feel like you’re worthless, just like you have no purpose or how it feels when you think that you have no one else in this world that will love you. I know because I’ve been there, not only with friends and not only with my family, but through relationships. I’ve been honest to you, I’ve had 9. You’ll get to know who the 9^th one is later, but for now you haven’t asked. You haven’t realized it yet and I want you to. I can’t tell you what happened between me and my last relationship because I’m scared that you won’t understand. We all need to know and understand the truth, sometimes it makes our lives harder but sometimes if times are hard the truth tends to shed a little light on this sad life that we live in.

 

In this case I know what the truth is, but do you?

It hurts for me to see you have a hard time just because you can’t see the truth. It may be clear to others but is it clear to you? You know who you are because you know how much of an impact you have on me. You don’t try to change yourself when you talk to me and you make me feel like someone actually cares for once. I don’t need to further explain this right now because I can save it for another time.

Time. It’s something that should be treasured but I’ve wasted the last decade of my life by chasing after things that don’t matter, things that I shouldn’t have been chasing after in the first place.

 

I hope that you can see this one day and realize just how much you mean to me, but this is just going to be kept as private for now so that I can let go of all my emotions. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who I first thought would be my last relationship. I never considered the fact that maybe he was too young for me, too immature or just too careless for me. I’ve been through so much in my life I just feel lonely all the time. I feel like someone might actually care when someone shows even a small amount of affection towards me. Our relationship lasted for 2 years and 7 months.

 

Sure, I know what everyone thinks “Wow 2 years and 7 months what happened”? Or “Maybe you guys can work it out”.

No, we can’t. I can’t let myself go through that kind of disappointment again. Why? I’ll just start from the beginning. I “fell in love” with him when I was just a freshman in college. I followed him around, texted and called him constantly and thought about him every second I had. But do I really know what love is? Is love wanting to be with someone every single second of the day, or is that just an obsession? Or maybe it’s just the result of being too desperate and selfish to want someone to spend all their time with you.

 

I hated the way I was with him, it made me wonder if I made the right decision. I had so many doubts in my mind after 3 months of being with him. I’ve never been in a 2 year relationship and that’s what meant so much to me…time.

 

Time meant so much to me that I deprived myself of my own needs. I choked myself to death and I was walking around in my own skin not even being able to think about what I wanted or what I needed. I didn’t matter. If I didn’t matter to myself then sure enough I didn’t matter to him. He never realized what I hid inside. He never realized just how hurt I was every time he lied to me, every time he left me behind without telling me. You see, I’ve been lied to so much in the past, I’ve been lied to so many times that I can’t even count. It’s just an endless number of lies. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt worthless or how many times I felt like crying and not moving a muscle. I felt weak and I’ve been weak so that’s exactly how I acted.

 

I never voiced out my opinion, well at least not one that mattered to someone else. I sat there thinking about how my life could be if I would have just waited for the right person to come along, but how do you know if that person is right for you or not if you haven’t even met him yet? You don’t, there is no possible way to know beforehand if someone is right for you or not. It’s impossible, you never know until you meet them. Until you first start talking, that first talk until midnight can change your whole life. It can make you think about things that you never thought about before.

 

Anyways, the time during my last relationship where I felt weak, I ignored that feeling. I pushed it aside because I know people can change. He didn’t change for me, he just got worse. Every day that passed he just got more and more disrespectful, he got more careless. Those days turned to months and those months turned to years. Then the next thing I knew, we approached the 2^nd year mark, nothing within him changed but something changed in me. I felt nothing, I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t feel sparks, I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel my face get hot or my heart pick up pace.

Our “relationship” was flat lining. It was dead. So why didn’t I break up with him?

I thought he was nice. I didn’t know that I had another choice. I tried breaking up with him but I couldn’t face the fact that I was scared of what would happen next. I was scared of the outcome, of all the family members asking why. I was scared to face the fact that I wasted 2 years on someone who didn’t love me, on someone who didn’t care enough to notice that I was in pain. Sometimes I wished that he would just cheat on me so that we could be over with.

 

I settled for someone who was okay but I also settled for someone who was nowhere near right for me. My classmates, my parents, and even my aunt told me that I had to do something. I didn’t listen I was too hurt, I was too caught up in wasted time. After a while I rejected my friends, I never went out with them and I never had fun. I depended on him and he knew it, but did he care? Did he even care to want to know my pain, I felt like he didn’t know me. I even felt like I didn’t know myself, I didn’t know what to do and I was stuck.

Do you know how it feels to be in a relationship without feelings? It feels like a huge weight piling on top of you, it feels like you’re drowning, it feels like prison. I couldn’t understand and I didn’t want to at that time. All those nights of crying and all those fights that never seem to improve our situation were worthless. It changed absolutely nothing.

 

Then someone came into my life that made a difference. I never realized it until that person helped me wake up from the dream I’ve been in for 2 years. It was a simple and innocent reply, I waited for that reply for almost a year, but time doesn’t matter, does it?

 

Time doesn’t care about us. Time doesn’t stop, it doesn’t slow down and it doesn’t speed up. Time keeps moving even in times where we feel like we’re stuck. It keeps going in times where we just want time to stop just so that we can think clearly. Your messages and gestures were small but do you know how much they mean to me? For someone like me who has never felt loved or cared for you made me want to change. I needed change, I needed to fix things in my life that I never even thought about fixing. I needed to fix myself, I needed to stop being so toxic to myself. I made my life harder and it HAD to stop. I started with my family and friends and then there was just one more person I had to take care of. I had to fix my last relationship.

 

I tried cutting off all contact with him and see if I could handle it, and guess what? It worked. I could finally stop chasing after him. For 2 years and 7 months I could stop chasing after someone who never chased after me. I decided to give him one last chance just to make sure that I was making the right decision.

 

He never texted me or called me or went after me. It’s like nothing changed between us but something changed within me. I was tired and I have grown tired for years now and I had to make it stop, I didn’t want to handle all the stress anymore, I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I needed friends, I needed to love myself and I needed to be loved for once.

After noticing that my last chance that I had given to him was wasted, I decided that I’ve had enough. I decided that I would never let him hurt me again, even if he didn’t know that I was hurting. It just showed that he didn’t care more than he did before and that he couldn’t care less than he ever has. I ended it, I ended something that I thought I could never end. I was imprisoned for years and now I feel free. I feel like someone else, I feel new and for the first time in years I feel genuinely happy.

 

I know all of this might be hard to take in, it was my decision that I would never be the one to tell you about what happened. I decided that I didn’t need to be the one to tell you that I’m no longer in a relationship. I don’t want you to think that I ended my last relationship just to be with you. No I didn’t, I ended my last relationship for ME so that I could be happy. I’ve moved on now and the only thing I feel now is happiness. If time is nice enough to bring us together then I want you to know that you’re the closest thing to perfect. You’re someone that everyone hopes for. You’re different and you helped me be normal again. You helped me take away every ounce of toxicity in my life, but you didn’t take it away because I’m the only person who can do that for myself, but you helped me get there. You already mean so much to me and I never want that to change. So I’m just hoping that time brings us together soon because time means nothing but character means everything and you have the character that I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I want to get to know you better, I want to know about every flaw and imperfection, every plan in life and every mistake in life. I want to get to know the good and the bad sides of you. Please don’t give up because as long as time keeps running I’ll never give up on you.

Reviews

[Tony Jordan]

I can see totally how this is related to the piece 'Appreciation' and the same people involved.
I dont think it was too long. It's lovely.
:)

[Ossicedia]

I love how you ended up reading Appreciation first and you're absolutely right both of these stories are about the same person, thank you for noticing. :)
I actually sent this to him the other day and it helped a lot

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the honest words and thoughts. Had the feel of a personal letter.
"I want to get to know you better, I want to know about every flaw and imperfection, every plan in life and every mistake in life. I want to get to know the good and the bad sides of you. Please don’t give up because as long as time keeps running I’ll never give up on you."
The above lines I liked. We need to know. Someone had concern and love for us. Thank you for sharing the amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote

[Ossicedia]

To be honest this definitely was intended for someone to read and this person is what helps me keep it together. I posted this here first hoping to get some feedback on it but I brought up enough courage to send it to him anyways. I really appreciate this review and thank you so much

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the story and you are welcome.