Meaning

                It’s almost 2AM and I’m sitting here in front of this monitor trying to place my thoughts onto a blank page inside a screen. Am I crazy? Maybe I’m just a little depressed, but does this make me seem like every other confused young adult in this world? No, honestly, it just doesn’t. Other young adults are determined and independent, while I’m just me. I’m no one special and I probably never will be, but I just want to know how it feels like to be special to someone else, to actually be something more than just another number in someone else’s list of contacts. I’m tired and I’ve grown tired for years now and all of it just seems empty.

                I don’t even know how to handle myself sometimes. If I wasn’t so scared than maybe I could just end things the way they are and just be at peace for once. My mind has been out of control and so have my actions. I honestly do not know what to do with my life. Sure, I’m a student and yes I do have friends, but sometimes I wonder if that’s even enough. I just don’t feel content with what I have and I never have been. What if I just want to be appreciated or what if I just want to hear the words “I’m so proud of you”. I guess I never really have done much to make anyone proud but it’s not really worth doing something important if the only person proud of you is yourself.

                When I think about why we were all put on this planet, I start to wonder if there even is a reason behind our existence. No one really knows and I guess no one even really cares. What if all of this is just a dream? What if we’re all under a simulation of another person’s life? What if the life we feel like we’re living isn’t even ours? In my situation, I really wish that this were true and that one day I would wake up from this simulation and go out and try to live a life that’s actually worth living. I don’t understand why people just fall for the act of me pretending to be happy. Is it so hard to see through a fake smile? Is it hard to notice the way I wander off once I look at a blank space? Or maybe I’m just used to pretending all the time that people actually believe that my happiness is actually real and that it actually means that my life is everything I’ve ever hoped that it would be.

                Well, “friends”, my life definitely isn’t boring. It’s a migraine, its rain on a perfectly sunny day, it’s something that you would never have the guts to tell your parents about, it’s a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I can’t go back through time and live my childhood over again, a time where I didn’t understand friendships, heartbreaks, disappointment, pain, regret, and hopelessness. I remember my parents telling me about how everyone thought that I was always a happy kid. I smile every chance I get, it’s something that I’m used to and that smile has gotten me through years of pain. It’s a disguise that’s become a costume that I’ve worn daily. It’s the only thing I have left, that gives my life a pinch of meaning.

Reviews

[Mel Jayne]

Interesting story. Dark, interesting. You are a very talented writer.
I have some suggestions: maybe change 'No, honestly, it just doesn’t.' To 'Honestly? It doesn't.' This might make more sense and hold more power with how concise it is.
Maybe in 'If I wasn’t so scared than maybe I could just end things the way they are and just be at peace for once.' change than to then or remove it completely, it's unnecessary to the sentence to make sense.
i also think that maybe you meant simulation instead of stimulation.
I really like the last paragraph it's very strong.

[Ossicedia]

Yes I am so sorry about all the mistakes in grammar and spelling this was the very first piece of work that I put on here and I just typed away without even double checking but thank you for the feedback and I'll be editing this soon and add in your advice!

[Coyote Poetry]

Great questions asked in the story.
" When I think about why we were all put on this planet, I start to wonder if there even is a reason behind our existence. No one really knows and I guess no one even really cares."
The above lines seem true. I believe if we lead with concern, kindness and love. We will find our proper place. Once I thought life was war and the highway. Today grandchildren taught me. I wasn't so important. What I leave behind is. Amazing poetry. You made the reader think. The goal of the writer.
Coyote

[Ossicedia]

I believe you are right what we do leave behind is important and thank you for sharing that with me. It's definitely something I've just come to realize

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[Sam]

Wow!!! I definitely enjoyed reading it. I liked the entire story, especially the end!

[Ossicedia]

Thank you so much I really appreciate the review :)