The Great Flood

Noah Rat must collect two of every type of insect.

Gods are known to be jokers. Let me tell you of one such occasion. One of the stories gods still tell at their heavenly parties. 

It seems there was this one deeply-religious rat. He was a woodworker, making outside toilets for both rodents and humans, a simple hard-working little guy. One day he was busily chewing a hole in a board to make a seat for some fat-butted human to sit on, when he heard a voice.

"Noah." It came out of the sky.

"Noah Rat." It repeated.

"What you want?" 

"Noah."

"What you want?"

"Noah."

"What the hell you want?"

"Noah."

"Hey, butthole. Can't you see I'm busy here."

"Noah."

"Screw you." 

"Noah, this is your Lord, the Supreme Rat."

"Sure. Sure it is. Get off it, Jack."

"No, really. It's me, your buddy, the Supreme Rat."

"So? Then prove it?"

"Remember that beautiful little squirrel, three nights ago? You know, when you couldn't get it u--"

"Hey! Sorry, Lord. That's good enough.  It's you. What you want, Lord?"  He put his electric drill down.

"I want you to build an ark, and to gather two of every insect,  just like in that other book."

"What about animals, Lord?"

"Another guy's got that covered, Noah. Don't worry about it."

"How do I get two insects, Lord? By the time I have them on board, there's gonna be zillions of the critters?"

"Easy, Noah. You only get the gay ones, the homosexuals."

"Let me get this straight, SR. You want me to search the world for homosexual insects?"

"Riiiiight."

"Then put them on a floating crapper? The only thing I know how to build is shithouses."

"Riiiiiight."

"What for? Wouldn't we be better off without the darn things?"

"The world needs insects, Noah. Trust me, I know."

"How the hell I do that? I make things out'a wood. I don't know nothing bout that collecting stuff?"

"Simple, Noah. I'll give you the needed skills....  All the money and pizzas you can eat."

"Well ... you're the boss, SR."

So Noah Rat spent years wandering the world, flying first-class all the way on the Supreme Rat's credit card. He put ads in newspapers, made television commercials, interviewed insects, and slowly got his cargo together.

It wasn't easy, since they kept dying on him and had to be replaced. He found he had to hire other rodents to help. A whole "out of the closet" industry was formed. Every pile of crap in the country was checked for gay simpering bugs and limp-winged flying insects. 

He lured the males in with pretty dresses and fancy little shoes. Noah even recruited sadistic houseflies to identify simpering little males for his cargo. He found he could hire pretty little female butterflies to lure butch bugs.

Meanwhile, the industrious rat had to build one gigantic five story outhouse that would float. All the other rats and rodents made fun of Noah and his efforts, complaining about the noise and the way their property values were going down. 

Finally, the sweating scratching rat finished his gigantic crapper and loaded it with squadrons of paired flying insects, dozens of swishing digging denizens and various pairs of happily fornicating lovers.  He carefully stored them on his vessel, males with males, females with females, along with a few bisexual buzzers of both sexes.  Stink-beetles stunk, flies flew, and dung-beetles dunged.

When the rains came, Noah himself jumped onto the now floating cruise-crapper. His wife and kids waved to him as it floated away. They refused to get on board, though, and he was left alone with myriads of partying homosexual insects. 

***

After forty days and forty nights of breaking up fights and shoveling seasick insect puke from his craft, Noah was exhausted, furry head dipping overboard to entice a couple of adventurous fleas to go back to their cage.

"Noah," came the now familiar voice.

"What the hell you want now? I did what you wanted. When we gonna get the hell off this thing?"

"Noah, take it easy. Since the insects will have to start multiplying again, I gotta make them straight."

"Jeez! What now, Lord?" 

"You can sit back and take it easy. The rain'll stop in a few days and things get back to normal."

"Thank God ... I mean you, SR."

Well, as gods can do pretty much what they want, the insects went from homo to mono and, with a loud "Whoop," began doing their thing. Noah cursed, scratched, cursed, bitched, scratched some more, stomped, whimpered �" and, of course, scratched. The floating crapper filled with crawling vermin and sailed in a haze of buzzing flying insects as they happily multiplied to again fill the earth. That poor rat almost went crazy before the rain and flooding stopped.

Finally, water retreated and the outhouse settled back to earth.  A grateful Noah Rat jumped out and ran through the mud. The insects also swarmed and otherwise lit out, to disperse across the land.

Noah stood on muddy ground, looking around at the devastation. Then he noticed a wisp of smoke in the distance. Plodding over a hill from his isolated valley, he saw that it came from a little house �" his old home? He ran all the way, to find his wife serving supper to the kiddies as he barged in.

"What the devil? What you doing here? I thought the Entire earth was to be flooded?"  Noah gasped out.

"Not here, honey. Only that valley you were in. Why did you spend a month and a half floating around with those bugs?"

The Supreme Rat, among a gaggle of other gods, looked down … and laughed.

By Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.