Stinkweenie

Oscar Rat learns to wear his rubbers on rainy days.

Stinkweenie

Oscar Rat learns a lesson, not to go out in the rain without his rubbers.

For you that don’t know by now, my name is Oscar Rat. I and my wife, the former Malodor Skunk, live down the hall from my pal Charlie, the human idiot.

Unfortunately, at the moment I have a sorta social disease.

I’ve been moping around all week. You see, it started with my wife Malodor's cousin, Spot. She’s a cute little chick with white spots all over her black fur. Malodor introduced us and warned me to keep away from Spot. But, to quote a poet Grandpa Elmer used to talk about, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

Spot being a good-looking dame, and me having a special liking for skunk women, I couldn’t resist. In retrospect, Grandpa Elmer’s old friend Willie Shakespeare was proven correct.

Malodor had to fly to Boston to visit her mother, leaving me alone with beauteous Spot. I poured us both drinks, and we became well ... acquainted.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" I asked her, sliding closer on the couch.

She looked at me with tender wide eyes, and intoned, sexily, “Wha’s at you say?”

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," I told the pretty cousin while resting a hand on her left hind leg and keeping one eye on her tail. The tail stayed limp. That’s one reason I like skunks. I can tell whether I’m impressing them or making them angry. A rising tail and I’d have run like hell.

“Uh, why you talkin’ like that? I ain’t no frickin’ rose?”

"To be like a rose or not to be like a rose, that is the question." I moved up against her, nuzzling an ear.

“Hey, Oscar, baby. I got a better idea. Why don’t we get it on while Malodor’s gone?”

With no more preamble, she jumped my bones and we got it on, all but the protection.

***

A couple of weeks later, I noticed bumps on my banana, so to speak. Stuff in my shorts followed. I washed, nay, scrubbed the hell out’a the pertinent parts. "A little water clears us of this deed; How easy is it, then!” Alas, they kept coming back.

It didn’t take long for Malodor to find out. How could I hide it from her? She became extremely angry, storming out of the apartment to run back to her mama. So, now I’m all alone, crying in my beer while dripping in my shorts.

This morning, Spot had the audacity to call me.

"Out, damned spot! Out, I say." I screamed at that Jezebel and slammed down the phone.

By Oscar Rat.

Now things are more screwed up than usual. I ain’t gonna die, but I wish I could. The doctor says I can’t even drink a beer until this clears up. I can only lament, "O never shall sun that morrow see.”

Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.

Reviews

[Wathanya.5KY3]

This was a short and very funny piece. Now hopefully Oscar learns to use protection, or -- even better -- not cheat on his wife!

I see you've "met" Samuel. He, like you, is a very good writer. If you read short stories, you should check his writings out, since he's got plenty.

[OscarRat]

Thanks for commenting, Samuel.
Oscar Rat is a longtime companion of mine with over 200 stories and one novel under his name. I think of him as a cross between Ralph Cramdon and Phil Silvers. He writes mostly rodent-oriented stories.

I'm the Charlie he often insults in his writing. I see you were in the navy. I served in the army during some of the same years, off and on between 1958 -- 1974, including Reserves. Although very sexually active when young, I was somehow immune to VD, never caught it.

[Samuel Dickens]

I love your sense of humor. I find this quite unique, imaginative and well written. For the rest of the day, I'll be humming Frank Zappa's "Why does it hurt when I pee?"