Alice Adams and the Funny Smokes. [YA]

Her school pusher out of regular cigs, Alice has to settle for homemade.

Little Alice Adams was glad to get home from school. She snuck in the back door though, since she carried a big plastic sack of cigarettes and cigars with her.  Alice didn’t want Aunt Ethel to see them.  She would wait until her aunt went to sleep before taking them to her friends in Wonderland.

Sneaking past the living room, where Aunt Ethel sat watching television, drinking gin, and yawning, Alice hurriedly put the sack under her own bed and went back out.

“I’m home, Aunt Ethel.” Alice went in again and sat on the couch with her legs crossed. 

“That’s nice, Alice.  How was school today?”

“Real interesting. We were studying the role of transcendental meditation during the presidency of George Washington.” 

“Oh, yeah  Good for you.” Her Aunt appeared confused.
 
“Bet you didn’t know Mr. Washington was into Yoga and naked mud baths, Aunt Ethel?”

“Of course I did. It’s just that we didn’t study that until the sixth grade,” her Aunt told her. “I’m glad you’re home, Alice. It’s time to take my nap.” Aunt Ethel got up, yawned again, scratched her butt and left the room.

Alice waited a few minutes to make certain, then went out to the back porch to see her bunny, Snowball.

“You ready, Snowball?” she asked the rabbit. “Let’s go see your kids, Billy and Billee.”

“Just a minute, I gotta make sure the other children drink their milk,” Snowball replied, going to the back of the big cage where the bunny brats were playing with a Gameboy.

While she was waiting,  Alice booted up her father’s computer.  It had a super-sized monitor that Alice used to go to Wonderland.  Retrieving her bag of smokes, she sat them by the keyboard.

Alice had, earlier, gotten the Wonderland folks addicted to tobacco and now had to keep them supplied. She hoped they liked the homemade ones she brought this time.  Her cigarette dealer, a kid that sold things like that near the school, said he was out of regular brand name smokes and only had the homemade ones left.

Alice then went back to the porch where Snowball was waiting, ready to go.  Earlier, Alice’s mother had made her get rid of some of Snowball’s kids.  She had taken Billy and Billee -- brother and sister -- to wonderland to stay with their father, Alfred the white rabbit.

Alice put Snowball on the table and climbed up, herself, clicking on the keyboard to bring a photo of Wonderland up.  Sticking her head in the monitor, she made certain a wooden platform built for her by the Spades stood ready on the other side, then climbed through the screen. Standing inside Wonderland, Alice reached back for Snowball and the smokes.

Snowball ran down the steps to chomp on the green grass of the lawn while Alice looked around from the high platform, to see what she could see or was it saw?  Seeing and sawing seemed the same to Alice, who wondered why they were two words instead of one.

She could saw the three of hearts and five of clubs working on a gasoline powered lawnmower. They had the thing torn apart and were arguing about something.  Alice and Snowball went over to see what was wrong.

“It won’t work, Alice,” five of clubs told her, almost in tears. “This idiot peed in the gas tank, now it won’t work.”

“The Queen would cut off my head if I did it on the grass,” three of hearts explained. “That was the only place I could think of.”

“She’ll cut it off anyway if we don’t get this mowed.”

“Maybe if we let it settle, we can dump the pee out of the top?”

“But what if it’s on the bottom?” 

Alice could see a gas can sitting on the ground near them, also an empty can lying on its side next to the first. She went over to the mower, put the empty can under the gas tank and drained the whole thing. 

“Now put the mower back together again, if you can, and blow out the gas line, that metal tube there,” Alice told them. “After that, fill it up from this gas can. You can take the icky stuff back and dump it later.”

“Thank you Alice, you’re so smart. I wish I went to school so I would know that stuff,” three of hearts told her.

“Now I gotta pee,” five of clubs said, looking silly.

“Here, you want some cigarettes?” Alice asked. She gave them both a handful of homemade cigarettes and she and Snowball left to find Alfred the white rabbit.

Alfred’s house was just inside a cool forest at the edge of the forest. Being a busy bunny, he was out being busy, but Billee was home.

“Mama!” She hugged her mother. Billee had been busy cleaning the cottage.

“Where’s your brother?” Snowball asked over a cup of tea, after Bennie the dormouse climbed out of the pot to join them.  He often did that, slept in tea pots, you know?

Drinking tea with the dormouse was a complex thing to do. Every five minutes he would yell, “Change places.” And they had to shift to the right. Since Alfred only had three chairs at his table, that meant someone had to stand.

“How do you like it here with your daddy, Billee?” Snowball asked, fluffing her child's ears.

“Oh, it’s fun, and much work,” Billee answered. “Daddy entertains a lot and makes such a mess.”

“Change places,” the dormouse cried.

“A lot of girls come here, I’ll bet?” Snowball sniffed, changing places. She sipped Billee’s tea which had too much butter in it. Good butter, but just too much.

“Not since me and Billy moved in.  I won’t let him.” Billee frowned. “Now him and Billy spend a lot of time in that big house on the hill, playing cards they say.  The girls that live there must really like to play cards.”

“I brought him some cigarettes.” Alice put a handful on the table. “I hope he likes homemade ones, cause that’s all I could get.  And you leave them alone.  You’re too young to smoke.”

Their next stop was at the castle of the Red Queen.  She was watching the Simpson's on television when they got there.  The Queen was also drinking a glass of that nice juice Alice liked, the kind that made her feel giddy and lightheaded.

“Hi, Alice.  Haven’t seen you for awhile, Snowball. You girls want some, uh, juice?”

“Yes, thank you, your Majesty,” Alice answered for them both. She gave the Queen some of her cigarettes and the three sat drinking juice and watching television.

“You better watch that boyfriend of yours, Snowball,” the Red Queen told her. “He’s a bad example for your son, taking him to that cathouse and all.”  She shook her royal head.  “Cats and bunnies shouldn’t mix ... especially girl pussycats.”

“Bunnies must be bunnies, your Majesty.” Snowball sighed. “And I guess if Billy’s old enough to move out on his own, he can do what he wants.  And that philanderer Alfred is not my boyfriend.  He’s my husband.”

Alice noticed a tear in Snowball’s eye as she said it.  Must be all that juice, Alice decided, since she was feeling a little weepy herself.

“Well, we better be going, your Majesty. I have a lot of smokes to deliver yet, before my parents get home from work.”

“Glad to see you both.  Stop in on your next trip.” The Queen waved one royal hand in dismissal.

The girls were a little unsteady as they left the castle in search of the White Knight and Gargie the dragon.

The two had barely reentered the forest before being confronted by two rolly-polly boys wearing cardboard armor and waving wooden swords.

“Your money or your chastity,” one of them cried, hopping around them in circles. The two girls had only to stand there until the Tweedles became dizzy and fell over, one on top of the other, in a heap.

“Told you. Told you. One should run clockwise, the other counterclockwise,” came a cry from atop a nearby wall.  It was Humpty-Dumpty, in a fine mood on such a sunny day.  He enjoyed the heat and being sunny-side up.

“Hi there, Humpty. See you haven’t fallen off again.” Snowball grinned, going over to pat him on the leg, causing him to wobble. While she was doing that, Alice helped the Tweedles unpile.

“It’s your fault, clumsy,” Tweedle Dum accused his brother. “You were supposed to go clockwise.”

“No I wasn’t, you were,” Tweedle Dee replied, then whispered to Alice, “Which way is clockwise, anyway?”

“Duel. Duel. We have to fight a duel,” Tweedle Dum cried, and the two took to swinging their wooden swords at each other, dull blades thumping on cardboard armor while Humpty screamed encouragement.  The two girls kinda sidled off unnoticed, Alice leaving a few smokes on the wall next to Humpty. He was an adult egg.

They found the White Knight and Gargie the dragon drinking wine in Gargie’s cave. They were exchanging war stories.  Both had a great deal of them to tell, although neither had ever been in a real war.  They had seen a lot of John Wayne movies, though.

“I had a knight shoot me with one'a them blunderbuss things once,” Gargie told him. “The little thingie just bounced off.”

“Not from my .50cal sub-machine gun though.  That would sting a little,” the White Knight assured the dragon, shyly. “Though I’d never shoot you with it, Gargie.  It is real good for hunting rabbi....  Oops, didn’t see you there, Snowball.” The White Knight turned white as a sheet while Snowball glared at him.

“Don’t worry, Snowball.  He doesn’t really hunt rabbits.  He’s even scared of your son, Billy,”   the dragon said, calling Snowball over and whispering in her ear. “And the gun is nothing but a stick. He’s also afraid of guns.”

“I still think it’s mean to even think of shooting things.”  Snowball ran over and kicked the White Knight on his armored leg. “Don’t you dare give him any cigarettes, Alice.”

“I have cigars for you, Mr. Gargie.” Alice passed a box of cigars over to the dragon.  He had been the only smoker in wonderland before Alice started bringing them in, and Gargie sorely missed cigars with his wine.

“Thank you, Alice, and the White Knight was only kidding, girls. Him and Billy often play together.”

“Yeah, he probably plays at hunting Billy,” angry Snowball spat out, looking around. The embarrassed knight was nowhere to be found.

“Oh, no!  The Knight is teaching him to use a cardboard sword.  There’s a skill to it, you know? And Billy often wins.”

“Well, you can give him some, I guess, Alice.  But let’s spit on them first, for good luck, ha-ha.” Snowball wasn’t as angry as before.

“You girls want a glass of wine before you go?” Gargie asked.

“Better not.  I shouldn’t drink alcohol, and we really have to be getting home,”  Alice told him. The girls said goodbye and left.

On the way back, they saw Humpty, still on his wall, but tied on by the Tweedles.  He was bobbing around like a yoyo -- with a homemade cigarette in his round face.

“Wheeeeeee!  Hellofagood smokieeees,  Alice, babe,” Humpty slurred while the Tweedles gave her silly smiles, lost in a Wonderland of their own.

The girls looked at each other and shrugged.  That was strange.  But, then, a lot of things in Wonderland were strange.  They continued, deciding there should be enough time to see if Billy and Alfred had made it home yet.

Alfred was home, but not Billy.  The rabbit was smoking one of the handmade cigarettes and in an extremely good mood -- a very good mood indeed. He was dancing an Irish Jig on the table while Billee swatted at him with a broom.

“Stop that, Daddy,” she admonished, taking a swing, which he deftly avoided.  “You’ll fall off on your head before I can knock you off on your tail.” 

Well, Alice thought, two discombobulated rabbits in only one day?  Billee saw her mother and Alice and stopped, putting the broom down. Seeing Snowball, Alfred jumped off the table and hugged her.

“Snowball, honey. Glad to see you.  Let’s get it on, baby.”  He grinned a funny grin, lighting another of the cigarettes. “And, Alice. The Red Queen wants to see you. She wants to cut off your head for giving her subjects these smokes.  The entire card deck is running around playing card games and won’t go back to work.”  He grinned, taking a long toke, “The smokes are making them crazy.  Lucky I can handle it.”  He took another puff and sank -- senseless -- to the floor.

Alice and Snowball agreed that they better get out of there before the Red Queen saw them. As Alice climbed into the back of her father’s monitor, she looked back to see an angry Red Queen leading an unsteady charge of staggering cards across the lawn toward them.  No more of them homemade cigarettes, she decided, then and there and forever.

The End.
Oscar Rat