Rocky Rat and the Easter Bunny

Rocky is the only rodent detective on the Chicago Police force. The Easter Bunny has been arrested on a morals issue.

Rocky Rat, here, the only rodent detective sergeant in the Chicago Police Department. I got another story for you....

I was tired that night, only wishing to go home and have a brew. Just as I turned off my computer and stood up to stretch, a human head poked into my office, blocking the light from the hallway.

“Rocky,” Sergeant McNutt, the desk sergeant, told me, “we have something for you.”

“Can't it wait until morning, Jim.”

“Pro'ly not. It's sorta a ... 'mergency.”

“Emergency?  What kind?”

“You ain't a gonna believe it, Rat.”

Since he had to hurry back to his desk in the lobby, I rode on his shoulder.

On McNutt's desk there was a cage holding a large white rabbit. As the bunny saw me, he sort of shriveled in embarrassment, looking down at the floor of the cage.

“This is Billy Bunny, Rocky,” Jim said, smiling and, shaking his head, continued with, “also known as the Easter Bunny.”

I let out a sigh. It looked like my night sitting by the fire with a cold brew was ruined, maybe the entire weekend. After all, it was the week before Easter and I had the Easter Bunny in a cage.

“What's he charged with, Jim?”

“Stealin' women's underwear. Billy here is accused of stealin' underwear durin' last year's Egg deliveries.”

I looked down at the cage, seeing the tops of two shy reddish eyes looking back at me from a bowed head, floppy ears drooping.

Damn.

“Can you take us back up to my office, jim? I better see if I can get him released by this weekend. Millions of kids will be disappointed if they don't get them damned colored eggs.”

“Hey, Jenkins,” McNutt yelled across the room to where a burly patrolman was getting a cup of coffee from a machine. “Take this rabbit up to Rocky's room, will ya?”

***

Well, a few minutes later I was back at my desk, waiting for the computer -- still warm -- to boot up. Billy Bunny, a.k.a. The Easter Bunny, sat across my desk, wearing paw-irons. 

He sat quietly, still looking downward, unable to meet my stern gaze.

“Human women's underwear? What the hell you want with them, Billy boy?”

“I didn't do it, pig,” he muttered softly, then giggled.

We sat in silence until the computer came up. I checked the arrest record.

There had been an anonymous phone tip that morning. A human detective, recognizing the need to hurry before the holiday, had taken a mouse SWAT squad along and raided Billy's apartment. One room was filled with hundreds of the aforesaid undergarments. According to the official arrest report, they were a real assortment, new, used, clean, soiled, everything from mouse to moose garments, even a few dozen pairs of human stockings and panties.

Being the only rodent detective on the Job, I got the case. Damn.

Sitting back in my chair, rear legs propped onto the desk, I asked, “I suppose you have records of purchasing the ... uh ... merchandise?”

He shook his head.

“Why?”

“I dunno'. I just like to look at them ... and feel the silk, is all.”

“Bunny ... Don't you think that's a little sick?”

“I dunno'.”

“Most rabbits don't collect those things.”

We sat a few more minutes, silently thinking our own thoughts.

“Look, Billy. Where did you get that stuff, really.”

“I bought most of it,” he told me, finally daring to look up at me, but still not meeting my eyes. “I don't steal nothing. I'm an honest rabbit.”

“Even the dirty, worn, stuff?” I asked.

“Uh, huh. Over the Internet. You go to this site, and they advertise used underwear.”

“You go to that site, not me,” I replied, shuddering.

“Well, yeah.”

“Why, Billy, Why?”

“I dunno'.”

I shook my head again.

“What do you mean by saying you bought 'most of it'?”

“I got some from my sisters and cousins.”

“Do they know you have it?”

“I dunno'.”

“It says here that we received an anonymous phone call. Who else knows you have these, uh, garments? Someone made that call. Probably someone who doesn't like you.”

“Well, I did show the Tooth Fairy once. He was over to my place and we were ... well, we were smoking a little grass.” Billy got a funny look on his face. “We had a fight. I think he has a crush on me.”

I wanted to know who had told on him. After all, he was presumed innocent unless we could prove he stole the ... things. I would hate to have to bring it to a judge. Imagine the effect on all those little kiddies around the world, and the mothers that wouldn't let their children touch Easter Eggs dropped off by a pervert.

“Are you married, Billy?”

“Uh, uh. I'm too shy to talk to women. That's why I took this job when, Jerome, my cousin, retired.  I sit alone in a room most of the year, coloring eggs while watching pornographic movies. Then only have to go out once a year to deliver them -- at night.

Well, I thought, if nobody stepped forward to prove he stole them, there wasn't really any case against the rabbit. It would be filed away and I could investigate it later.  But what could I do, as a caring rat, to help the guy? Maybe put an end to his fetish?

“Are you religious, Billy? Do you go to church?”

“Uh, uh. There are strangers there. I don't like to be around strange people.”

So that was out. I couldn't pass the problem off to a priest or preacher.

“Can I get out of here? I wanna go home.”

“You'll have to stay, at least tonight until I can see a judge. But I don't think you can be charged. That's up to the judge.”

Non-humans have different procedures in the Chicago Police Department. I could see Judge Oliver O. Owl in the morning before he left for the day. Maybe, I thought, I could arrange something that would keep it out of the news media? I didn't want to be responsible for ruining a national holiday.

“Can I stay here, Officer? Please? I don't want to be in one of those 'tank' things with all those other people. I'd go crazy.”

“I suppose you'd be alright caged here in my office. I can have food and drink sent up.”

“Clo ... Close the door, please?” he asked as I left.

On the way home, I stopped off at the police cafeteria to arrange for sustenance for the rabbit. I figured I'd probably be up half the night, trying to think of a solution. If I didn't think of something, my own career might go down the drain along with his. The Department is very political. Screwing up Easter certainly wouldn't help me at promotion time.

As I entered the cafeteria to talk to the night manager, Mrs. Adams, I saw a quick flash of white as someone dodged through a door. All I could see clearly was a fluffy white ball of fur.

I knew who it was. Fluffy the Ghost, we call her. Fluffy is a female rabbit, the shyest I've ever seen. She washes dishes and cleans up the kitchen at night.

That did give me an idea.

I talked to Mrs. Adams and arranged for a lettuce and carrot plate to be sent up to Billy. I also talked Mrs. Adams into letting cute little Fluffy off work for a few days, to work for me instead. I hoped I could put it on my expense account. If not, I'd have to pay her myself.

Then I asked to talk to Fluffy.

She met with me at the back of the kitchen over a cup of tea. I don't care much for tea … least without a shot of Jim Beam in it, but Mrs. Adams suggested it to calm shy Fluffy. Also that the bunny would feel safer if she could see the cooks working across the room.

“... so all I want is for you to spend time this weekend with a lonely bunny. One that might be in trouble with the law,” I told the female rabbit. “He's lonely and scared, all alone in my empty office.” I laid it on thick. Also that she'd be well paid to do it. I didn't make detective in a large police department without knowing something about rabbit nature.

“I'm scared too, Officer. I'd like to help, but I'm frightened of those criminals. Did he kill someone?”

“Nothing like that. Something simple and we'll probably drop the charges later.” I paused. “And he's locked up in a cage and can't hurt you.”

“Well, I guess so.  It's easier than mopping floors.”

I told her to take the food up and stay with Billy, to comfort him, figuring rabbit nature would take its course.

***

In the morning, I stayed out of my office as long as I could, going to visit Judge Oliver O. Owl instead.

“You are correct, Detective Rat,” Judge Owl told me. “Without collaborating testimony or any other evidence, only an anonymous phone call and possession of legitimate objects, we can't charge him. And, oh my god, imagine the publicity.” The judge pondered a minute, then continued, “See if you can get him to get rid of that stuff.  Dump it in the back yard at that human Old Pervert's Home.  It'll disappear in an instant.”

“I'm working on it, Sir.”

“I don't know about you, detective, but I'm not eating any more Easter Eggs.” He shook his feathery head and dismissed me.

***

When I returned to my office, I walked in and saw Billy, looking somewhat agitated.

“Officer Rat. Officer Rat. Can I call a lawyer or shovel water or something. I have to get out of here.”

“You mean 'post bail'?”

“Whatever. But I have to get out. I'm already behind one day and night on my coloring job.”

“I can let you out, but why the hurry?”

“I told you, I'm behind and Tanya wants to come over to help me catch up.”

“Who's Tanya? You didn't tell me you had a girl friend. Maybe she's the one that told us about you?”

“No,” he shook his head violently, ears flapping softly against the bars of the cage in his agitation, “I only met her last night. I told her my job and that I was behind. Now she wants to come over today to help me. And ... And ... yes, and I have to clean my apartment first, and get rid of some things before she sees them.”

“You mean your 'collection'?”

He nodded his head, finally looking up at my eyes.

***

I woke early on Sunday morning, wanting to take my girlfriend to the beach. Guess what, I found a huge basket of Easter Eggs outside my front door.

I gave them to neighbor kids. I didn't feel like eating eggs that morning.

Your buddy and public servant, 
Rocky Rat (As told to Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.)

Reviews

[Wathanya.5KY3]

As someone who likes animals, I find stories of humans and animals co-existing in modern society very enjoyable, like yours, coupled with your distinct writing voice.

There were a few extra spaces between words and sentences, but I'm too tired to point those out; so I'll just point out some typos and formatting issues. (We have a local Lord of Formatting here at Writer's Cafe, and they mess everyone's formatting once in a while.)

1. “You ain't a gonna believe it, Rat.”

- there's an extra word, "a," here

2. “Can you take us back up to my office, jim?

- jim => Jim

3. “I didn't do it, pig,” he muttered softly, then giggled.

- just wondering why "pig" wasn't capitalized although, in the beginning of the story, "Rat" was

4. Being the only rodent detective on the Job, I got the case.

- Job => job (?)

5. “Uh, uh. I'm too shy to talk to women. That's why I took this job when, Jerome, my cousin, retired. I sit alone in a room most of the year, coloring eggs while watching pornographic movies. Then only have to go out once a year to deliver them -- at night.

- no closing quotation marks

6. “Who's Tanya? You didn't tell me you had a girl friend. Maybe she's the one that told us about you?”

- girl friend => girlfriend (?)

7. All of your opening quotation marks are ruined by the Lord of Formatting. To fix this, select everything when editing your work and choose your preferred format and font size and republish it.

8. To find all the extra spaces, use Ctrl + F and press the space bar twice.

[OscarRat]

First off, thanks for the critique. That’s the reason I post on these sites.

As someone who likes animals, I find stories of humans and animals co-existing in modern society very enjoyable, like yours, coupled with your distinct writing voice.
*** When tired of working on serious novels and stories, I change pace by writing for one of several anamorphic series. One of them is about Rocky Rat’s police career. I’ve also got an Alice in Wonderland series going, as well as one about a friendly demon banished to Earth. Actually, when at one time writing fast and furious, I decided to try writing under two names. Oscar Rat was created. Right now, he has over 200 stories and a novel under his own name, all anamorphic.

There were a few extra spaces between words and sentences, but I'm too tired to point those out; so I'll just point out some typos and formatting issues.
*** Extra spaces are something I don’t worry about unless preparing a story for a publisher. They’re easy to correct with Search & Replace and others will be sure to creep in later.

1. “You ain't a gonna believe it, Rat.”
- there's an extra word, "a," here
*** On purpose. Although I believe in the King’s English and correct grammar in narration, almost anything goes in dialogue. Few people consistently speak in proper English. Neither do my characters.

2. “Can you take us back up to my office, jim?
- jim => Jim
*** You got me.

3. “I didn't do it, pig,” he muttered softly, then giggled.
- just wondering why "pig" wasn't capitalized although, in the beginning of the story, "Rat" was
*** Rat is Rocky’s last name, pig is more generic for all police officers.

4. Being the only rodent detective on the Job, I got the case.
- Job => job (?)
*** That is police talk.

5. “Uh, uh. I'm too shy to talk to women. That's why I took this job when, Jerome, my cousin, retired. I sit alone in a room most of the year, coloring eggs while watching pornographic movies. Then only have to go out once a year to deliver them -- at night.
- no closing quotation marks
*** Got me there.

6. “Who's Tanya? You didn't tell me you had a girl friend. Maybe she's the one that told us about you?”
- girl friend => girlfriend (?)
*** Could go either way, though your’s is better.

7. All of your opening quotation marks are ruined by the Lord of Formatting. To fix this, select everything when editing your work and choose your preferred format and font size and republish it.
*** I did and it comes out perfect on my monitor. I always choose Courier New and 20 pnt. On my computer, I Cut&Paste to an empty .txt page, save, then bring up again. Then I change to Century Schoolbook 13 font before copying there and pasting here.

8. To find all the extra spaces, use Ctrl + F and press the space bar twice.
*** I’ll have to try that.

Thanks again,
Oscar Rat (actually a human named Charlie) Ya’see, recently I found this site and joined as Oscar Rat. It was only later that I found I’d registered ten years ago as hvysmker. So far, I’ve managed to post and crit as both.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

1. I see. I also allow my characters to use whatever in dialogue and their inner monologues. Though, even with the anything-goes-in-dialogue mindset, that "a" stood out to me.

3. Ah, I didn't realize Rat was Rocky's last name. It makes sense now.

4. Hence the unsure question mark

6. Again, hence the unsure question mark. I decided to point it out since Billy used "girlfriend."

7. Interesting. Your opening quotation marks are all half the size of everything else on my monitor.

8. Search&Replace works perfectly for editing. I only use Search&Find on this website.

Haha I almost did that too, I was just lucky to remember my old password.