Dangerous minds

Dr. Robert Chilton is a highly experienced criminal psychologist who specialises in getting into the minds of dangerous criminals.. But he has never encountered any quite like mr Murphy.

"You sure you're ready for this? Have you read his files?" "20 times over" doctor Chilton replied "Don't worry, I know what I'm getting in to" "I hope so." he replied gravely. "Just don't let him inside your head, if he's in there he can hurt you, he can do more damage than any thug with a gun." Doctor Chilton tucked his clipboard firmly under his shoulder and nodded. "Open it up" The guard stuck his key in the door and opened it just wide enough for doctor Chilton to step through then closed it swiftly behind him. The door swung shut with an ominous creak.
Robert Chilton shuffled down the blank white hallway, listening to the muffled screams from behind each of the doorways. He noted the mould growing from the various stains spread carelessly around the hallway. Like shadows, clinging to the ceiling and walls. As he nervously made his way down a sudden bang to the left made him jump with shock. His blood chilled as he looked to the source of the noise, bloodshot eyes stated at him through the small slot in the cell door. Deep green eyes with streaks of red running from the pupils to his eyelids, he moved his mouth to the hole and displayed his 6 remaining yellow teeth and began to grimace and chomp aggressively. Drooling and snarling like a rabid dog. From the muffled screams he could make out some of the words. "I'll eat your eyes, c**t"... "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry" "F*****G S**T-EATER I'LL DEVOUR YOU." he kept walking, largely un-phased by the abuse he was receiving. He had learned to block out the insults, they had become like white-noise. After a million psychopaths tell you what they're going to do from their inescapable cells it loses all meaning. He walked by many other cells with equally horrendous occupants, one of them smearing his waste over the window of his cell. "It'll be at least a month until someone decides to clean that s**t up" doctor Chilton thought to himself, These people are considered beyond saving to most.. But someone has to try.
He saw an old prison guard standing by the door of the final cell at the bottom of the corridor. He looked to the doctor sadly and with a heavy sigh he began to open the door. It was heavily padlocked and number coded. The heavy iron doors were messily cobwebbed and rusted, they clearly were not opened very often. The hatch on the door was the only thing ever used. One tube for water and one for food.
He took one last glance at the files of his assigned patient; Mr Humphrey Johnson. Age: 52. Occupation: unemployed. Family: unknown. I.Q: estimated to be over 130, in the top 10% of the country. Criminal record: confessed to 12 murders previously suspected to be suicides. Victim of 4 assaults. Arrested for manslaughter.
Doctor Chilton remembered that case, it was one of his case studies for his law degree. Johnson's lawyer pleaded self defence because a man tried to assault his client in a library and Johnson had retaliated. But the judge found that the self defence was un-reasonable, doctor Chilton agreed with the verdict considering he had bitten through the mans neck and almost decapitated him before proceeding to bite off his lips and tongue. Later when asked why he felt the last step was neccessary, he said, "an uncultured ape like you wouldn't possibly understand"
His ego wouldn't even let him demean himself to explain his actions, he believes himself too complex for mere mortal minds to understand and feels what he has done is almost like art and explaining it would somehow diminish the impact of it dr chilton noted. This would be challenging.
He had been locked up for 3 years in solitary confinement until his lawyer decided to plea for his insanity and have him moved from a high security prison to a mental disability asylum, where he is afforded the right to therapy, by law. Doctor Chilton was alright with this. By his reckoning everyone deserved help, this man was sick and needed treatment and it wouldn't hurt him to try. Anyway even if this man was untreatable he still got his paycheck at the end of the month.
The door inched open enough to let doctor Chilton through and he cautiously stepped through and made sure the security guard firmly shut the door behind him. He looked forward to address his patient and saw his serpent-like eyes staring back at him.
He looked significantly older than he did in his files. His years of imprisonment had left faded wrinkles under his eyes and across his brow and he had a gauntness in his cheeks from years of malnourishment. His short hair had faded in parts and had a grey tinge all around and he had a rough growth of stubble along his hard jaw. But his eyes still looked youthful as they must have always done. There was a sparkle and a glee in them, almost playful, flirtatious even. His narrow mouth curled up into a one-sided grin as he saw doctor Chilton approach. "Would you give me the courtesy of providing your name... doctor?" He observed Chilton with a certain curiosity, like a child with a new toy. His hands were both handcuffed firmly to the table and he slouched lazily on a metal chair, looking oddly at ease in his surroundings. Another empty seat sat opposite, a metal table stood between them. Doctor Chilton sat down and rested his clipboard carefully on the table and spoke slowly and clearly."I am doctor Robert Chilton, I understand that you are Mr Humphrey Johnson. I will be your therapist for the foreseeable future" "ahhhhh.. A therapist is it?" He chuckled quietly to himself, "so they believe I am insane then? A psychopath? A monster who needs to be exorsised of the demons within him to be able to be reborn and live again among the arbitrary rules that society has chosen for us men and.." "Yes, the board has ruled you insane and in need of therapy" Chilton cut in as he saw this rant was utter nonsense that wouldn't provide any progress. That was his first error. One of the first things Chilton noted about his patient was his manner of speaking. He spoke slowly, but not hesitantly slow, deliberately slow. Like he chose each and every word deliberately and each word held great importance and should be pondered. He often left long pauses. Not because he was unsure of what to say, but more for dramatic effect. He almost acted as if he believed his life was one large pantomime he was the star of. Mr Johnson stared daggers at him. "Doctor, doctor.. How utterly horrendously rude of you to interrupt me while I am speaking. I believe courtesy to be the most important trait for a man to have. I greatly dislike rudeness. Do you truly think so little of me as to not even value my thoughts worth hearing? I wonder which one of truly needs treatment here.." "this f****r talks far too much for my liking and none of it comforting", thought Chilton. But he supposed that's what happens when you have no one but yourself for company for the space of years. Either you cannot find the words to speak again when someone re-enters or you can't seem to find enough.
But still, the fact remained; he was to treat this man whatever that may entail. Chilton put on his best fake, friend-making smile and continued "my sincerest apologies mr Johnson, that was highly improper of me. Now, I understand your original sentencing was for.. Manslaughter was it not?" Chilton spotted a small twinge of annoyance run through mr Johnson's face "ah yes.. Nasty business that. You see I have told you earlier that I dislike rudeness and well" he chuckled almost self consciously but Chilton knew it to be put on, this man suffered from no insecurities. "Now that man.. He was... Particularly rude." "Is that why you bit off his lips and his tongue? So he couldn't be rude anymore?" "Ahhhh.. You see! I knew people would come to understand. It is not simply enough to kill a man such as that.. The world must be shown for what it is he died, and why it was he needed to be destroyed." "What did this man do that you found so offensive?" Chilton pried, happy to be making any form of progress with this maniac. "Ah now that will be saved for when I feel you deserve it doctor Chilton. Now.. Enough about me, I want to hear about you.." "I don't find it helpful to discuss personal details with patients" "ah, doctor.. Patient.. We need not be confined by such restricting labels, let's just imagine we're two old friends sitting together in a park. Reminiscing over times past.. Tell me doctor, do you have a family?" Chilton did his best to keep complete composure and a straight face but the slight twitch in his eyebrow did not go unnoticed by mr Johnson, very little did. "Don't worry about it doctor, it happens to the best of us.. 50% of all marriages end in divorce" chiltons heart began racing, how the f**k did he.. "Please doctor I saw the mark around your finger the second you walked in, tan lines around that finger can only ever mean one thing.. All too common, I am sorry for your troubles.. Tell me, what was it that caused it? Money?.. Kids?.. Another woman?... Another man?..." Chilton felt a twinge of anger run up his spine and into his head and it began to throb painfully until he took a deep breath and it subsided " I don't feel that this is appropriate for your therapy sessions" "oh but I do doctor.. How about I make you an offer, you tell me something about you and I will share something about me, for a friendship to develop we must have a mutual... Understanding" "I think that's quite enough for today." chilton said. He was required to make his introductions and he did just that. He needed some rest and a new tactic before he probed this man again. "I will come back when you are feeling more open about your own issues" "oh doctor, but we were only getting started and I was just getting to know you.. Alright well come back soon and we can talk about your children." After that, chilton exited as quickly as his legs could bring him.

Chilton sat alone at his desk, his clipboard open on page 4 of the dossier of mr Humphrey Johnson. The only pages they had been opened on as of late. He read the details of each of his murders for the 5th time tonight, hoping for some glimmer of a motive or reasoning for the deaths. In all 12 cases no links were found between the victim and the murderer. Each of them were believed to be suicides before out of nowhere mr Johnson confessed to all of them following his arrest for manslaughter.
The victims had all died in various ways, all of them appearing as suicides. Nothing linked them together except a common thread between them. Rather suspiciously, none of them wrote a suicide note.
Chilton examined the pages furiously looking for something to link the people to the murderer.. Anything. And all the while one thought was rotating round and round his brain in infurirating circles
"How the f**k did he know about the kids?"
Chilton looked nervously down at his watch, biding his time.. It had been 4 days since his first visit to see mr Johnson. He had been on 3 subsequent visits every day but his patient had been detached and uninterested. He had ignored Chilton's attempts at starting any form of conversation regarding his past and gave monosyllabic answers if any at all. Chilton wanted to help this man but there was little he could do if he wouldn't speak to him. He needed a new angle. He had thought of something but the risks were heavy. He had weighed the pros and the cons every sleepless night but today he had committed to it. To get into this mans head, he would need to let him into his own, or appear to at least.
He nodded to the guard to let him in and he swiftly unbolted the door. Chilton strided in, showing no indication of his inner turmoil and self-doubt. He sat down swiftly and purposefully before looking his patient dead in the eyes. He saw those youthful, mischievous eyes glare back at him and was once again full of doubt. He pushed it down and pressed his hands to the table. "I have considered your proposition" johnsons eyes lit up at this, sensing and end to the monotony of the last few sessions and seeing an opportunity for a bit more fun "whatever could you mean doctor?" He said with a sideways grin. His manner was beginning to grate on Chilton quite aggressively. He acted the idiot while his manner screamed superiority and condescension with his every word and movement. he looked to all other people with vague amusement and little interest as if only he was worth listening to and all others were mere distractions. Yet he expected Chilton to believe that he had no idea what offer he was referring to, when Chilton knew this is what Mr Johnson had been waiting all week for. Chilton sighed with frustration, this was already seeming like a fruitless effort. "I... Will answer some of your questions if you in turn will answer mine honestly." "How generous of you doctor" he leaned forward in anticipation. "Now that you mention it I have some.. Curiosities" Dr chilton ignored his apparent unpreparedness for this occasion. He cleared his throat. "I will begin if you don't mind, why did you kill those twelve people" Johnson paused before he answered. "You disappoint me doctor, I assumed after all of those hours studying my cases you would at least have figured that little bit out" he paused to let chilton respond but he stayed firm. Johnson sighed with disappointment. "In my life, I have only ever killed.. one person doctor. And I regret it very much... I... Lost my temper" "you admitted to the murder of 12 people after your manslaughter conviction" "ah yes well you see I was feeling very guilty about my little.. Altercation in the library so of course I decided to come clean about some of my other.. Mischief" chilton was losing his patience. "What do you mean, what happened to those people then?" "SUICIDES doctor! they killed themselves" this made no sense to chilton. He paused before speaking again to collect his swirling thoughts. "Why did you say you killed them." "I told you doctor" he sneered the word doctor, clearly growing impatient with this question, eager to get to his own. "I felt guilty.. I may not have killed those people but I am not entirely innocent" "I thought you said they were suicides" "YES!!!!... doctor" he shouted and slammed his hand down on the table. "because I f*****g told them to.. I showed them the worthlessness and futility of their meaningless lives and showed them how all of their dreams will be nothing but ashes in the endless crushing expanse of time and when they were done talking to me they were desperate for a way out of the meaningless cycle of existence and they sliced themselves open and they were f*****g GLAD.. They were GLAD to be dead I did them a f*****g FAVOUR." He paused and reattached a smile to his face, his previous anger hidden behind a cool grin. "But, enough about my work.. YOU doctor.. What are you doing here? Why have you come here.. To my little.. Lair?" "I feel that I can help people. I can help them through their problems so they can start a new life, a better life" Johnson burst out into hysterics, tears streamed down his face as he beat the table through fits of laughter. Chilton waited patiently for him to subside but he showed no sign of slowing. Chilton didn't fall for the bait and waited for him to quieten. "Oh forgive me doctor, but that is so adorably naive I... I couldn't help myself" "it's quite alright," chilton said with a forced smile. "I see you've been in here a long time there's nothing wrong with letting off some steam" "oh you misunderstand doctor.. I'm not laughing at you I'm simply laughing at your whole profession. You therapists and psychiatrists just amuse me with how utterly deluded and mistaken you all are." He chuckled and took a breath "you see.. You think that there's a structure to everything, that the brain is made to function in a specific way and everyone is the same and certain disorders affect different people and everyone fits into a.. Category.. Or has a title, an explanation for their behaviour. You think people can be summed up with your little diagrams and bar charts and every problem has a solution. You.. You think that people have gone astray and they suffer from a sickness that can be treated with some medicine and some fancy words". He took a pause as leaned closer to chilton before continuing "Let me tell you how it is doctor. Not everything works out neatly.. Some people are simply created broken. There is no reason or disorder to explain their minds, they simply.. Are. And there's very little you can do about it to be perfectly honest doctor" his condescension was becoming close to unbearable. "Unapologetic narcissist with delusions of grandeur" doctor chilton muttered as he scribbled at his notes. "I seem to have categorised you easily enough." "Ah, very clever doctor.. Attempting to provoke me to displaying my intentions with blatant contradiction. Simple but effective, a rookie move" he looked around absent-mindedly as if he was tiring of this charade. "Ask your question doctor."chilton moved swiftly on. "Why did you kill that man the library?" "Oh you know well doctor.. He attacked me, I needed to defend myself" "What you did could never qualify as defending yourself.. You butchered that poor man" "that 'poor' man tried to kill me, he intruded and attacked me in my place of comfort, that in my opinion is unforgivable." "Why did he try to kill you?" "Uh-uh doctor, you do not get two questions, I believe it is my turn.. What happened between you and your wife?" Chilton sighed deeply, he knew this would come and had prepared for this question. He steeled himself and rattled off what he had decided on. "We had a difference of opinion on a few issues and decided we would be better off apart for the good of the children." He decided he should give him enough to satisfy him but not enough detail to let him know any personal issues. "PATHETIC doctor.. Utterly pathetic.. You decided on that neat little answer long ago but I'm afraid it won't suffice. You'll have to do better than that." Chilton had also prepared for this. He would need to steer him away with false honesty. He took a deep breath and looked sincerely towards his patient and said after a long pause. "There was another woman involved" similar to earlier, Johnson burst into hysteric laughter but this time it devolved into a high pitched squeaking after a few moments. "Doctor the fact you think you can lie to me is genuinely adorable. I can read every little movement of your face and even though your mouth tries to tell sweet little lies your face screams the truth" he sneered at chilton. "And though I am amused by your efforts I am also insulted" Chilton swallowed guiltily, this he had not anticipated. "Though it was a lie I feel you made it not too far from the truth, you would have to make it believable so there most likely was another person.. Ahhhh, another MAN." Chiltons eye unconsciously twitched with rage, he tried to control it but Johnson saw it clear as day. "Ohhhh Robbie... She left you for someone else".. He winced mimicking pain. "You know nothing of pain you m**********r" Chilton thought to himself but kept his composure. "Why did that man try to kill you?" "Oh he never liked me.. Never trusted me.. When his daughter killed herself he instantly pointed the finger towards me. The police were having none of it so he took the law into his own hands.. Unfortunately for everyone involved." Every answer left Chilton with more questions. Johnson knew how to give him just enough to want more. "why..." Chilton began before Johnson cut him off "AH.. My question" Chilton ground his teeth together. "Oh alright alright I have a new proposition" Johnson said leaning towards Chilton. "A quickfire round I suppose.. You get 5 uninterrupted questions if I'm offered the same afterwards" "deal" Chilton said quickly uncaring of the consequences. "Why did the man think you were to blame for the death of his daughter?" "She was my partner, had been for a couple of weeks. Her dad never approved, said he thought I was... Strange... Suspicious." Chilton let this sink in a minute "you killed your own partner?" he grunted a curse as he realised he had wasted a question. "No no no I told you, I talked to her and she killed herself" Chilton took a second to compose his thoughts and moved onto his third question. Aware he was running out and needed to be careful. "What was your connection to the rest of your victims" "why, The same of course, partners and lovers all." "But some were men and others women.. And one man was 73 years old." "Do you have another question doctor?" "Are you a bisexual?" Chilton asked carefully. Johnson smiled "what a typically ignorant question doctor. Sexuality is all nonsense. What piece of skin hangs off someone's body is of no interest to me, the person attracts me." Chilton felt he had got somewhere today with only minimal damage to his patience, he had made definite progress to understanding this man and was satisfied. But he still had one remaining question and intended to make the most of it. "Why.. If you were partners with those people you clearly felt something for them so why, why destroy them like this?" "Again doctor, you misunderstand.. You continue to disappoint me without fail. I didn't destroy them. I SAVED them. They're in a far better place now.. Away from this stinking shithole of an excuse for a world. If you looked to the lives of all of those people you will see endless misery and trouble and pain. I sought them out, the lost souls, the ones without a purpose and I rescued them. If you look to their faces now that they're dead, you will see no pain, no suffering, just a.. A kind of relief. It's over for them. I showed them the way out, and they took it. No one will thank me for it but I know what I have done for them." "The man in the library, why did you save him?" "As I said, I lost my temper, I made a mistake.. That man did not deserve saving and his memory fills me with guilt to this day. Alas why I am here, to atone for my sin, saving one who was unworthy." Chilton stared into this mans eyes. this, completely insane man but he saw no raving madness in his eyes, only a calculated stare, with no twitching or squirming that he was grown used to, he found the normality unnerving.
"Now!" Johnson shouted with glee. "Onto you, doctor.. Oh where to begin.." Chilton nodded stiffly, hoping to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. "Tell me about your kids" he pried "that's not a question" "I decide what qualifies as a question if you do remember I started this exercise, go on, just help me get to know them." Chilton had no intention of letting this man know anything about his children, but he thought again.. He needed to help this man and if he didn't play ball his patient would never cooperate again and all of this would have been for nothing. "I've got two kids, a boy and a girl. George and... And Hannah" "they live with your wife" Johnson added. He didn't ask it as a question, he said it as a statement, he didn't ask questions he knew the answers to. "Ex-wife" Chilton corrected him but then instantly regretted it "of course he said that on purpose, idiot" he thought to himself. "Hannah is also your wife's name" "you know I'm getting awful f*****g sick of you knowing.." "Oh please it doesn't take a genius to realise no one says their daughters name with such spite unless it belonged to someone else you dislike and it's not exactly uncommon for children to be named after parents:" chilton ground his teeth and pushed onwards "you've got four left and make them quick I've got places to be." Johnson chuckled "no you don't. you're fooling no one. But anyway, next question, what would you say your purpose is in life chilton?" This completely blindsided the doctor, what was his purpose, did he have one? But then he knew what to say "helping people, people like you. And raising my kids to be able to do the same." Chilton wanted to show this f*****g creature is tricks wouldn't work on him, he had a goal, an aim and a purpose and nothing that b*****d could say would change that. Johnson smiled grimly to himself, like he knew some bad news he didn't quite know how to break "and, let me ask you this, what do you think your children's purpose will be? As unsuccessful as yours do you think?" Chilton stopped again, he knew what Johnson was trying to do, he was trying to do to him what he did to all of those other people, those dead people. "I'm afraid I've had quite enough of your questions for one day mr Johnson. I apologise but I must leave you" this just made him smile all the wider, "oh come now doctor don't be like that I haven't yet decided if you're worth saving. Come chat with me a while longer and we'll see what you're worth." "I'm sorry Mr Johnson, we will continue this tomorrow." He rose swiftly from his chair and pushed it out behind him, he hurried towards the door but before he reached it he heard the venomous words of his patient. "What do you think your wife's new purpose is? Or her new man's? Do you think they have something better to do with their lives than cry over lost children and talk to hopeless souls. More purpose than to moan about what could have been and what they should have been given. They have better tasks than trying to put together broken minds with nothing but dull wit and a faded notepad. You're pathetic you're NOTHING. All you have ever achieved is shot sperm into a better woman than you to create children along with a better man than you will ever be. Your only life ambition is to raise those little cumstains to be better than the man that came before them. Your only ambition stretches no further than this room. Than a man who has done far greater deeds than you and has helped more than you could ever dream of. I considered saving you doctor but I see now you are beyond saving, you are a soiled soul. Go now and live out the last miserable days of your life and do not come back to me, I have better people to work with than you.
Chilton froze for what seemed like an eternity. The words at first seemed to have no effect but then Johnson saw veins popping in his neck. Chilton turned slowly and Johnson saw fire in his eyes the likes of which he had never witnessed before. All along the doctors arms were veins popping up to the surface a dark angry blue colour and his face had turned pale as milk. In an instant he was across the room and had picked up his chair and slammed it across his patients face with a sickening crunch. Johnson was thrown backwards to the floor but his hands remained cuffed to the desk, he hung there awkwardly with blood dripping from his mouth. But chilton was not finished. A low growl rose up from chiltons stomach and he let it out in a furious roar before he took johnsons head and slammed it against the table. He did this five or six times until teeth were missing and johnsons nose was thoroughly broken, blood spilling from each organ. A frantic fumbling could be heard at the cell door but chilton paid it no notice. He pulled back and delivered a mighty kick to his patients stomach which pushed him upwards with the sheer force of it. Johnson was flipped onto his back and lay against the table his head resting against it. Blood crusting under his nose and mouth. Chilton approached him and wrapped his hands firmly around his throat and began to squeeze. He made a choking noise as he did it and tears streamed down his face as if he was the one being strangled. He looked into johnsons eyes once more and he saw something other than the childish twinkle he saw before.. A desperation, but a relief. This was what he wanted, what he needed. "Save me" he mouthed to chilton. "Please." With utter shock and disgust, chilton let go of his throat. He was revolted at what he had done and looked to his hands. They were splattered with crimson and they would not stop shaking. Before he knew it, he felt hands gripping him tightly and he heard voices far off. Suddenly he was being dragged sluggishly away. Before he slipped into unconsciousness he saw that face again, in front of his, mouthing the words "save me".
Chilton sat in his cell, scarred hands shaking, always shaking. They hadn't stopped since his conviction. His time away from mr Johnson had made his thoughts about him no clearer. What did this madman want with him? Did he try to get chilton to kill himself? Or did he have a different motivation.. Maybe after all of the people he had 'saved' he was begging for someone to offer him the same courtesy. These thoughts swirled around chiltons aching head as he tried to put them together to form a comprehensive picture but every time he got close a new disturbing thought would crash in and tear his progress asunder. But he had time.. Nothing but time.. He could help this man. That was now his purpose.. Whatever that meant.
The guard looked sorrowfully down the hallway as he saw someone approach. Young, confident, with a purposeful stride. Clean shaven and hair cut short he walked tall with his chest pushed out and his chin high. He had a clipboard neatly arranged with his file notes and tucked firmly under his arm. The guard felt a strong wave of déjà-vu wash over him. The tortured screams of the damned surprised the doctor for a second but he continued on unphased. They were taught to deal with maniacal screams and pay them no mind. What lay behind the bottom door was a different matter, nothing could prepare you for such a psychological assault. The guard almost felt like warning him "get away, you don't know what you're getting into, no one can deal with it." But he knew at the end of the day, that would cost him his job, and someone needed to put food on his table. And maybe this would be the one he could do it. But as he looked to this young, naive man, this boy. He thought otherwise. He began to open the door with a deep sigh and pushed his worries away. In the end it was selfishness that kept him going. In the end he was just glad it wasn't him in there.
The doctor marched through and observed his patient. Old scars ran along his brow and mouth and his nose was broken to a crooked angle. He grinned to show several missing teeth and bloodstains on the ones that remained. He had grown a long, dark beard that was missing in patches along his chin. But the one thing that had in no way deteriorated were his eyes, youthful and mischievous as ever.
Johnson looked to his doctor and his smile grew greatly, it extended to the edge of his mouth and his eyes gleamed brightly. He then began to speak in that slow, calculated voice that chilled the guard to the bone. "Would you give me the courtesy of providing your name.... Doctor?"

Author's Note

All feedback is welcome, I am a terrible editor so it may be bloated and rough in places. I apologise as it ended up far more clichéd than I had intended. I would also appreciate any suggestions for a title as my current one is awful.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Wow! Very powerful writing. Not quite my genre but I found it very compelling. There are several punctuation and spelling errors, and if you like I'll list as many as I can find for maybe a couple of paras, then you could sort of extrapolate from there for the rest.

More significant things, however
- it starts a bit too much like Silence of the Lambs, going down the passage. I think you should try and slant that part a different way
- Chilton's cynicism or boredom or going through the motions or whatever seems to come and go a bit in the early stages, and it didn't feel right when he started cursing to himself about Johnson. So may I suggest you look at a more consistent state of mind for Chilton, albeit one that evolves as the story progresses, but which doesn't lose credibility by hopping from almost a genuine desire to be helpful (everyone deserved help .... someone has to try) to something much more negative
- I think there are three or four places where you have more adjectives or adverbs than required, i.e. where you already have enough impact in other parts of the relevant sentence; so the extra bits are perhaps superfluous and may get in the way of the flow. I just tried to find one as an example, but the formatting of the text in this website doesn't make it easy to find passages quickly!

Overall, I think this is very powerful and not very nice or comfortable - in the right way from your perspective. It builds well and reaches a good kick in the tail at the end - fairly predictable but nonetheless a good kick in the tail! Well done!

Regards
Nigel

[Original_name]

Thanks for the feedback it was very helpful. I have not actually read
silence of the lambs so I shall work on the opening and all of the rest of your comment have been duly noted. Thanks a million

[Nigel Newman]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha7EB5Y_RT0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTkoWkUJMOI I've posted links to 2 spoofs of Silence of the lambs because I never saw the full movie. I'd forgotten how central the mental tussle between the prisoner and the visitor was; not just the passage part I mentioned before. This may give you some cause for concern because you're treading a very similar path. But there are thousands of love stories, fairytales, thrillers, etc that use almost identical storyboards in many respects, so I'd say there's still plenty of bandwidth for your story to sit alongside without being seen as imitative. But you may wish to look more closely at 'Lambs' than I have to ensure adequate 'separation'.