Chapter 1

Chapter 1 birth

The guards walked from one end of the hall to the other listening for intruders. 

“Ok run we run in three two one.”  The king and queen ran across the hall and quickly picked the lock on the door and shut it silently. None of the guards had noticed them. 

“She is not meant to have this power,” said the king. He stared at the eight stones shining on the altar. Then one by one he started to put them in a bag.

“Hurry we don’t have much time,” the queen whispered.  There was a noise at the door and they quickly turned around leaving two stones on the altar. Soldiers rushed in first and faced   their spears at the lovers, the evil queen behind them.  Realizing they were trapped the king looked at a nearby window and said “I'd go through hell before I'm captured by likes you," Then he  grabbed the  queen  and  shoved  her  and  himself out the  window  landing  into a river. They swam to safety and back to their own kingdom. With the rest of the stones they expanded their kingdom, but they never saw the evil queen ever again.

 

After much thought the king realized that the stones were vulnerable and could be taken again. Faced with this problem he summoned an oracle named Aldrik to the castle to seek a solution to this problem. The oracle had been among the king and queen's kingdom ever since it had begun and knew that this was a very vital situation. He told the king that the only way the stones would be safe is if they were united with a soul of youth.  The king and queen were too old to be united with the stones and again they were faced with a problem.

 Then the queen said “We will have six,” She almost said it as if she was asking a question.

“Six what my love?” the king turned towards her.

“Children,” She whispered. After she said that the oracle smiled and left the castle.  Have been given the precious idea the king and queen had six children in six years. The first was Bedros and he was given the stone of Rock, then Carissa with plants, Andreas had fire, Nora united with lightning, Cathy was blessed with air, and little blue Zale was given water. These six children grew up knowing their responsibilities and held the stones inside them and this is where the story begins.

“Carissa! Give me it back!” cried Zale. Carissa was ten now and poor Zale was only four.  She had taken Zale’s toy and was running all over the castle from room to room.  Finally Zale jumped on Carissa and she fell to the ground and the toy slipped right out of her hand and across the floor. She quickly got up and grabbed the toy but at the same time so did Zale. They  looked eye to eye then Zale made  his sea  face and  scared  Carissa  and she  let go  of the  toy and ran  off.  Zale stood up and held his toy high like a trophy and started to play with it down the hall.

On the other side of the castle were Andreas, Bedros, and Cathy playing tag. Bedros was it and had found Andreas.  Bedros chased Andreas into the dining hall and  was about  to tag him  until  Andreas ran around the  corner and Bedros  turned that  corner  and  instead of Andreas he saw mother  with an  irritated  look on her  face.  “Bedros didn’t I tell you not to play in the dining room,” She looked down at him and he put his head down embarrassed. “Bedros you are 11 years old it’s time you stop playing these childish games,” 

“Yes mother,” Bedros bowed and walked away.  As he walked away  Cathy ran up to Bedros and  taunted  him to catch  her but Bedros  walked  past  her  ignoring  the  urge to run  after her. After  Bedros  past  her Cathy  became  confused and then  looked  at  mother  and  even at  her young  age she understood  what happened. Then Nora appeared and asked Cathy to play with her. Cathy looked at her mother and she gave Cathy a nod and a slight smile that it was ok.

            Later that day all the children were called to the throne room were their mother and father was waiting.  When they arrived   there was what looked like two eggs. One was bright white and the other was pink with an orange bud on the top of it. “My children I present you with these gifts. For my  sons I give you a pure dragon from the forest and  for my  daughters I  give  you  a  precious gem from the water”  the king  said. Everyone  was so excited except  Cathy and Zale  because  they  didn’t  even  know what  an  egg was. Then the king walked to the pink egg and the queen walked over to the white egg. Then they spoke in a  language  that the children didn’t understand and the dragon unwrapped its self  from the white egg and ran  to the boys and the water lily came out of  its egg  and  ran  to  the  girls.

The  pure  dragon  was  completely  white  except  for  its  eyes and webbing  on  the  wings  that were green; the water  lily had a magenta skin color on its  snake  body  and  orange  and pink  flower petals  for its tail and arms. The dragon ran and jumped onto Zale licking his face while Bedros and Andreas pet it. The water lily cuddled with all the girls and especially liked Carissa. They all laughed as they played with their new pets.

The Years past and the six grew up  learning more about the  stones and their power and  about themselves, but as time pasted so did the king’s and queen’s life.  They died together from a sickness called memorysest. Memorysest caused  a  person to forget  and  the longer  they had it the farther back  they couldn’t  remember until they  couldn’t even  remember  they could  breath.  It was a very solemn time for the kingdom and Bedros was only 16, the oldest. When they read  the will of the  king  and queen they discovered  that  they had  written to  split  the kingdom  into  six  kingdoms,  one  for each  of  them.  It also said that they didn’t care how old the children were that they could rule. This came to be a shock to them.

“Bedros I don’t know if I can rule, it’s…. a lot,” Cathy said with tears of fear in her eyes. 

“You’ll be ok. Mother and father trusted you so they must have known that you were always ready,”  Bedros  put his  arm  over  her should  and  lead her along with  the  others  outside to  tell  the kingdom  what had  to be  done. The kingdom didn’t like this new idea but they had the soldiers. After three years everyone got use to the new kingdoms. 

Author's Note

let me know what your favorite character is if you want to

Reviews

[Dark Rider]

I like your idea. It's different than anything I've read before. You could have put a little more detail in describing the events as they unfolded, but it was still easy to follow. It's sparked my interest, and would like to see where you take this. Great job. :)

[James E. Peterson]

Get your book published! It's quite good really. This book's my kinda read.

[Tunder]

Hi! I'm back! :)
"The first was Bedros and he was given the stone of Rock, then Carissa with plants, Andreas had fire, Nora united with lightning, Cathy was blessed with air, and little blue Zale was given water. These six children grew up knowing their responsibilities and held the stones inside them and this is where the story begins." This is too much information at once! Try to introduce your characters more slowly. If you give your readers too much information at once, what reason will they have to read on? And the Stone of Rock seems a bit redundant. Maybe Stone of Earth? And just as question I have in general, not like a critique but a plot question I'd just like to know, are the stones literally inside of them? This paragraph could be a great, natural end to this chapter. Perhaps make this a prologue and end it here.
They way you introduce the children, as just that, children, is awesome! It pulls your reader in because they're peculiar children doing normal things. Just be conscious of your grammar and sentence structure. Try to add some more details. (Adjective and adverbs are your best friends!)
"Bedros chased Andreas into the dining hall and was about to tag him until Andreas ran around the corner and Bedros turned that corner and instead of Andreas he saw mother with an irritated look on her face. “'Bedros didn’t I tell you not to play in the dining room,” She looked down at him and he put his head down embarrassed."' This excerpt starts with a run-on sentence, so just try to break it up a little. In this instance, 'mother' should be capitalized. If 'mother' does not have the word 'the' in front of it, it must be capitalized as it is then being used as proper noun.
"Later that day all the children were called to the throne room were their mother and father was waiting. When they arrived there was what looked like two eggs." Just a little mistake, 'were' should be 'where'.
The mention of the dragon and the water lily seems irrelevent, unless you are planning on incorporating this in a later chapter. Also, if you're going to invent a new creature, you will need a very detailed description. And the dragon needed to be described as well; like a long asian dragon? Giant shiny scales? Horns? And not all girls like flowers! ;) ;p
Please, go into more detail with their deaths. Make your readers feel something! Did they deteriorate slowly? Depth, descriptions, etc.
Over all, you've penned a very creative story, and yes, it does need work, but I really think it's going to be amazing! :D

[PureHeaven]

Not gonna lie, detail. Detail is key my friend. Just sit back and read a paragraph, for example your first with the king and queen stealing the stones. Read it, think about every idea inside it. There's the king (Does he have a beard? Sweating? Running despite his heavy girth?) Just take your time and read through what you've written. Detail is always there if you take the time to find it. You can even make detail hard to notice and subtly placed, for instance as the water lily shows more affection for Carrisa you may mention "The freshly hatched water Lilly stayed nuzzling in Carrisa's shoulder after the cuddling with the other girls" or something. In that example its clear that the water Lilly is more attached to Carrisa.
Other than practice makes perfect you've made a good start.
And now that I've said all that I'm going to take my own advice and actually do some of that when I'm writing :/

[Scott]

cool nice story start you really capture the reader, some little errors but a very good story

[Alisha Heistand]

Interesting first chapter. I like how you show the children's playfulness-interesting pet choices I might add; very creative.

[Tunder]

The beginning of your story instantly puts your reader in the middle of the action, which is always a good beginning.

'“Ok run we run in three two one.' The king and queen ran across the hall and quickly picked the lock on the door and shut it silently. None of the guards had noticed them.
'She is not meant to have this power,' said the king. He stared at the eight stones shining on the altar. Then one by one he started to put them in a bag."
This is a very strong beginning, but there are little devices you could use to improve it. First, the dialogue could use some punctiation to make it smoother. Try something like, "Ok, Run in three-two-one." Your reader is probably assuming the king and queen are in a dungeon or a jail of some sort because of the presence of guards. If this is the case, wouldn't they have picked the lock before sprinting across the hall? Add some details about they're surroundings. Is it a stone hallway? Where are they? How many guards and what are their facial expressions like. You have an amazing start, but small details can add suspense and feeling to your work. Also, add something to your characters. For example, you could say, "The king stared at the eight stones shing on the altar, the lines in his face deepening." What are your characters feeling? Whatever your characters feel, your reader will feel. The more emotionally attached your reader becomes, the more they will read! :)

"Soldiers rushed in first and faced their spears at the lovers, the evil queen behind them." The word, "faced" here doesn't make sense. Use something like "aimed" or "pointed" instead. Spice it up with some kick a*s adjectives or adverbs! The word "rushed" is a great choice here! It suggests urgency and adds voice to your work.

"Realizing they were trapped the king looked at a nearby window and said 'I'd go through hell before I'm captured by likes you,' Then he grabbed the queen and shoved her and himself out the window landing into a river."

I think you meant "Id go though Hell before I'm captured by the likes of you." However, I don't think this is something a character would 'say' in this situation. It's more realistic for your character to state it cooly, or snarl or growl it. Was is your character doing? Readers can be unimaginative so don't leave it up to them. It's YOUR story so anything you write goes. Make sure your readers are getting the same image. In addition, the transition word "then" could be replaced with the word, "before" to make the compound sentence run more smoothly.

"'Children,' She whispered. After she said that the oracle smiled and left the castle. Have been given the precious idea the king and queen had six children in six years."
You've already used the word "whispered" not too long ago to describe the queen's speech. Consider using something like, "breathed quietly." Or use thesaurus.com (I ADORE that site! It's EXTREMELY helpful!) Just watch your commas throughout your writing. Reading it out loud, though silly, is very helpful. See where the natural pauses are. "Have been given the precious idea, the king and queen had six children in six years."
I will review the rest of your story when I have a bit more time :) So far, the idea and plot seem really awesome and highly intriguing! I am eager to read more and see where you go with this! :) I hope this review is helpful, sorry for the length! Review you soon! :D Keep writing! ~Tunder~

[Dez]

thank you so much and you really helped me think about character development like red water (person that reviewed below). you were vary specific and i thank you for being honest! i love people that give me long reviews like yours. please continue to read! try not to pay attention to grammar despite how horrible it is and keep giving me these awesome reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Redwater]

You have a great idea for a story, and the potential for a novel if you play it right. You seem to have a beautiful imagination and know exactly how to use it too and that's a great asset for a writer. But it is very fast paced so far, and that can be okay sometimes in writing of course. The only things you need are patience with your story, don't get ahead of yourself too much it might turn out the way you wouldn't want it to (trust me, it's happened to my self more than often), and experience. Experience is a big contribution to a lot of authors.
Here's some advice if you would like it:
Try new things with your writing. Give the split kingdoms different features to everyone's different personalities. Give them personalities!
Check and double check and triple check your wording and spelling, there is no such thing as being too careful with this.
Stay up late until you're really tired and just think about your story, what you want to happen, don't create ideas as you go along.
Listen to music while you write. What ever kind of music you want your story to feel like. If you want the story to have a nature-ish feeling to it, or Middle Earth like J. R. R. Tolkien, listen to soothing music. If adventurous like Percy Jackson or True Grit then listen to very independent music, rebellious music might work too but whatever type works with you it doesn't matter.
Incorporate your own self into it. Like a memory or fear, belonging, or/and facial feature. It will help you better connect with your characters.
DETAIL DETAIL DETAIL! There can NEVER be too much detail! Find synonyms for words, different ways to describe a character but at the same time keeping them connected to the same general idea. And be creative with it too, but also keep it so that people still understand it.

Now again, this story has amazing potential going on for it. YOU have amazing potential. So work hard squirt and this book will improve tons. This site can only make a writer better, and if you don't like something you did or if you made a mistake there will always be time to change it. There is no hurry darling.

[Dez]

thank you so much!!!! this is such a great review and i will work hard! not gonna give up and i'll always take criticism in a positive way. thank you also for the tips they are also very helpful. people like you help me grow so much and i thank you soooooooooooooooooooo much for it

[Redwater]

No problem darling

[Petal]

This is a really great chapter, it has a great concept. However, there could be a little bit of gap filling. For example, when the king and queen escape and build a new kingdom. Also, when introducing the stones, in my opinion you should have let the children figure out what their powers were instead of introducing it all at once. I shall continue onward toward then other chapters and tell you what I think :)

[Jamal]

yeah i have to agree with everyone, the plot is foggy. needs more detail but love the idea over all. btw can you check out my work thanks

[Zap-the-awesome]

Okay, here we go. It needs ALOOOOT more detail. This would really be better spilt into four seller ate chapters or two longer chapters with a TON more detail. I want to know what the castle looks like, I want to know is the king is sweating or not as he's sneaking through the castle, I want to know the color of the interior, I want the evil queen to have at least a coue lines of diolouge, I want to know what separates the children from being carbon copies of one another, I want a detailed description of what EVERYONE looks like, I want to know more details about the oracle,ect...ect...ect... I'm being brutally honest because I want you to have a good book. Details,details. Unless your writing this for children, you've only barely outlined the plot of it, much less written the chapters. On this website there is a profile named 'bypatkeagan' and be has some awesome tips on there. You should check it out. Also take a peek at the first chapter of a book I'm writing. It's titled 'Alwin' I've only got the first chapter on here but it mig by help you have an idea of what I'm suggesting to you. I'm not the greatest writer myself, so you should observe writing styles of professionals as well to get a good idea.

Also, your plot isn't particularly unique, so if you're going with it, it really needs to be spectacularly written to capture and hold attention. I say this all in hopes that it will help you, so please do not take offense! I wish you luck.