(memoir)

(non-fiction - I'm not the author, and the events that took place are accurate given Jess' point of view. Re-uploaded for those that haven't read it, dated approx. 2013. I was eighteen y/o.)

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Dear Aaron, 

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It's been a year and a bit since the accident that changed everyone's world and I think its time I told you a story. I am not a religious person. I am not a superstitious person. I am a very practical person. The world works the way it works because it works. And that's all there is to it. In the two months prior to the accident I thought I was going crazy. Any time I got into my car I saw accidents that weren't there. Driving down the highway, a car would pass me and I would see a head on collision. Passing through an intersection and I would see a t-bone impact. Slowing down to round a speed curve and I would see a rollover. The list goes on and on. None of these were real. They would be flashes, images seared into my minds eye while driving. I thought I was losing my mind. 

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Instinctively though, I would start cataloging potential injuries from each accident. What would be the likely point of impact, where would the driver and/or passengers be injured, what would I do as an EMT if I stopped to help. Two months of this. The closer to the accident it got, the more frequently it happened. 

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The day of the accident I had to work. It was a long exhausting day and all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm not a fan of night driving and those flashes I'd been getting had made me borderline terrified to get behind the wheel. I did what I usually do at the end of my rotation I packed up my stuff and was getting ready for bed when this voice, clear as if someone were standing next to me says "You need to leave tonight." I kid you not. It sounded like an old British man. I spun around freaked right out thinking someone was in the house with me. Of course no one was there. 

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I'm not going to lie to you. I sat on the floor and cried. I was losing my mind. First these flashes, visions, whatever. And now I'm hearing voices. It happened again, the same voice saying the same thing. "You need to leave tonight." So I did. 

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I got to Swift Current and as per my normal routine, I called my friend Travis to go for supper. He didn't answer his phone, which was weird because he always answers. I was debating on dropping by his apartment when the voice turned up again, "You need to keep driving." By now I had semi accepted this new brand of crazy and sworn to check myself into a psych ward when I got home. I debated stopping somewhere in swift for supper and was about to pull off the highway when it happened again. That damn voice that sounded like it belonged to a cast member from Game of Thrones, "You need to keep driving." Fine! I'll keep driving. And I did. 

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I was on the phone with my daughter saying goodnight when it started raining and I heard the voice again. "You should say goodbye, she doesn't need to hear you have an accident." I hung up and slowed down. You passed me in that giant van. I remember being startled because I hadn't noticed you behind me. I remember thinking "Idiot. Passing in the rain like that... I hope nothing happens to him." (Don't take it personally, I often have thoughts like this about other drivers who pass me in bad weather.) I was mentally berating myself for not staying in Swift. I usually sleep on Travis's couch when the weather is bad and leave again in the morning. 

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Then I saw your tail lights spiralling in front of me. That's when I thought "am I really seeing that? Surely not. Holy s**t! That's actually happening!" I thought you'd hit a deer, but there were no deer bits. Just chunks of vehicle. 

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I found Cliff first. He was thrown clear and screaming about his leg. I was standing there staring like a moron, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water while I talked to the 911 operator when you called out. "Excuse me ma'am? I think I need help. I'm stuck and I can't feel my arm." I remember thinking, "excuse me? Who says excuse me and calls people ma'am at a time like this??" 

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I told you I was sorry. I couldn't get to you. I couldn't fit through the windows. I'm not a big woman, but you're bigger then me and that van looked like a crushed soda can. To this day I don't know how you got out. The physics of it, Aaron it shouldn't have been possible. I don't know how much of our conversation you remember, but I will never forget it. 

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You told me your name was Aaron and it was nice to meet me. I introduced myself and said I wished we were meeting under better circumstances. You kept saying that your parents would kill you and I said, "No, they are going to be so happy you're alive, they won't care about anything else." 

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I told you that you were not allowed to die because I wouldn't let you. I was so scared Aaron. Your leg was obviously broken and your arm was missing and you said you couldn't feel anything. That's bad, that's so bad. That's your body shielding itself from the pain and preparing to go into shock. You were so close to death. I was so scared. 

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You told me about your girlfriend with her brown hair and pretty brown eyes. You told me about the cat you got to keep her company while you worked out east but it didn't have a name yet. 

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When you fell silent, I thought you were dead. I put my hand on your chest and you asked what I was doing. I said "Just checking." You laughed a little and said "I'm still here." 

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You asked if I was praying. I said "I think I am." You asked if I was a religious person. "No," I answered, "but I think I might be after this." 

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I don't know if anyone told you, but the first responders who showed up prior to EMS arriving, they had been having a barbecue. They were celebrating that it had been 7 years since the last major accident along their stretch of highway. The two who showed up had never done a call like that. Hell, I had never done a call like that before but because my training was higher then theirs I had to stay in charge.

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When I asked the one EMR for his blood pressure cuff and I started putting it on your missing arm he looked at me like I was crazy and whispered that I would get an accurate BP reading from the other arm. It still makes me smile. 

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Nothing about that night should have happened the way it did. If I hadn't gone crazy and heard voices I wouldn't have been on the road when I was. A delay of minutes and things would have turned out so differently. What haunts me most is that if you hadn't passed me in the rain, it would have been me who was hit. My car is so much smaller then the van you drove, and nothing to the truck who hit you. Aaron, I would have been dead. There is no possible way for me to have survived that. My daughter would have grown up without me. Because of you I am able to take her to ballet class and swimming lessons. I got to watch her turn five and put her little hands on her hips and say "I'm five now, next I'll be six, and soon I'll be sixteen. Then I can do what I want!" And I get to tell her, "You'll still have to make your bed when you're sixteen. So you'd better practice now." 

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I never heard that voice again. The flashes stopped too, it's been over a year and I can drive and not see or hear anything other then what's really there. I am so sorry you were hit. I am so sorry you will carry around the reminder of that day for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry that things will never be the same. 

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But thank you. 

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You saved my life. 

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Jess 

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