... (XVII)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjg2QddvdfA&ab_channel=TashSultana

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I

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I was scared to see him, 

Terrified, and if anybody were to’ve asked

I think I’d’ve told them straight:

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I hadn’t seen him in years

And I hadn’t slept for days.

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II

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The boy I remember, 

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He had these gentle, green eyes;

He had this soft kind of countenance, this way,

As though everything that he was seeing, he was

As if it was the first time he ever had.

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When he laughed, he laughed with newness;

When he hurt, he hurt with immediacy;

When he startled, when he cried, when he loved,

He did it all

Completely.

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I adored him. 

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I loved him for that newness, that voracity -

For the sarcastic way his tone would wag,

Like the swinging of a canine tail.

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I cared for him a lot; 

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I’d made it my mission to match him:

New for new - whole for whole - complete

Through and to

Complete.

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III

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And now, though I hadn’t heard his voice, in years,

Though I hadn’t even a picture with which to compare 

My preconception,

I’d hoped that my old love’d still be there:

That a shadow of the boy I’d known

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Might still somehow remain.

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IV

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This was where the terror came from, that angsty-guilt that coincides

With the knowledge, the foresight,

That something you’ve yet to fully ascertain, to register or confirm

Is waiting to jump out from behind the dark, or from the paleness of a curtain.

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That boy from long ago - that bright-eyed boy from so long ago -

He’d died, somewhere, along the way …

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I think, maybe 

He’d been dying in small doses for a very long time.

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V

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And I knew, that the person I’d yet to meet

Would not only defy any resemblance

But that when he’d look at me, I could see already,

That his eyes wouldn’t remotely seem the same.

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VI

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And I was scared.

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Scared, because I knew - when the time came -

I wouldn’t be able to match the stories I’d heard

To the eyes

I still remembered …

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Scared, because if a light like that could die

I'd never really know what it meant for mine.

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And scared, because even after all of this time

And despite all of my conjecture,

I couldn't quite recall

Where my fault lay in it all

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And I wasn't sure if he would either.

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