Goldilocks

Her last mission never ends...

White feathery clouds consumed the dullness out of the lifeless sky. The last time it was sunny in Thornend, Benjamin would have to count his grey hair to remember, but of course he knew.

How could he forget? It was before the avalanche.

 

The Azure Museum was still standing near his house then, as if he owned it. Well, Agnes would’ve loved it if both of them handled the museum together but Mother Nature took her too early. Benjamin was simply grateful now that she buried that cursed museum along with its builder, lovely, lovely Agnes. He wouldn’t be able to stand catching a glance at it and not feel the anger push his sanity to senseless rage. 

What was that irritating sound?

Benjamin casted a long hard look at the main door of his house, permanently ending his train of thoughts. It couldn’t be. No one ever visited him ever since the sun failed to rise again. But there it was.

A knock…

 ***

Kiele shook her head after the fifth knock and narrowed her eyes. “Is the old man deaf?”

The girl with golden curls was impatient, and dangerous, as always. She shifted and Jaden saw the heel of her right boot was angled awkwardly at the door.

Don’t -he was about to say. But Kiele already kicked a fluid arc that sent the door knob flying over the porch.

“There.” Kiele pushed the oak door open and went right in as if it was her own house. The startled sound she made inside brought Jaden to a stop, just a couple feet away from the doorway. Instead of continuing, he went to stand with his back against the wall.

“Easy…” Kiele’s voice was clipped; she didn’t like to talk when she was thinking. And when Kiele is thinking, better make a run for it.

Jaden took his wallet out and held the small mirror on the flap in arm’s length, aiming it to reflect the scene happening inside.

“What are you doing here?” A hoarse voice asked.

Jaden got a view of blond hair. Kiele was standing with her hands on her hips -she looked good. Then he moved his wrist carefully and saw a big man with a dirty face and disheveled grey hair. He was holding something -a little to the right- a gun. A mini revolver, the kind Jaden’s dad kept in his pants. Every man who lived through the war carried one, he guessed.

“Let’s just say we’re looking for something.” Kiele talked with a harsh tone.

“We? You’re not alone…”

Kiele! Jaden mouthed extra colourful words as he swiftly and quietly turned the corner. He stepped on a crate full of cans and jumped, grabbing the edge of the roof and promptly pulling his legs up to land on the tiles.

“Get your friend. Now. No!” The man coughed from shouting. “Don’t move. Just call him or her.” 

Jaden tried to calm his breathing but his heart felt like it was caught in his throat. He needed to act immediately. With a great intake of air, he slowly made his way across the roof.

Kiele heard the noise outside and mentally apologized to Jaden for giving away his presence. She kept her eyes straight on the old man who returned her strong gaze. He had brown eyes like hers. But that’s the last thing she noticed. The old man had a weird habit of crinkling his nose like he was always in the middle of controlling a sneeze. It seemed awfully familiar that she had to blink fast to clear her mind.

“Well?!” His voice made her jump.

And then she jumped again with an embarrassing shriek escaping her lips.

Jaden hit the man from behind who landed face down; the revolver spun on the floor next to him. Jaden was still clutching the long block of wood like a cave man.

“I don’t think he’ll be coming back up again…” Kiele whispered which made him relax.

He sighed with heavy relief, his dark hair that fell over his forehead was wet with sweat, and then he threw the wood on a green couch.

Author's Note

Any will do. :)
Next: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/OnyxKey/1175542/

Reviews

[Storyworker]

So, the first thing I noticed about the chapter and how it’s written was the use of adjectives. The use of adjectives came in two forms: with verbs and with nouns. For instance, “White feathery clouds” would be an example of adjectives with nouns while “she moved his wrist carefully” would be an example of an adjective paired with a verb. You want to avoid adjectives paired with verbs. These become repetitive and interrupt the flow of the story. What you want to do instead is to find verbs that are descriptive enough on their own to not need the assistance of an adjective. For instance, “He moved carefully in order to prevent himself from waking the man.” would instead become, “he inched his way through the room in order to avoid waking the man.” If you really want to use an adjective, do something like this: “He eased himself through, careful not to wake the man.” This reverses the sentence and gives it much more flow. This technique also gives you better word choice. “Inched” is a much better word to use than “moved”, because it gives the reader an idea of how a person is moving, and thus gives much more description than even two words can give. Now this is a rather difficult process. I even had trouble coming up with this sentence, but once you do get this down, your writing becomes awesome. Trust me.

Another thing I noticed was actually the overuse of adjectives. “Irritating sound” “white feathery clouds”. These broke up the story a bit too much when used too much in a single sentence. For instance, “Jaden got a view of her BLOND hair.” Sentences like this were used far too often, making many sentences have the same “template” or form. Try varying how sentences were formed. Alternate the different styles of sentence structure, to give some variety. You can change “Jaden got a view of her blond hair” to, “Jaden was able to catch a glance of her hair, with its golden locks flowing past her shoulder as she stood with her hands on her hips. The sentence structure has been changed, and though this is also a difficult process to find the right balance between these different types of sentences, it really pays off in the end and gives the reader some variety to explore.

Next I’d like to comment on the setting. If you’ve ever played the game, Skyrim, you’d know what I’m talking about here, but I pictured the entire story happening in a large cavern with massive glowing mushrooms all around and a stone walkway where a house made of rocks is sitting with a golden roof and a weak wooden door. Now I’m sure this wasn’t the look you were going for. In fact, I’m pretty positive. A bit more description of the area they’re in would help to keep the reader from assuming a setting like I did. A reader might assume that they’re in a field, or assume that they’re in a city. It could go either way. Try adding more description to the setting, but don’t overdo it! Remember, don’t overuse adjectives either. There’s a great book by Stephen King called “On Writing”, which talks about the description of a setting, and gives some really good guidelines. If you get the chance, give it a read, because it really helped me out in my writing, and I think it could help you.

With that said, another thing to think about is the backstory, and its introduction to the reader. You sort of hinted at the fact that this is a post-apocalyptic scenary. (Maybe) But you didn’t explain exactly why. I’m sure that you plan to explain it better in later chapters, but you absolutely must give the reader an idea of what the world’s scenario almost immediately. Even if it’s just a little bit of information, give the reader an outline to work with. A reader cannot work with hints. Unless expertly written, adding mystery to the entire setting of the novel, and the entire situation, can make a reader frustrated, not intrigued. If you really want to do this though, pay attention to every detail to make sure that the reader can understand your story, and will be intrigued by the mystery. You want to slowly feed the reader with information that they will be satisfied by, but don’t give them too much, or they’ll stop finding the next piece of information as rewarding as the last. Also, don’t give them too little, or you’ll starve the reader and they’ll move on to the next book. (Books being metaphorical food in this case).

You’ve got a really good idea here. It’s the writing that needs some work, not the actual story. I really liked how you describe what’s happening. Remember, these suggestions are just that. Suggestions. It is your job to pick out the things that you like from my review, and to discard what doesn’t suit you. It’s your story, not mine. Keep working on it! You’ve got something great here!

-Storyworker

[OnyxKey]

Thank youu
I appreciate this very much. Honestly, I wrote like that before. Thinking of the best way an action could be told but then I read stories online that had the same style as mine and I got bored reading it and then I went back and got bored reading the story I wrote. It surprised me actually. I now realize I like the fast paced kind; sort of like L.J Smith's style, if you know her. But entirely your review has been helpful, yes I will take what suits me. Thank you for sharing. :)

[Storyworker]

Thanks for the reply! I'm happy to help. :)

[Poetic-pRiNcEsS]

i love this, it starts so powerfully and ends so decriptively..good work dear writter

[OnyxKey]

Thank youu :)