Family Plot

Heather has been thinking too hard, David disapproves.

INT. DAVID’S HOUSE. HEATHER and DAVID are talking.

 

HEATHER

I’m telling you David, it’s weird. We haven’t heard from Crystal, she doesn’t answer her cell phone or return her phone calls and we haven’t seen her in like three or four weeks. 

 

DAVID

It makes as much sense as the time Nathan wrote those scripts even though several of the keys on his keyboard were broken.

 

FLASHBACK TO 45-minute improv.

 

JOHNNY

Uh, Nathan, there’s no E’s in this entire script.

 

NATHAN

My E letter on my keyboard, it’s um... it broke.

 

DAVID

(laughs)

 

NATHAN

And I replaced it with an R, so that’s why there’s R’s for every E.

 

DAVID

(stops laughing ) What?

 

NATHAN

If that makes sense?

 

DAVID

How am I gonna… (starts flipping through script)

 

NATHAN

You see what I’m saying?

 

DAVID

How am I gonna read this with no E’s and all R’s?

 

NATHAN

You just replace the E’s with R’s.

 

TRACIE

Then how do you know if an R is an E or an R?

 

NATHAN

Well, isn’t it obvious?

 

JOHNNY

No.

 

NATHAN

I thought it was obvious; (laughs) I mean how many R’s can you use in a word?

 

CUT back to PRESENT.

 

HEATHER

It can only mean one thing… Nathan killed Crystal.

 

DAVID

Nathan did not kill his wife.

 

HEATHER

Seriously, have you seen the way he’s been acting, especially when you mention Crystal? She’s dead. She’s soo dead.

 

DAVID

Honey, do you honestly think Nathan has the brain capacity to plan anything much less the perfect murder?

 

HEATHER

He could be like one of those people who fake their ignorance to lead people on. Like Jessica Simpson. People say she’s a genius, because she seems to be such an idiot but she probably isn’t in real life.

 

DAVID

Behaving as if you’re an idiot to the point people start to believe it is anything but genius. It pretty much means you’re an idiot.

 

HEATHER

David, I’m serious.

 

DAVID

So am I. Nathan didn’t kill anybody. Nathan may be the dumbest person I know, but he’s not that dumb. And I know a lot of idiots.

 

HEATHER

People kill their spouses all the time.

 

DAVID

Yes, but for what? What incentive does Nathan have to kill Crystal?

 

HEATHER

Oh, yeah… the motive. (thinks) Their relationship probably just fell to pieces or something.

 

DAVID

People don’t kill for reasons like that anymore. It’s called irreconcilable differences and that’s what divorce is for. If you murder your spouse now, it’s gotta be in a fit of rage or for a life insurance policy.

 

HEATHER

Really? A life insurance policy? People do that?

 

DAVID

Some yes.

 

HEATHER

Does it work?

 

DAVID

Crime doesn’t pay… and you have to be married to me before you can get a life insurance policy.

 

HEATHER

Don’t be gruesome.

 

DAVID

Well… what am I suppose to think?

 

HEATHER

I still say he killed her.

 

DAVID

You’re crazy.

 

HEATHER

As a friend, you have to consider the consequences if we don’t do anything.

 

DAVID

As a friend, you should consider the repercussions of opening your big mouth in front of the wrong person.

 

HEATHER

We could practically be accessories.

 

DAVID

Accessories to what? Nothing’s happened.

 

HEATHER

Something has happened and I aim to find out. (starts to exit)

 

DAVID

Heather, please tell me you won’t do something I’ll have to answer for later. At least take the full responsibility of your actions.

 

HEATHER

Very funny. You’ll thank me later!

 

 

END EPISODE.

Reviews

[Chainsaw Enema]

NATHAN! How...dare you!?!