The Favor

Nathan buys Heather's loyalty.

NATHAN places a phone call to HEATHER. She answers.

 

HEATHER

Hello, He-Weaver.

 

NATHAN

Hey, Heather, I got a big favor to ask of you and it involves your fiancé, David.

 

HEATHER

I only have one fiancé, you really don’t have to say his name.

 

NATHAN

Are you gonna help me or not?

 

HEATHER

It depends. What’s in it for me?

 

NATHAN

Chocolate. Lots of gooey chocolate.

 

HEATHER

What brand of chocolate?

 

NATHAN

Any brand you want.

 

HEATHER

Okay, what’s up?

 

NATHAN

You remember the TV series Going Nowhere?

 

HEATHER

Nope. Oh, wait, was that the horrible show I watched at your house before I even barely knew you guys?

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

NATHAN

Well, yes… it was the show you and David watched at our house before we barely knew you. I wouldn’t say it was a horrible show, though.

 

HEATHER

Well, you have to admit that it was a little lacking.

 

NATHAN

Really? Lacking? Pray tell, oh wise-one, what was it lacking?

 

HEATHER

I’m no critic… what do I know?

 

NATHAN

Well, then let’s just suppose. Hypothetically, if you were a critic and you had a sentence that stated “Going Nowhere is lacking” blank. What would you fill in that blank with? As a critic and hypothetically?

 

HEATHER

Well, the content was lacking… the camera work was lacking, the editing, the acting—

 

NATHAN

Whoa! What was wrong with the acting?!

 

HEATHER

It just was… well, it was just lacking a little.

 

NATHAN

A little what?

 

HEATHER

Let’s face it; you guys didn’t really act in the show. You just sat around and barely did anything. Oh, and there was little to no costuming and you shot in and around the same house for every episode. Oh, and the continuity; there was absolutely no continuity. Tell me that what I just described isn’t a horrible TV show?

 

NATHAN

Can I get to my point or are you gonna nag all day?

 

HEATHER

Well, you asked—

 

NATHAN

Anyway... I’m wanting to do a second season of Going Nowhere and I brought it up to David and he was all down about the idea. So, if you could just do whatever it is you women do to persuade men to do something and make him give the okay to do the second season that would be great.

 

HEATHER

I’ll wear something with cleavage.

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

NATHAN

That was too much information. So, if you would just do what you gotta do and please don’t let me know. That would be perfect.

 

HEATHER

I don’t know; I mean, didn’t that show get cancelled?

 

NATHAN

Yes… but it’s complicated. It was really a good show.

 

HEATHER

Debatable.

 

NATHAN

Do you want the chocolate or not?

 

HEATHER

Well, for chocolate, okay. I’ll mention it to him.

 

NATHAN

And do your thing. Make it good.

 

HEATHER

I’ll do my thing and mention it.

 

NATHAN

Thanks, Heather, I owe you one.

 

HEATHER

Actually, if you wanna start counting—

 

NATHAN

Thanks, laters. (hangs up)

 

HEATHER

Nathan? Nathan? Idiot.

 

 

END OF EPISODE

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[Chainsaw Enema]

Man, chocolate is one dangerous weapon.