Parapraxis

The Onyx gang is having a little 'foot in mouth' issues--or, perhaps its a parapraxis...

 

INT. WEAVER ABODE, NIGHT. DAVID, HEATHER, NATHAN, AMANDA are sitting around the living room talking.

 

NATHAN

Hey, Heather, I thought you did a real good job in that commercial shoot we did yesterday. Just wanted to say that.

 

HEATHER

Thanks, Nathan.

 

NATHAN

 I know I don’t compliment people that much, because there’s usually nothing to compliment but I’m trying to compliment people anyway so I figured I’d start with you.

 

HEATHER

(less sincere) Oh, wow, thanks.

 

AMANDA

Nathan, you’re an idiot.

 

NATHAN

What?

 

AMANDA

Point made.

 

DAVID

My brother has this dog and I was thinking there might be a good story or short bit in it.

 

AMANDA

Really how?

 

DAVID

Well, you know how people can get crotch rot? This little dog of his gets like crotch rot on its face. It’s the weirdest thing. I was just thinking there might be something there.

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

AMANDA

What do you mean by crotch rot?

 

HEATHER

He means jock itch. For some reason his family calls jock itch crotch rot.

 

NATHAN

Crotch rot? That is nasty.

 

HEATHER

Yeah, crotch rot—it sounds so… delicious! (laughs to self and shakes head)

 

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

HEATHER

What? Why is everyone staring at me funny like I just told a 9/11 joke?

 

DAVID

You just said crotch rot sounds delicious.

 

HEATHER

Um, no I didn’t.

 

NATHAN

Yeah, ya did.

 

AMANDA

For the first time in my life, I’m gonna agree with Nathan—you did.

 

HEATHER

No, I didn’t. I mean seriously, why would I say that?

 

NATHAN

Maybe it was a parapraxis?

 

DAVID

A what?

 

AMANDA

A parapraxis can be like a slip of the tongue that actually conveys the inner thoughts or ulterior motives of the individual.

 

HEATHER

So, like what you’re saying is that I think jock itch is delicious? That’s what you’re saying.

 

NATHAN

No, it could just be that you think the term crotch rot sounds delicious.

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

HEATHER

Well, I don’t think it sounds disgusting.

 

DAVID

Oh, you don’t think it sounds disgusting?

 

HEATHER

No, I do think it sounds disgusting—I don’t think it sounds delicious.

 

AMANADA

But you just said that you didn’t think it sounds disgusting.

 

HEATHER

No, I didn’t!

 

NATHAN

Yep, I think that seals it. Heather thinks crotch rot sounds delicious.

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

HEATHER

This is stupid.

 

NATHAN

Anyway, anybody hungry? I’m starving!

 

EVERYONE stares at NATHAN.

 

AMANDA

And what is that suppose to mean?

 

NATHAN

What, what?

 

DAVID

You are sick, Nathan. Sick.

 

HEATHER

And I thought I was bad?

 

EVERYONE gets up and walks away.

 

NATHAN

What? What did I say?

 

 

END SCENE.

 

Author's Note

The "crotch rot" thing actually came up in a business meeting, just the way David brings it up here. And then Heather started explaining it, as she does here. And then she had her "parapraxis" and we all busted up laughing. Our sides hurt soo bad. Oh, wow. Priceless.

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