McDaniels - The McPilot

This is the Pilot for my sitcom revolving around working in fast food. Check out other episodes and scenes on my profile.

 

McDaniel’s: The McPilot

By Nathan Weaver

 

EXT. MCDANIELS, MORNING. CUT.

 

INT. MCDDANIELS, THE OFFICE; MOMENTS LATER. MICKEY is doing some work, TURK comes in with BRANDY. TURK is dressed in uniform, dyed-blonde hair under hat and rough facial hair.  BRANDY is black pants and a long-sleeve shirt.

 

TURK

Mickey, the newbie is here.

 

MICKEY

Hey, Brandy. Welcome to McDaniel’s, you are now officially an employee. Oh, here… (grabs a dirty, old uniform polo and toss it to her) put this on.

 

BRANDY

But it’s old and dirty and it smells… and it’s hard.

 

MICKEY

I know, that’s the grease. Walk this way.

 

MICKEY exits office; BRANDY smells the shirt one more time and then follows after MICKEY. CUT.

 

INT. KITCHEN; moments later. We now are following them through the kitchen with handheld camera work. MICKEY is giving BRANDY the ropes. During this BRANDY is having a hard time keeping up and is also trying to put the polo shirt on over her long-sleeve shirt and keep up at the same time.

 

MICKEY

This is the kitchen. You’re a waitress, so technically you should never need to be in here much, but you will be. As a team, sometimes we ask you to do things to help out with others (points to FLICK); that’s Flick, he’s a cook.

 

FLICK

Hey, I’m Flick.

 

BRANDY

I’m Brandy.

 

She stops to shake FLICK’S hand, but he turns away to work and MICKEY continues walking so she runs to catch-up as she finished pulling her shirt on. They are at the front counter now.

 

MICKEY

This is the front counter, obviously. You will learn to use this particular register today. If there is money missing from the drawer at the end of your shift, you will be held accountable and the money will be taken out of your paycheck. This is your register for the day; guard it with your life. No one else can use it but you.

 

BRANDY

So, why—

 

MICKEY

This way please.

 

They walk over to the WAIT STATION.

 

MICKEY

This is the wait station. When you aren’t out there in the lobby, you’re back here getting refills, washing cups, sorting silverware and putting it in napkins or making ice tea. When you aren’t here, you’re at your register. When you aren’t there, you’re in the freezer refilling stuff for the salad bar. When you’re in none of these places, you’re presumed missing. If you want to take a dump or pee, you will report to someone before you do so or we will run around with our heads cut off looking for you until you get out. And then, we’ll be annoyed that we didn’t know where you were. Natalie should be here shortly, she’ll fill you in on the rest.  Questions?

 

BRANDY

Yeah.

 

MICKEY

Well?

 

BRANDY

Why do you call the cook Flick?

 

MICKEY

That’s his name.

 

BRANDY

Oh…

 

MICKEY

Any more questions?

 

BRANDY

Not yet.

 

 

MICKEY

Good.

 

NATALIE enters the restaurant.

 

NATALIE

I need a new roommie!  I totally just kicked my roommate out onto the street.

 

BRANDY

Oh, I’m looking for a place. I’d be interested.

 

NATALIE

Alright, you’re my new roomie—oh, hey, do I know you?

 

BRANDY

No, I’m new. I’m Brandy.

 

NATALIE
Sure, you’re hired. (shakes BRANDY’S hand) I’m Natalie and you’re my new roommie. I’ll take you by the abode after the shift. Have you ever worked in fast food?

 

BRANDY

No.

 

NATALIE

Oh, well, the gods will be pleased. (smells the shirt) Dude, that shirt reeks.

 

END SCENE.

 

OPENING CREDITS.

 

EXT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME; AFTERNOON. Two cars pull up. CUT.

 

INT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME; MOMENTS LATER. NATALIE walks in with BRANDY following. They are still in uniform.

 

NATALIE

Well, this is the pad.

 

BRANDY

Nice. I like it. And it’s a two bedroom, you said?

 

NATALIE

Yep, and all you have to do is share half the load.

 

They enter the kitchen.

NATALIE

So, this is the kitchen, pretty standard obviously.

 

BRANDY

What went wrong with your previous roommate?

 

NATALIE

She was a vampire.

 

BRANDY

(laughs) Like one of those wannabes? A real Goth?

 

NATALIE

Nope, like the real thing.

 

BRANDY

What are you trying to say?

 

NATALIE

All I have to say is you don’t have to worry; so long as you aren’t an undead or immortal we should get along just fine.

 

NATALIE sees a wooden stake sitting in the sink and picks it up.

 

NATALIE

Oops, sorry, I can’t believe I left that just sitting out. (she puts it in a drawer) So, on to the rest of the house?

 

They walk back into the living room. NATALIE notices something out the window.

 

NATALIE

(annoyed) Oh, great. New neighbors. I was hoping that house would remain empty for as long as possible.

 

NATALIE looks out the window. BRANDY joins her.

 

BRANDY

(happy) Oh, sweet, new neighbors. We gotta go greet them.

 

NATALIE

No, Brandy. If you make the first move, it means you’re obligated to them.

 

BRANDY

No it doesn’t. 

 

NATALIE

Oh, yes it does.

 

BRANDY

Besides, I don’t wanna be a recluse.

 

NATALIE

It’s not about being a recluse; it’s about being left alone. It’s about not being annoyed every time you come home.

 

BRANDY

Natalie, it is our civic duty to greet the new neighbors. You know, to be neighborly.

 

NATALIE

That whole civic duty thing went out with the window with the 50s and bobbysoxers.

 

BRANDY

We are not going to be the weird people on the block.

 

NATALIE

Somehow I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. If you really want to, I’ll let you make this mistake, but I will never let you live it down.

 

BRANDY

Alright, good. Do you have any fruit?

 

NATALIE

Yes, why?

 

BRANDY

It’s customary to give a fruit basket.

 

NATALIE

Great, now we’re giving them free food? This really can’t end well.

 

CUT to DOOR. DOOR opens and we see NATALIE and BRANDY standing on the porch. NATALIE does not look amused; BRANDY has on her best neighborly face.

 

BRANDY

Hello, new neighbor! Welcome to the neighborhood! (holds out a Tupperware thing of fruit) Here’s a baske—Tupperware of fruit.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

(hillbilly, overbearing) Well, hello, neighbors! Thanks for the fruits!

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY takes fruit.

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Why don’t you all come on over Wednesday night? We’ll have a service here in the basement.

 

BRANDY

Oh, really? A service? Like church and all that?

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Sorta; we worship the Devil.

 

BRANDY’S smile fades to shock.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

You know, Satan? Lucifer? Heard of him?

 

AWKWARD PAUSE. CUT.

 

INT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME, MOMENTS LATER. BRANDY bursts through the door entering the living room. NATALIE follows behind her.

 

BRANDY

No, no, NO! I will not go to some Satanic ritual. I’m not doing it!

 

NATALIE

(shutting the door) But, you put your first foot forward; now we’re obligated.

 

BRANDY

I’m not obligated to do jack squat.

 

NATALIE

This is exactly what I was warning you against. You put your foot forward and they think we’re friends. If we don’t go to this gig—

 

BRANDY

Gig?! It’s not a gig. Its devil worship!

 

NATALIE

Yes, yes… but if we don’t go, then it will always be awkward when we come home. We can never relax.

 

BRANDY

If I go to that, I’ll never sleep at night.

NATALIE

Besides, if they wanna worship a devil, that’s their right, right?

 

BRANDY

We’re not talking about rights of freedom; we’re talking about satanic rites! There’s a big difference.

 

NATALIE

Do you really wanna tick off a bunch of hillbilly, devil worshipers?

 

BRANDY

(reluctantly) No…

 

NATALIE

Then, we’ll go to the gig—

 

BRANDY

Devil worship! Don’t downplay it.

 

NATALIE

Whatever—we’ll go the devil worship once and then make up excuses for the rest of them. Sound fair?

 

BRANDY

I guess.

 

PAUSE.

 

BRANDY

But I really don’t wanna worship the devil.

 

NATALIE

We’re not worshipping, we’re just—observing.

 

BRANDY

Great, so now we’re devil observers?!

 

NATALIE

You know what I mean. We’re just there to watch and then we’re gone. And that’s it.  No more.

 

BRANDY

This is stupid. Why can’t we just kill them like you did your last roommate?

 

NATALIE

What?

 

BRANDY

The wooden stake, the vampire? I’m not stupid.

 

NATALIE

Hey, what happens in this house stays in this house—or, 6 feet under it.

 

BRANDY

Eew, really?

 

NATALIE

Well, what else was I suppose to do with it?

 

BRANDY

I guess.

 

NATALIE

And no, we can’t kill the neighbors. They’re human, my roommate wasn’t.

 

BRANDY

How do you sleep at night?

 

NATALIE

On my back, grasping a clove of garlic and crucifix under my blanket. You?

 

BRANDY

On my side, gripping a pistol under my pillow.

 

NATALIE

So, is it safe to say you’re on human duty and I’m on immortal duty?

 

BRANDY

Sounds fair. I get any snooping devil worshippers—

 

NATALIE

And I get any spirits they may conjure up.

 

BRANDY

Right on.

 

NATALIE

Perfection. Welcome home.

 

BRANDY

I guess so. Cool.

 

CUT.

 

EXT. MCDANIELS, DAYTIME—NEXT DAY. CUT.

 

INT. MCDANIELS, MOMENTS LATER—THE OFFICE. BRANDY is sitting in a chair. MICKEY is placing a VHS tape into a VCR.

 

MICKEY

Alright, Brandy, sorry you didn’t get to see this yesterday—I couldn’t find it anywhere. This is our training video. After this, you will be a bona fide McEmployee. (laughs a bit) Questions?

 

BRANDY

Nope.

 

MICKEY

Great!

 

With that MICKEY darts out the door.

 

BRANDY

Oh, wait—never mind.

 

The video begins with cheesy, outdated music. BRANDY makes an expression of concern; CAMERA slowly pans in on the television set. Graphic proudly states, “WELCOME TO MCDANIELS.” Graphic goes away and we see a perky looking employee (JOEY) standing in a MCDANIELS restaurant.

 

JOEY

(insanely perky) Hi, I’m Joey and McWelcome to McDaniels! If you’re watching this video, you just done got yourself McHired. Now, I’m sure there are a thousand McQuestions going through your head right now: how do I make a McPerfect McPizza? How do I make the McCustomer feel at McHome? How am I gonna pay child support making a measly $2.14 an hour? And most importantly, what exactly does it mean to be a McEmployee? Well, I’m glad you asked, my McFriend! And since you did, I’ll tell you. The answers are: the McPerfect McPizza is made with love and a pinch of heaven, you make the McCustomer feel at McHome by being a true McEmployee which involves being very McFriendly and lastly and quite frankly you won’t be able to make your child support payments on a measly $2.14; you’ll have to get a second job. But for that last question, let’s really take our time to answer that one. Come with me…

 

JOEY walks off-camera. CUT.

 

INT. WAIT STATION; LATER. NATALIE is rolling silverware in napkins; BRANDY comes up. She is exhausted from the video.

 

BRANDY

Why? Why did I have to watch that video?

 

 

NATALIE

You had to watch the video? What did you do? The gods must not be happy.

 

BRANDY

What is it with you and gods?

 

NATALIE

I like to think that there are fast food gods and they punish us when we do wrong and bless us when we do well. It’s the only way any of this can make sense. If I was to find out there was no meaning to it all, I’d lie down on the oven and cook myself. I’m sorry you had to watch the training video; I thought I’d hid that for good this time. I wonder what Mickey could have been doing in the sewer that he would have found it.

 

CUT to SEWER, it opens and MICKEY climbs down the latter with a pizza in hand. He looks around in the darkness.

 

MICKEY

Are you there? It’s me, Mickey.

 

THING VOICE

(from darkness) Did you bring it like I asked?

 

MICKEY

(gulps) Yes, large and pepperoni; just as you required.

 

THING VOICE

(stepping partially into the light) Give it here.

 

MICKEY

(gives pizza) Is that all?

 

THING VOICE

No, here. (hands training video) Someone tried to dispose of the training video.

 

MICKEY

Oh… thanks.

 

THING VOICE

You are showing it to all the new employees as I required?

 

MICKEY

Yes, just as you said.

 

THING VOICE

Good.

 

BEAT.

 

MICKEY

Let me see you’re face.

 

THING VOICE

NO! Turn away, I’m hideous!

 

CUT back to the WAIT STATION.

 

BRANDY

Have you guys ever considered a protest against the training video? It may work.

 

NATALIE

You mean, like going on strike?

 

BRANDY

Yeah, that’ll show management.

 

NATALIE
No, they would just hire a bunch of high school kids to replace us. We’re pretty dispensable.

 

BRANDY

True. Well, what about a petition?

 

NATALIE

You know what; it’s so immature it just might work.

 

BRANDY

What?

 

NATALIE

Nothing, let’s do it.

 

EXT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME, NIGHT. CUT.

 

INT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME, MOMENTS LATER—LIVING ROOM.

 

NATALIE

So, what do you wear to a devil worship service? I mean, do you wear something formal in respect or do you just go casual?

 

BRANDY

Respect? It’s the devil! I’m going casual.

 

NATALIE

True, Satan wouldn’t dress up if people were worshipping us. (BEAT) Alright, let’s rock and roll.

 

CUT to DOOR, it opens to BRANDY and NATALIE. This time NATALIE is the one trying to be nice and BRANDY is the irritated looking one. MIDDLE-AGED LADY is in a bathrobe.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Well, hello, neighbors! Glad you could make it? Oh, you guys aren’t wearing that, are you?

 

NATALIE

Um, yeah…

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Oh,okay… oh, well—come on in!

 

CUT to BASEMENT, MOMENTS LATER. MIDDLE-AGED LADY shows them to the steps and BRANDY and NATALIE enter the basement by themselves. They make their way to a couch to sit on. There are candles lit everywhere and couches and sits in a circle around the candles.

 

BRANDY

Where does she get off making fun of our attire? She’s wearing a bathrobe for Pete’s sake.

 

NATALIE

Just flow with it, Brandy. In and out. That’s the key. In and out.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY and the REST OF THE CONGREGATION enter from the steps and come down. THEY are all dressed in bathrobes. They enter the circle, standing.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Everybody this is an exciting night, because our new neighbors are with us tonight! Everyone make them feel welcome.

 

THE CONGREGATION (mostly made up of middle-aged and/or ugly looking folk) come over and begin to hug on them.

 

CONGREGATION MEMBERS

(adlibs) Hi; welcome; you are loved; etc, etc.

 

NATALIE

(adlibs) Hi, I’m Natalie… (gets hugged) Oh, hugging, yeah… ‘kay; etc, etc.

 

BRANDY

(adlibs) My name is Mary. Mary, that’s my name. Hi, how’s it going? Done hugging, huh? Yeah, okay… thank; etc, etc.

 

MIDDLE-AGED LADY

Okay, people, first things first… let’s start the music service!

 

A member walks over and turns on a CD, it begins playing a perky (possibly bluegrass) song. ALL THE MEMBERS then disrobe revealing their naked bodies (this is done with shots of the naked ankles, there is no actual nudity). We see a shot of someone’s naked ankles being revealed by a dropping robe around the feet and in the background we see BRANDY and NATALIE in shock. The members dance around, jumping and dancing.  CLOSE-UP on BRANDY and NATALIE for the homage to “Rosemary’s Baby.”

 

BRANDY

This is no dream…

 

NATALIE

This is really happening!

 

CUT.

 

INT. SEWER, NIGHT. MICKEY enters the sewer and climbs down the latter.

 

MICKEY

Hello? It’s Mickey again.

 

THING VOICE

What do you want?

 

MICKEY

It’s about the training video… they took a petition.

 

THING VOICE

Who are they?

 

MICKEY

The employees—I mean, McEmployees, sir.

 

THING VOICE

Well, what is this petition?!

 

MICKEY

It seems no one wants your training video. They say it is outdated and… 

 

THING VOICE

And what?

 

MICKEY

Keep in mind these are mostly high school kids.

 

THING VOICE

WHAT?!

 

MICKEY

They say its lame, sir.

 

THING VOICE

LAME IS IT?! We’ll see how lame it is when I kill them all and burn McDaniels!

 

MICKEY

That seems a little over-the-top, doesn’t it?

 

THING VOICE

Perhaps. (beat) What do you think, Mickey?

 

MICKEY

(nervous) Um, I’m not inclined to say.

 

THING VOICE

(angry) Tell me!

 

MICKEY

It seems a little, maybe just a tad-bit—minuscule amount, mind you—outdated?

 

THING VOICE

(sighs) Perhaps, I am. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sun. (sighs harder) I will leave you. I will return no more.

 

THING starts to walk away into the darkness.

 

MICKEY

Wait! Just this one time—let me see your face.

 

THING VOICE

This is it, and then it’s over. An era ends and a new one begins.

 

THING steps into the light and reveals his face. An overly dramatic score accompanies this build up. We see that half of his face is much disfigured, but the untouched side looks very familiar. It’s JOEY from the training videos.

 

MICKEY

Joey, from the videos, it’s you! What happened?

 

THING/JOEY

It’s true. I am Joey. Shortly after filming that training video, there was the Grease Fire of ’82.

 

MICKEY

I remember. Management speaks of it sometimes.

 

THING/JOEY

Management, hmph! I was the FACE of McDaniels! But look at this? LOOK AT THIS FACE?! I can only half smile now, see? (smiles, only the good side smiles—the other side stays in a disfigured frown) It was the worst fire any franchise had ever seen. But it was good, Management said, because there were no fatalities. Well, what about me?! Was I not a fatality?! My life was ruined that day. Curse Management. Curse McDaniels. Curse your high school kids. Curse the world!

 

MICKEY

Again, I think you’re taking it a little over-the-top.

 

THING/JOEY

Perhaps.

 

MICKEY

(places hand on JOEY’S shoulder) I think you’re wonderful, Joey. You will be missed in my heart.

 

THING/JOEY

What are you gay, now?

 

MICKEY

(removing hand) No, I’m totally heterosexual.

 

THING/JOEY

Then don’t go all Lifetime on me.

 

MICKEY

Hey, you’re pretty melodramatic all the time.

 

THING/JOEY

What you see my face and now you can talk to me anyway you want!?

 

MICKEY

(hangs head) No, sir.

 

THING/JOEY

That’s right. Don’t you have a restaurant to run?

 

MICKEY

Yes, sir.

 

THING/JOEY

Get lost.

 

MICKEY

So, I’ll never see you again?

 

THING/JOEY

You with the gay thing again!? Let it go!

 

MICKEY

FINE—Ugh!

 

MICKEY climbs out of the sewer and closes it. CUT.

 

EXT. McDANIELS, DAYTIME. 

 

MICKEY VOICE OVER (VO)

I have good news.

 

INT. McDANIELS. MICKEY speaks to NATALIE and BRANDY.

 

MICKEY

Just FYI. In response to the—(rolls eyes)—petition. We no longer have to watch the training video.

 

NATALIE

Really? Like never again and all that?

 

MICKEY

Yeah, Natalie, like never again and all that.

 

MUSIC that is used for the Devil Worship dancing starts and NATALIE and BRANDY then erupt into the Devil Dance—except this time we get to see the silly dance, since they’re fully clothed. MICKEY watches them, awkwardly for a moment and then walks away.

 

CUT.

 

END EPISODE.

 

EXT. NATALIE/BRANDY HOME, NIGHT. END CREDITS roll over screen during this final scene:

 

BRANDY VO

Natalie—are you awake?

 

NATALIE VO

Yes.

 

BRANDY VO

What if we get attacked by zombies?

 

NATALIE VO

Then we blow their heads off.

 

BRANDY VO

Thank you, Natalie.

 

PAUSE.

 

BRANDY VO

Natalie—are you still awake?

 

NATALIE VO

Yes.

 

BRANDY VO

What if I get infected by the zombies?

 

NATALIE VO

Then I’ll blow your head off.

 

BRANDY VO

Thank you, Natalie. Good night.

 

NATALIE VO

Good night, Brandy.

 

BRANDY VO

Good night, Jon Boy.

 

 

THE END

 

Author's Note

I don't think I'm 100% satisfied with this pilot yet. I'm gonna let it sit for a while and come back and read it fresh. Feedback welcome.

Reviews

[Nathan Weaver]

I do think I will bring Joey/Thing back from time to time. After all, I hear Andrew Lloyd Weber is working on a sequel to "The Phantom of the Opera" right now anyway... I'm sure that will give me some material.

[Chainsaw Enema]

A little bit more silly than the other episode I read, but it's a good funny silly. I like absurd humor and you nailed it right on the hammer......wait...that isn't how that saying goes. Whatever. You know what I mean. I like the whole sewer dwelling bit, and think it would be funny to have him return every now and again.

Please post more then (yes, I am greedy).