Two Hosts and a Model: New Year Flop Special

It's actually a teleplay. This is a Daily Show meets sitcom meets sketch comedy meets variety show. It's pretty unique, or at least we like to think it is.

 

Two Hosts and a Model

The New Year Flop Special

 

DISCLAIMER.

 

BEN

Hello, I’m Benjamin Little and you are about to watch a live broadcast of “Two Hosts and a Model” and although in the past we have tried to keep the show family friendly, we are live and anything could happen. Therefore, we advise parental discretion. We also advise you not to carry your pin number with your ATM card nor to walk alone in dark alleys and to always look both ways while crossing the street, even if the little white dude says it’s all good. I mean, come on, hasn’t the white man burned you enough, already? But, then again we also advise that you give us money, but we don’t think you’ll do that either. Peace and love, ya hippies, and enjoy the show.

 

CUT.

 

(possibly set to stills/clips from the old show and reunion special; place script as an elderly British male voice—Gandalf—but done like a crime documentary)

 

NARRATOR VO

A few years ago and in a frame of mind far, far away…

 

A television show was born in the most unlikely of places, the existence of which was hidden from the people for fear it was cause a panic. The show’s purpose was to expose a conspiracy reaching far deeper than anyone could imagine; deep into the seedy underground known as Political Correctness and Common Sense. A conspiracy to make good and worthwhile television shows; a norm this show was not willing to conform to…

 

This show was Two Hosts and a Model and it reeked of stank. It hurt with passion. It burned with a desire to rewrite the wrongs of all the rights that were ever accomplished in the medium of television. A task not easy to accomplish, a goal easy to miss, an outcome worth achieving and even if it meant selling out to cheesy and melodramatic measures…

 

But trouble was brewing on the set of Two Hosts and a Model; one or more of its members were not who they seemed to be. The dark forces of quality entertainment were rearing their gorgeous heads into quintessential filth. The power of quality was growing, weakening the stronghold of the flop Two Hosts and a Model was intended to be. Could it be the show might actually become quality entertainment? It seemed as if the fate of the galaxy rested in the hands of one incompetent young man…

 

CROSS-DISSOLVE into a funny image of GARY doing something ridiculous and looking like a bumbling idiot. ROLL OPENING CREDITS. For the opening credits, what about doing a parody of The Macarena music video. The Hosts are the guy singers and the Models and Johnny are the girl singers/dancers. OR “Walk it Out”. OR evening news type opener. OR random headshot opener to peppy, nostalgic music.

 

INT. THE NEWSROOM. NATHAN is sitting behind the desk with a sweet background blue-screened behind them.

 

NATHAN

Hi and welcome to the show! I’m Nathan Weaver, your host for the evening. Benjamin Little, my co-host, thus the title “TWO HOSTS and a Model”, could not be with us live this evening. We are excited, I must say, to be going live for the first time since… ever. Although, we’re not quite sure why we decided to do it. And I’ll explain why. You see, “Two Hosts and a Model” started out as a student project in 2003, it lasted for 8 months with 8 episodes. That’s right, only one episode a month. The show more or less—oh, I don’t know—sucked! So, needless to say, putting the spin on it live now is kind of like inviting demons on the show… for an interview and assuming everything is going to go smoothly. I mean let’s face it, those demons are gonna get crafty. Well, no, that wasn’t quite what I was going for. It’s more like this… “Two Hosts and a Model” is an aging grape juice. Not wine, grape juice. So, it’s got like mold all over the top and it doesn’t taste very good and… it’s not like a finely aged wine that tastes good. Actually, I don’t even drink wine; but I guess what I’m trying to say is that… if we give it time this show may eventually be… tasty. (beat) That really didn’t help. So, with those thoughts in mind, let’s introduce our guest host for the evening. (enter GARY) This is Gary Chirban, he’s making his first appearance as a host on the show. Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself, Gary?

 

GARY

Um, well, basically, I uh… well, I’ve had lots of jobs. I’m just kinda playing the field a little. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life by… well, by doing things. Trying new things. I’ve been a janitor and a pizza delivery boy and a waiter and a groundskeeper and an acting agent and an elephant stand-in and—

 

NATHAN

An elephant stand-in?

 

GARY

It was for a circus. Those elephants can’t work non-stop. Union rules and all that. So, sometimes they have stand-ins for the elephants.

 

NATHAN

Oh, like during rehearsals?

 

GARY

Uh, well, yeah that too.

 

NATHAN

You mean you were actually standing in for an elephant during a live act, in front of a live audience?

 

GARY

Yeah, a few times.

 

NATHAN

How did that go?

 

GARY

Not as well as I’d hoped. My trunk kept falling off.

 

NATHAN

So, you were like in an elephant outfit and all that?

 

GARY

Yeah.

 

NATHAN

Wow, these visuals are bad.

 

GARY

Anyway, I’ve done a lot and so Nathan asked me to do this and I thought, why not?

 

NATHAN

Thanks, Gary. That helps with the professionalism of the show.

 

GARY

No problem.

 

IN THE FIELD…

 

NATHAN

Well, we hope you’re watching, though we’re not sure why you would be. I’d rather be asleep, personally. Now, let’s do something we often do here at the show. Let’s go out into the Field to our Freshman Field Reporter.

 

AMANDA

Good evening, I’m Amanda Kriengstad. Good evening, Gary and Nathan.

 

NATHAN

Amanda, I know you’re a rookie, but the order is Nathan than Gary. Just FYI.

 

AMANDA

Sure.

 

GARY

Is your last name really Koogensgiort—or whatever that was?

 

AMANDA

It’s Kriengstad, and yes, it is my real name.

 

NATHAN

That’s a terrible stage name. You should consider changing it to something easier. Like, oh I don’t know, Duvall or something. Yeah, that’s good. Amanda Duvall.

 

GARY

Yeah, Amanda Duvall, it rolls off the tongue well.

 

NATHAN

And people might think you’re related to Robert Duvall. That could help your career.

 

AMANDA

I’m not changing my name.

 

NATHAN

So, Amanda Duvall, how are things going out in the field?

 

AMANDA

Um… well… I’m not sure I know what you mean.

 

GARY

Let me get this one, dude. You’re in the field, right?

 

AMANDA

Not really.

 

NATHAN

What’s around you?

 

AMANDA

Nothing.

 

GARY

She’s not playing well.

 

NATHAN

Anything important we need to know about? Anything big going down in the field?

 

AMANDA

No, I can’t say that anything important is going on at all where I am.

 

GARY

But you’re a reporter and you’re in the field?! Cover something.

 

NATHAN

What is there to report in the field, Amanda Duvall?

 

AMANDA

It’s Kriengstad and there is nothing to report in the—wait a minute…

 

GARY/NATHAN

Awesome! (high fives, etc) Did you see the look on her face; sweet, etc. (adlibs)

 

AMANDA

I’m in a field?

 

NATHAN

It’s a pun.

 

AMANDA

Yeah, I get it. I’m an English major.

 

GARY

Yeah, you got punned.

 

NATHAN

Yeah, that was some major—punishment!

 

GARY/NATHAN laugh and adlib to stupid joke. CUT to AMANDA.

 

AMANDA

So, you want me to cover what’s going on, huh? I’ll cover what’s going on. I’ll give you a report. I’m standing in a field, at night and it’s cold because it’s winter in Missouri. You men are inside where it’s nice and warm. And the woman is outside in the cold… to be laughed at. I think I smell something—oh, what is that? (sniffs, sniffs) OH, I recognize that smell. I’d never misplace it anywhere. It smells like a sexual harassment lawsuit.

 

CUT back to NATHAN/GARY. THEY are no longer laughing.

 

NATHAN

Um, we’ve done this to a dude, too.

 

GARY

Yeah, it’s not a sexual harassment thing.

 

AMANDA

That’s what it smells like to me.

 

NATHAN

Well, why don’t you come on back to the studio, then? And Camera Man, actually bring her back. No funny business like we do with Johnny Mello.

 

AMANDA

That’s right. And I think I should be a co-host. The show needs a woman in the anchor position. I was a news anchor for a public access station in Arkansas after all; I have the experience and know-how.

 

GARY

A public access station in Arkansas, that’s supposed to impress us?

 

AMANDA

Did you even read my resume?

 

FLASHBACK, BATHROOM. NATHAN is in the stall and GARY is reading the resume.

 

NATHAN

Great! No toilet paper. Gary, would you give me a few pages of that resume?

 

GARY

No, I like it.

 

NATHAN

Gary, you can’t even read!

 

GARY

Fine, I’ll give you the reference page, but that’s it.

 

BACK TO PRESENT. GARY and NATHAN are looking frightened to answer.

 

NATHAN

(clears throat)

We looked at it.

 

AMANDA

I’m coming to the studio. We need to talk.

 

GARY

Well, that went well.

 

NATHAN

That was Amanda Kriengstad, in the field.

 

SARA’S FIRST SCENE

NATHAN: We now turn to Sara, because she was complaining that she wasn’t getting enough screen time. Sara, how ya doing?

 

SARA: I’m doing fine, Nathan. Thanks for that little intro; that was nice.

 

NATHAN: No problem; anytime. Sara is going to give us a LIVE update at this time.

 

AWKWARD PAUSE.

 

SARA: Nobody said anything about a live update. I thought I was just gonna point at things and look drop-dead gorgeous.

 

NATHAN: This isn’t a fashion show, Sara. This is a news show. We need an update.

 

SARA: I don’t have any stinking update. Besides, I really think you are turning the show into something it never really was. The original show was an hour long and only the first 10 minutes had news segments and the rest of it was just filler.

 

NATHAN: Wait—what’s different? You look different? Did you remove a pimple? Gain wait?

 

SARAH: No.

 

NATHAN: (to GARY) Doesn’t she look different?

 

GARY: I wasn’t in the original show, I wouldn’t know.

 

NATHAN: (to control room) Hey, do we have a picture of Sara from 2003? Let’s bring that up on the blue screen.

 

PICTURE of SARA from 2003 appears on screen behind them. THEY move out of the way and stand so they can point at the picture and such.

 

GARY: Yeah, you’re right, there is something different.

 

NATHAN: Yeah, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

GARY: Did you have a nose job?

 

SARA: No.

 

NATHAN: B**b job?

 

SARA: NO.

 

NATHAN: Well, you had some kinda job done. You can’t tell me nothing’s changed here.

 

SARA: Okay, fine… I’m a brunette.

 

NATHAN: (looking at picture) No, you’re a blonde.

 

SARA: No, I know I was blonde back then, but I’m a brunette now. I dyed my hair. Naturally, I’m a blonde, but now I’m a brunette. (emphasizes hair)

 

GARY: I don’t know. You’re still coming across as a blonde.

 

(SARA sighs)

 

SARA: Can I go off set now? I need a smoke.

 

NATHAN: Since when do you smoke cigarettes?

 

SARA: I don’t.

 

GARY: Then what? Cigars? Pipe?

 

SARA: Do you really want me to say? This is a family show after all or has that changed, too?

 

NATHAN: Oh, great, innuendo.

 

SARA: Well, ya did say b**b a few moments ago.

 

NATHAN:  Right, this live thing is gonna kill us. 

 

GARY: We should take a commercial break before our sponsors call in and back out. 

 

NATHAN: We’ll be right back, folks. (beat) Good grief.

 

CUT to CHRIS doing “YOUR WEATHER RIGHT NOW”.

 

CHRIS

(peppy) It’s time for “Your Weather Right Now.” (points to state of Missouri) As you can see, the weather in Missouri is very cold right now. It was warm yesterday, but it’s cold today. (turns back to CAMERA) So, you’ll wanna make sure you bring a coat, it might rain. The weather is very bipolar out there—(seriously creepy)—like our relationship.

 

END SCENE. COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE.

 

BEHIND THE SCENES 1

INT. THE SET. MODELS and AMANDA come up to DAVID and NATHAN.

 

SARAH

So, what’s this we hear about there being sexism on the show?

 

RACHEL

Yeah, and when do I get some screen time?

 

AMANDA

Apparently, the boys have something against women. They won’t let women host the show, it’s gotta be a man.

 

NATHAN

First off, I never said that… in that specific word order. And secondly, there is no sexism on the show. We have nothing against women.

 

AMANDA

Then how come in the original conception of the series, you decided early on that you didn’t want Sara speaking on the show? Hm?

 

SARA

What? Is this true?

 

GARY

I told you online journals were a bad idea.

 

NATHAN

Yes, but… she’s totally taking it out of context. It’s that, well… after watching the pilot Ben and I realized you were funnier if you kept your mouth shut.

 

SARA

Oh?! So I’m not funny?!

 

NATHAN

No, Sara, you’re funny. You’re just funnier if you don’t talk.

 

SARA

While we’re airing our grievances; how come I wasn’t called upon for the reunion show? 

 

NATHAN

I didn’t know you were back in Rolla, I thought you were still in California.

 

SARA

DeWitt knew I was in town and I know how close the two of you can get.

 

GARY

Ouch.

 

RACHEL

Creepy.

 

NATHAN

Look, sure DeWitt and I talk. But we don’t really converse. I mean, we do yet we don’t. It’s complicated.

 

GARY

Hey, that’s a good point, though, if this show was so sexist why is it run by a woman?

 

RACHEL

Well played.

 

AMANDA

Yeah, yeah. But she’s not here, is she?

 

NATHAN

(creepy) Do you really believe that, Amanda? Do you?

 

CLOSE-UP of RACHEL, she turns and we see a small glimpse of DEWITT somewhere.

 

RACHEL
Wait! I think I just saw something. (moves away from the group) I’m gonna check it out.

 

EVERYBODY looks towards RACHEL as she leaves with a look of “Umm… this is real life not a horror film.”

 

AMANDA

Umm, Rachel, this is real life not a horror film.

 

NATHAN

(as if he understands it) Just… just let her go.

 

GARY

Yeah, if we’re lucky she’ll die off and our ratings will go up.

 

AMANDA

What?

 

GARY

I said—

 

NATHAN

(to GARY) Stop, that’s really not helping. Can we continue this discussion later? Our commercial break will be ending soon.

 

AMANDA

But we can’t just ignore this; we need a resolution before the end of the show.

 

GARY

Well, yeah, that’s just good writing.

 

AMANDA

No, I mean, if we finish the show without resolving it, then I’m gonna be a little peeved.

 

GARY

I know, I understand. (gestures)  But right now we’re in the rising action. We’ll get to the climax soon and then we’ll start down into the resolution and then you can be happy. It would be bad writing to resolve the conflict t right now.

 

SARA

This isn’t scripted, Gary. It’s real.

 

GARY

(laughs) Yeah, yeah, right. We’re sexist… (laughs a bit) Whatever. (walks off)

 

AMANDA and SARA stand in disbelief. CUT.

 

INT. THE NEWSROOM, MOMENTS LATER. CLOSE-UP on NATHAN.

 

NATHAN

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen; mucho emphasize on the ladies. We now come to a segment of the show we like to call Cross-Hairs.

 

CROSSHAIRS

CUT to FUNKY INTRO with graphics, titles and music. Possibly a voice over. CUT back to NATHAN and GARY in NEWSROOM. The background has the CROSS-HAIRS logo.

 

NATHAN

As we enter a new year, we don’t just enter any normal year. We enter a presidential election year. So, get your television sets ready for some good, old mudslinging. That’s right, propaganda and painful commercials. Like this one for example… (show a 30 second commercial done in the style of a presidential candidate ad, but with obvious high school student council candidate touches) Okay, that may not have been the best example, but you get the point. As the presidential election edges closer it seems more and more that the democrats are going to take back the White House. So, Gary, let’s get this Cross-Hairs started. What do you have to say to those who think this election is going to be a repeat of the mid-term elections? Democrats winning all across the board.

 

GARY

Thank you, Nathan. In the summer of 1947, witnesses claim to have seen an Unidentified Flying Object (or UFO), containing aliens from another planet, crash land on a sheep and cattle ranch near Roswell, New Mexico. The fact is these are the facts: It’s true. An alien life-form crash landed on our planet and the U.S. Air Force and Federal government have been covering it up ever since. Even more disturbing, 9 months later in the year of 1948, a few familiar political figures immerged from birth. Al Gore, former president Bill Clinton and wife Hillary Rodham-Clinton (one of our presidential candidates), John Kerry, Howard Dean, Barbra Boxer, Charles Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Barbra Streisand, Warren Beatty and Paris Hilton to name a few. This is what the government has been hiding from us. Liberals born from alien breeding with sheep. They plan to take over our world through political endeavors, massive egos and a lack of talent.

 

NATHAN

Well versed, my friend, but lacking.

 

GARY

Lacking what?

 

NATHAN

An ounce of truth. I mean come on, seriously; Paris Hilton, Bill Clinton and John Kerry and all those others you listed were not born in the same month of the same year.

 

GARY

Yes, they were.

 

NATHAN

Paris Hilton and Hillary Rodham-Clinton are not the same age!

 

GARY

That’s what they want you to think, Nathan! Just think about it, it makes sense.

 

NATHAN

Where did you get this ludicrous information?

 

GARY

I know this guy who secured this information from a very reliable source, (beat) who got it from another guy, who received it from his girlfriend who's brother knew this guy who works in a trucking agency with this other guy who used to be in the military who's commanding officer knew another guy who was sent into Somalia during the Clinton years and before he died he found out about the birthdates and wrote it all down. (beat) It came to me in one of those E-mail forwards. I forwarded it to you, actually; but after you read it you have to send it to 10 other friends that didn't receive it or the aliens win. You don't want the aliens to win, do you, Nathan? Well... do you?

 

NATHAN

That's ridiculous. Besides, how would I know who has received this stupid E-mail or not?

 

GARY

Do your homework, Nathan. Seriously. It's called journalism for a reason.

 

NATHAN

Oh, really, Gary? And why's that?

 

(PAUSE)

 

GARY

We don’t have time for me to explain it to your feeble mind. (laughs a little) Loser.

 

NATHAN

You are one miserable excuse for a homo sapien.

 

GARY

And you’re surprised, Nathan? Really, seriously, you’re surprised? Saaaaaaaaaaad.

 

NATHAN

(very slow) Bathe thyself thou artless, beefwitted apple-john.

 

GARY

What—

 

NATHAN

Ah, zip it!

 

GARY

But—

 

NATHAN

That’s all we’re saying on this.

 

GARY

But I’m not done—

 

NATHAN

Moving on! And changing the subject to something less annoying. So, since we are on the verge of a New Year, we are going to go ahead and share our New Year’s Resolutions. Go ahead, Gary, you start us off.

 

GARY

First off, I have several New Year’s Resolutions. Not just one, but granted they are all kind of interrelated. First, I will involve myself in the manhunt of the scientists who are aiding these extraterrestrials. These scientists are a threat to everyone everywhere and worthy adversaries. Secondly, I’m gonna spend more time in helping the efforts of my colleagues in uncovering human imposters. Yes, I know it’s shocking and hard to swallow. But there are aliens among us; they can transform their slimy, unearthly bodies into convincingly-looking human life forms. However, there is a trick to knowing for certain whether your crazily overbearing mother-in-law or outdated dad is alien or really lame. There is a flaw in the left palm. (points to left palm with right index finger to demonstrate) It’s hard to describe, but you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it. Anyway, I could go on and on, but you get my drift; basically, my New Year’s Resolution is to save the human race from genocide. Let’s see you beat that, Nathan.

 

NATHAN

Well, I won’t have to beat that, because this isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about sharing.

 

GARY

(laughs hysterically for a long time) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I win.

 

NATHAN

My New Year’s Resolution is to share. To share more of myself with others. To share myself with friends, with family, with my wife and my child. To spend more time just sharing moments that we will remember for years to come. To share moments that we will randomly mention when we are old and senile. To share advice, jokes, smiles and tears. But not just to share with people I know and love, but also to share with utter and complete strangers. To just share, share and share alike. To just share every chance I get. If I was walking down the street next year, sipping some diet something or the other to keep my girlish figure and some stranger asked me for a sip, I’d let them sip from it. And it wouldn’t matter if they were ugly or fat or even if they had very recently barfed all over themselves, I’d still share that drink with them and that moment. Oh, that moment. So, that’s my New Year’s resolution. To share.

 

GARY

You might as well just get the implant, Nathan. Because if you do half of what you just said, you are single-handedly supporting the extraterrestrial efforts. You’re practically just handing this island earth right over to ‘em. “Hey, Aliens! I’m a human, this is Earth, have at it!”

 

NATHAN

Gary! Not everything relates to your precious aliens.

 

GARY

Everything relates to the aliens, because they were here first.

 

NATHAN

(sighs)

 

GARY

We took their land and they’re here to take it back.

 

NATHAN

Gary, I think you’re confusing the aliens with Native Americans.

 

GARY

Oh, come on, Nathan. Look at the big picture here!

 

NATHAN

I think we need to stop.

 

GARY

Oh, I’m just getting started.

 

NATHAN

That’s what I’m afraid of. (beat) I can’t take you anywhere, you know that? (to audience) Well, Audience Member, we’re gonna send you out to Benjamin Little in Idaho for a segment all his own.

 

END SCENE. CUT.

 

BEN SUMS IT UP 1

INT. BEN’S OFFICE.

 

BEN

Now, I don’t know about the rest of the world, but every night I stand at the foot of my bed with one hand over my heart, the other behind my back and I “pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic FOR WHICH IT STANDS.” Which brings me to my next rant… I do not like how America has gone from a Republic to a Democracy. Now I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t actually know what the difference is between these two words, but I’m a Republican, so therefore I’m all about the Republic. Democracy just sounds a little too liberal for my tastes. It kind of reminds me of, oh, hmm? Democrats? You know what? I’m going to do something I almost never do. It goes against everything I believe in. (reaches below desk or over to bookshelf and picks up a huge book) I’m going to use a dictionary. I know, I know, shame on me. But it is about time to put this idiocy to rest, once and for all. (flips through pages) Republic, Republic… ah, there it is. Republic: “a state in which the head of government is not a monarch or other hereditary head of state.” Oh… that’s kinda vague. (clears throat) Well, let’s look at Democracy. Let’s see just how miserable this word is. Democracy, democracy… got it. Democracy: “a state of society characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges.” Oh… huh? Was this written by a Democrat? (looks at name on book) No… well, I guess Democracy isn’t a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t sound bad at all. Except that name. Tell you what, Mr. President; let’s switch those words around with the definitions. Let’s call our Democracy a Republic and the Republic a Democracy. There, now I can live with that. (beat) I’m Benjamin Little… and I just summed it up.

 

END SCENE.  CUT.

Catchphrases

INT. NEWSROOM. DAVID and NATHAN sitting behind desk, looking casual.

 

GARY: Hey, Nathan, I’ve been working on some journalistic catchphrases. I’ve got it narrowed down to three. Can I bounce them off you, get a second opinion?

 

NATHAN: Sure, Gary, but take some advice and don’t get caught up in the whole catchphrase fad. It’s really quite lame.

 

GARY: (seriously offended) It’s not a fad, Nathan. So, you gonna hear me out or what?

 

NATHAN: Sure, hit me.

 

GARY: Okay, here goes, “This is Gary Chriban reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Goodbye, everybody!” Pretty cool, right? Positive and productive!

 

NATHAN: That is soo Bob Barker, dude.

 

GARY: He can’t copyright advising to help control the pet population!

 

NATHAN: Maybe, maybe not. But the whole point in a catchphrase is originality, right?

 

GARY: Whatever… moving on. At the end of each episode, I look straight into the camera and say, “Until next time, America.”

 

NATHAN: (laughs, beat, stop) Are you serious?

 

GARY: Yeah, why? You don’t like it?

 

NATHAN: No, it’s just that, once again, that’s already been used.

 

GARY: Yeah, right. Who?

 

NATHAN: Maury Povich. 

 

GARY: Yeah, you’re making that up.

 

NATHAN: No, seriously, Maury Povich is a talk show host. He’s married to the broadcast journalist of whom we do not speak.

 

GARY: What?

 

NATHAN: You know the broadcast journalist of whom we do not speak?

 

GARY: You said that already; who are you talking about?

 

NATHAN: Well, we’re not supposed to say her name.

 

GARY: I gotta have names if you expect me to know who you’re talking about.

 

NATHAN: Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung.

 

GARY: (screams) That name! You broke the oath! Shame on you!

 

NATHAN: You told me to say it!

 

GARY: You shouldn’t be so easily accessible. I am surprised at you, Nathan Weaver.

 

NATHAN: Forget it.

 

GARY: We’re live! It’s out there, it’s done. You are finished. No one will ever hire you again. You can’t be trusted. 

 

NATHAN: Anyway, so that’s all you got?

 

GARY: Yeah. I worked hard on those, too.

 

NATHAN: Well, trust me, Gary. Catchphrases aren’t all their cracked up to be.

 

GARY: Okay, I guess you’re right.

 

NATHAN: And how. (to camera) Well we’re gonna go ahead and a take a commercial break at this time. But remember folks, No News is Good News. We’ll be right back.

 

GARY: (freaks out) What was that?! That was a blatant usage of a catchphrase! (mockingly) No news is good news.

 

NATHAN: It’s only a catchphrase if it sticks.

 

GARY: Oh, it sticks. It sticks so bad it stinks!

 

NATHAN: (to camera) Seriously this time, we’ll be right back.

 

END SCENE. CUT.

 

RACHEL’S HORROR SCENE

INT. BEHIND SET. RACHEL is creeping around, trying to find the thing. Every now and then a hooded-cloaked thing goes by in the background and startles her. She eventually comes up behind the thing.

 

RACHEL

Hey… who are you?

 

THING

(speaks in creepy voice)

I am no one.

 

RACHEL

Well, you’ve got to be somebody. (beat) Turn around.

 

THING

No.

 

RACHEL

I mean it; this is a closed set. Turn around, show yourself!

 

THING

You wouldn’t want that.

 

RACHEL

Why not?

 

THING

I’m hideous.

 

RACHEL

Oh, you can’t be that bad. You’re just being meek.

 

THING

No, you amateur. It’s not me. It’s the lighting, it’s awful.

 

RACHEL

Well, then let’s move over here where there’s better lighting.

 

THING

You wouldn’t want that, either.

 

RACHEL

Why?

 

THING

Because then I’d have to kill you.

 

PAUSE.

 

RACHEL

Why would you have to do that?

 

THING

Because I’m hungry… and you look tender.

 

RACHEL

Actually, I’m not… I, uh, like hardcore punk music and… and I don’t eat well. I’d probably be all gritty and stuff…

 

THING

Then leave me be… I need my rest.

 

RACHEL slowly starts backing away.

 

RACHEL

Okay, I’m leaving then. Hope you sleep well.

 

THING

I will sleep well enough. It’s you who need worry about sleep. Sweet dreams, Rachel…

 

RACHEL wonders off quickly. The CAMERA then pans over to reveal the face and it is DEWITT.

 

END SCENE. COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE.

 

THE MODEL VIEW

INT. SET. AMANDA, SARA and RACHEL are behind the “desk.” 

 

SARA

Hello and welcome to the show, lovely peeps.

 

RACHEL

Hey, I thought it was agreed that I was going to start us off?

 

SARA

It’s only natural that the cutest, most gorgeous model should start it off.

 

AMANDA

Girls, we’re live. Now, let’s set a standard. Let’s talk this out and handle it now. Sara, why don’t you tell Rachel why you dislike her?

 

SARA

Gladly, you’re only second best—you tried to replace me, which can’t be done. I’m way better than you are and you’re ugly.

 

AMANDA

Now, Rachel you tell Sara why you hate her.

 

RACHEL

You’re a stuck-up, stupid… (searches) idiot. And you’re mean and hateful… (emotionally upset) you called me ugly!

 

AMANDA

Now, Sara compliment Rachel.

 

SARA

There are no truthful compliments about Rachel.

 

AMANDA

Sara, there are too some good things about Rachel. Don’t stoop to the level of men. Let’s be honest with each other. We women have to be honest with each other, if we’re gonna make it. We’re practically extinct!

 

SARA

Okay… I like you’re hair.

 

RACHEL

Really?

 

SARA

Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

 

AMANDA

Now, Rachel compliment Sara.

 

RACHEL

I like Sara’s smile!

 

SARA

(flattered, bloated head)

Don’t we all?

 

THEY all laugh a bit.

 

AMANDA

Now, Sara and Rachel I want you to work your issues out right now. In less than a minute. Go!

 

SARA           RACHEL

I don’t really hate you--                                I’m just jealous I wasn’t picked first--

It just makes me mad that                        You’re really not that bad--

they thought I could be replaced.                I guess you’re okay.

 

BOTH

It’s nothing personal. (sigh)

 

SARA

Ah, it wasn’t personal?

 

RACHEL

You have nothing against me?

 

SARA

No, and you?

 

RACHEL

Same here.

 

SARA

I love you.

 

THEY hug.

 

RACHEL

I love you, too.

 

SARA

We could be like bosom buddies!

 

RACHEL

No, let’s be like sisters! I always wanted a little sister.

 

SARA

(serious) No.

 

RACHEL

(taken back) Oh, okay.

 

AMANDA

See? Don’t you feel better now?

 

BOTH

Yeah!

 

AMANDA

Good, now let’s start the show again.

 

SARA

(to Rachel) You do it.

 

RACHEL

(to Sara) No, you do it.

 

AMANDA

(serious) I’m doing it. (beat) Hello, and welcome to the show. Today on “The Model View”, we’ll be talking about men and taking your phone calls.

 

SARA

That’s right, and this is an all-girl club.

 

RACHEL

No boys allowed.

 

ALL

No sir, know how! (appears on-screen)

 

AMANDA

So, yeah, men. Let’s start with you Sara.

 

SARA

They’re stupid and selfish and dumb and stupid and irritating.

 

AMANDA

And Rachel?

 

RACHEL

Men are dumb as deer.

 

AMANDA

Okay… but can we discuss them?

 

SARA

What’s to discuss? They’re idiots.

 

RACHEL

Totally like losers and all that.

 

AMANDA

Let’s take a phone call. (beat) Hello, Daisy from Iowa, you’re on.

 

DAISY VOICE OVER

Hi, girls. I’ve got this boyfriend and he’s always late to our dates and he’s always forgetting our anniversary. He lives with his mom and he doesn’t work either. He just sits at home and plays World of Warcraft all day. What do I do?

 

ALL-THREE

Dump him.

 

DAISY VOICE OVER

Okay, thanks girls. I was thinking about it, I just needed a boost. I’ll dump him after his raid.

 

AMANDA

Whoa, what?

 

SARA

Yeah, what’s a raid?

 

DAISY VOICE OVER

Well, I’m not sure, but it’s something they do in his game. He’s got a raid right now and it goes for like three more hours or more. Depends on how long it takes them to kill the dragon-thingy.

 

RACHEL

Girl, you gotta put your foot down.

 

AMANDA

Rachel is absolutely right. Call him now and call it off. Make a statement while making a point.

 

DAISY VOICE OVER

Alright, I’ll call him!

 

SARA

You go girl!

 

DAISY VOICE OVER

Love ya, babes!

 

AMANDA

Okay, Daisy, that was borderline creepy. (beat) Next caller, June from Montana, you’re on.

 

JUNE VOICE OVER

Hey, I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you’re show and you girls are great. I watch you every time you come on.

 

SARA

Oh, no you didn’t—

 

RACHEL

Tisk, tisk.

 

AMANDA

June, you’re lying, this is our first episode. And, June, every time you lie the man wins a little extra ground. Sorry, can’t take you’re call. You can’t be trusted. (beat) Lindsey from Las Vegas, you’re on.

 

LINDSEY VOICE OVER

I just wanted to call and say that I love what you guys are doing. How did you convince those men to let you do this?

 

AMANDA

We didn’t convince them, Lindsey.

 

RACHEL

We locked them off of the set.

 

LINDSEY VOICE OVER

Oh, wow, you girls have guts!

 

SARA
Guts and style, too.

 

AMANDA

Yep, we’re a double whammy.

 

RACHEL

But there’s three of us, we’re like a trifecta!

 

SARA

Wow, Rachel, you’re vocabulary is progressing.

 

RACHEL

Thanks, I’ve been reading the dictionary.

 

AMANDA

Got anything else for us, Lindsey?

 

LINDSEY VOICE OVER

Nope, just keep up the good work, girls!

 

AMANDA

Thanks. (beat) Alright, Meg from Seattle, you’re on.

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

This is Nathan.

 

AMANDA

Sorry, Nathan, you’re a dude.

 

SARA

And this is the non-dude zone.

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Wait—wait, just a second. I wanna say a few things. There’s… there’s a few things I’ve been needing to get off my chest.

 

RACHEL

Really?

 

AMANDA

Like emotional baggage?

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Yeah… it’s just, I get so wrapped up in the show and being professional that I forget who I am and forget about others’ feelings. I know I’ve been an idiot—

 

AMANDA

Actually, I think jerk is the better word.

 

SARA

Actually, I can think of a lot of perfectly fitting words, but we’re live so I’ll keep my mouth shut.

 

RACHEL

Jerk will suffice, I guess.

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Anyway… I know I’ve been a jerk, but I really don’t mean it. I’m just a workaholic (crying) and I don’t wanna be, you know, but I just get so wrapped up in it and then I do and say things I don’t mean and I don’t mean to do it, it just happens, you know? And I don’t wanna be that guy, you know?

 

SARA

What do you mean “that guy”?

 

RACHEL

Yeah, don’t you mean you don’t wanna be a guy in general?

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

I guess…

 

AMANDA

No, Nathan, that won’t cut it. You have to say it. If you don’t say it, we won’t let you guys back in.

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

I… I don’t wanna be a guy.

 

SARA
What do you wanna be?

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

(clears throat)

 

RACHEL

Nathan? We can’t hear you?

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Give me a second, I’m on a cell phone and people are starting to stare at me.

 

AMANDA

Say it! Say it now or we’re cutting the call off!

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

I don’t wanna be a man—I wanna be a woman!

 

SARA

Eew!

 

RACHEL

Sick!

 

AMANDA

What is the matter with you?! You wanna be a woman?

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

I thought that’s what you wanted me to say?

 

SARA

Eew, no, that’s grody.

 

AMANDA

We wanted you to say, “I want to be a better man.”

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Oh—I wanna be a better man.

 

AMANDA

(perky) Good.

 

NATHAN VOICE OVER

Can you unlock the set now?

 

AMANDA

Sure. Thanks for tuning in, girls!

 

ALL-THREE

Go girls!

 

END SCENE.

 

ALIENS AND VIDEOTAPE

INT. THE SET, BEHIND SCENES. GARY is looking over script, NATHAN walks up.

 

NATHAN

Gary, we need to speak for a moment… in private.

 

GARY

Okay.

 

THEY walk off into a bathroom and carry on their conversation.

 

NATHAN

Gary, I’m an alien.

 

GARY

What?

 

NATHAN

I am an alien.

 

GARY

That’s not funny, Nathan. This is serious stuff.

 

NATHAN

(cue melodramatic acting here)

I know it’s not funny, Gary. And I am serious. (beat) You remember your little dog, Videotape?

 

GARY

Yeah, what about Videotape? Have you found him?

 

NATHAN

Videotape is dead, Gary. Videotape was killed.

 

GARY

Videotape wasn’t killed, he just ran off.

 

NATHAN

He didn’t run off, Gary. He was disintegrated with a ray gun.

 

GARY

How would you know this?

 

NATHAN

I’m an alien, Gary. We came here looking for a new planet to colonize on and one of my comrades took offence to Videotape, your puppy, and my comrade disintegrated Videotape. It was then I realized that I was not cut out for my own kind. I did not like our cruelties. 

 

GARY

Well, who would kill Videotape? He was just a harmless, little puppy dog. Just a cute little guy.

 

NATHAN

Now, I tell you this, Gary, to make the point that I know what you are saying is true, but please (drop melodrama here) shut up. It’s not helping right now. There is a time and place for saving the world, Gary, and this show isn’t it. So, can we get through the rest of the show without further mentioning of aliens?

 

GARY

I guess. Poor Videotape.

 

NATHAN

Now, buck up and get out there. We have a show to finish.

 

GARY

Right.

 

GARY leaves, RACHEL comes up.

 

RACHEL

Thanks for not telling him I was the one who shot Videotape.

 

NATHAN

(cue melodrama)

It will be revealed in due course. For now, we have him right where we want him.

 

END SCENE.

 

PROMOTING A CANDIDATE SCENE

IN THE NEWSROOM.

 

NATHAN

Hello, everybody, welcome back. We here at Two Hosts and a Model are excited about the upcoming elections and we decided that we’d do our part by promoting a candidate.

 

GARY

That’s right, Nathan, but we didn’t want to insult any one with our choice. Because we here at Two Hosts and a Model don’t want to be like all the other news shows: whether it be by being on a network, actually reporting the news or by taking an overly active role in politics.

 

NATHAN

So we set down as a team and stewed over how to handle this without stepping on anyone’s toes.

 

GARY

And in the end, the choice was clear. As a matter of fact, if you rule out the female gender and racial minorities, the decision was unanimous! So, it was a lot like a real election, you’re vote really didn’t count and the minority’s vote was eagerly ignored.

 

NATHAN

Our candidate of choice is Elmo. (beat) And we here at Two Hosts and a Model stand firm in our stance to promote Elmo as the new president of the United States of America.

 

GARY

We know what you’re thinking, “What? Elmo? He’s not even running for president?!”

 

NATHAN

And you’re absolutely right. That cute, furry little red guy isn’t one of the candidates but that doesn’t mean you can’t write him in come November.

 

GARY

But now you’re probably thinking, “Elmo is just a puppet. What could he really do for America?”

 

NATHAN

To answer that, I must firmly state that Elmo is more than just a puppet. Sure Elmo is a reoccurring character on Sesame Street, but that’s just a gig! When those cameras go off and you get a chance to sit down with Elmo and have a real heart-to-heart, you realize there is no other choice. Elmo must be president.

 

GARY

So do the right thing this upcoming election and vote for the right choice, vote from the heart and vote Elmo.

 

NATHAN

He’s cute, he’s furry, he’s bright red with an orange nose AND he’s a patriot.

 

GARY

Come on, at least Elmo is a politician you can trust with your kids. That’s gotta count for something.

 

NATHAN

So vote Elmo this coming election or don’t vote at all. That’s our stance and that’s our candidate of choice.

 

Second to Last Scene

 

NATHAN

Okay, we’re gonna get everyone back on the set and begin the count down into the New Year. Come on, peeps! (gestures, ENTER others)

 

AMANDA

I can’t believe we promoted Elmo for President. This show is retarded.

 

NATHAN

Hey, you can’t say retarded.

 

AMANDA

Did you say something, retard?

 

NATHAN

Never mind.

 

GARY

We’ve got the clock on the bottom of the screen so you can count down with us. Every year, at least 12 years of math pays off for thousands of Americans.

 

NATHAN

What?

 

GARY

Never mind.

 

RACHEL

Guys, it’s time to start!

 

SARA

Yeah, shut up!

 

EVERYBODY

60, 59, 58, 57, 56… (continues on until) 40, 39—

 

AMANDA

This is getting old, guys.

 

SARA

I told you to start at 10 seconds. That’s how everybody else does it.

 

GARY

Well, we’re not everybody else. We’re our own people. We’re unique.

 

Enter CHRIS.

 

CHRIS

Hey, guys, what’s up?

 

NATHAN

There you are, Chris. We’re supposed to be counting down into the New Year.

 

CHRIS

It’s November.

 

Girls adlib there distress in missing it.

 

GARY

No it isn’t.

 

CHRIS

Yeah, it is, see?

 

Shows NATHAN and GARY his watch; while this is going on, the clock on the screen passes midnight.

 

NATHAN

Oh, well, we’re not going by Chris Time. We’re going by that clock over there… (points to clock off screen or the clock on the bottom of the screen) OH, great! We missed it!

 

Adlibs of distress; except CHRIS.

 

GARY

Thanks, Chris, we missed it. And it was all your fault.

 

CHRIS

It was 2008 eleven moths ago. You missed the New Year and the presidential election. Your clock was slow or something.

 

GARY

Our clock was perfect!

 

CHRIS

My watch is atomic. It can’t be wrong.

 

RACHEL

Really? Cool.

 

NATHAN

Alright, guys. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna do a countdown from 10 and react as if it is midnight and the New Year. That way we can edit the recorded version. We messed up the live one, but we’ll be okay for the recording at least. We’ll just edit it out all this down time.

 

SARA

Lame.

 

GARY

You’re lame.

 

SARA

Bite me.

 

GARY

You’re still lamer.

 

NATHAN

GUYS! Please. This is supposed to be fun.

 

Beat; then everybody busts up laughing and adlibs at the hilarity of such a comment.

 

NATHAN

Alright… now can we do this, for me?

 

AMANDA

Not for you.

 

NATHAN

Can we do it for DeWitt, then?

 

Everybody realizes some twisted fate in their mind and reacts with an “okay” that is forced from fear.

 

NATHAN

Alright… 10!

 

EVERYBODY

9, 8, 7, 6… 1!

 

Everybody reacts with enthusiasm, hugging and everything, having a good time, music plays, wishing happy New Year, etc.  Eventually, it slowly dies down and everyone slowly feels awkward.

 

AMANDA

Is that enough?

 

NATHAN

Actually, I think we could have used a little more enthusiasm. We’ll do it until we get it right.

 

Everybody sighs.

 

SARA

No! No retake fiascos. The last time we did a retake; we spent all day and did 136 takes. And then, you ended up using the first take.

 

RACHEL

I remember that. That sucked.

 

NATHAN

Fine. No retake. It could have been magic, guys, but if you are willing to live with mediocrity then okay.

 

EVERYBODY, BUT NATHAN

Yes!

 

Everyone scatters, except NATHAN who stays behind shaking his head.

 

END SCENE. COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE.

 

ENDING

EXT. DEWITT’S HOME, NIGHT. CAMERA follows AMANDA, RACHEL, SARA, GARY and NATHAN as they pull a covert operation. They scamper through some trees, giving gestures (commands) to each other, charging across the yard towards DeWitt’s house. At the house, GARY looks into the CAMERA and fills us in as to what’s going on.

 

GARY: (whispering, very intense) Alright, what we’re doing here folks, is we are going to be taking a look at Deborah DeWitt in her natural habitat. But, we gotta keep quiet; we don’t want to wake the beast. (to others) Move out.

 

RACHEL: Don’t you mean, “move in”?

 

GARY: It’s code-talk, Rachel.

 

RACHEL: I get that, but it’s a little confusing.

 

SARA: She’s right, Gary, it is a little confusing. I was about to make a V-line for the woods.

 

AMANDA: Same here.

 

NATHAN: Ditto.

 

GARY: Okay, whatever, everyone just team up against me at once. (beat) Alright, commencing Operation Jiminy Cricket Tango Foxtrot Underpants.

 

NATHAN grabs GARY and pulls him back before he goes in the house.

 

NATHAN: What? What was all that nonsense?

 

GARY: It’s our operation codename. It was in the memorandum I sent out.

 

NATHAN: Yeah, I totally shredded that.

 

RACHEL: I thought it was Miss Piggy Disco Charleston Brazier.

 

GARY: That was the first memorandum.

 

NATHAN: I shredded that one, too.

 

AMANDA: Same here.

 

SARA: Ditto.

 

GARY: Whatever, fine, just get in the house.

 

ALL enter the house, CAMERA following. The TV is running, showing an old “Two Hosts and a Model” episode. DEWITT is asleep in a chair, the lights are off.

 

GARY: (to Nathan) Is that one of the old “Two Hosts and a Model” episodes?

 

NATHAN: Yeah.

 

GARY: It looks awful.

 

NATHAN: Thanks.

 

AMANDA: (startled) Is that her?

 

NATHAN: (startled, hisses)

 

SARA: (scared) Why are we here again?

 

RACHEL: Yeah, this doesn’t seem like a good idea all of the sudden.

 

GARY: Bring that camera over here, let’s get a shot of her and then we’re out of here.

 

CAMERA moves in for a close-up of DEWITT. As the CAMERA zooms in on her face.

 

NATHAN: (not whispered)  She looks kinda peaceful. Do you think she dreams?

 

DEWITT opens her eyes and they all start screaming and running out of the house with CAMERA in pursuit. ADLIB screams from all, DEWITT screaming, “GET OUT!” Outside, CAMERA turns and we see DEWITT on her porch.

 

DEWITT: I’m getting a restraining order!

 

WE run into the woods; then NATHAN trips and falls, grabs his shin and starts wailing in pain.

 

GARY: MAN DOWN, MAN DOWN! (rushes to NATHAN) Where did the enemy hit you, soldier?

 

NATHAN: She didn’t hit me, I tripped!

 

GARY: You tripped?!

 

NATHAN: I scrapped my shin!

 

GARY: Scrapped your shin?! How bad is it?!

 

NATHAN: It burns!

 

GARY: (gasps, looks at “wound”) OH, sick!

 

NATHAN: MOMMY!!

 

GARY: MEDIC! MEDIC!

 

NATHAN: Please, sir, go on without me!

 

GARY: A good host never leaves a co-host behind even if he is just a stand-in! (to GIRLS) Help me out, ya bunch of sissies!

 

GIRLS look at BOYS (towards camera), look at each other, then turn around and run off into the night.

 

GARY: Wait! Wait!

 

NATHAN: You shouldn’t have called them sissies, Gary, you gotta learn to control that temper.

 

GARY: I know, I know, I was really into it. Come on!

 

GARY carries NATHAN away from DEWITT’S HOUSE and further into the woods. CUT.

 

EXT. WOODS, SOMETIME LATER. NATHAN collapses in pain. The rest of this scene is played out in classic 50s Sci-Fi fashion. During Gary’s monologue, play “Unspeakable” and let it play out through end credits. End credits should begin at about 0:41.

 

NATHAN: Please, Friend, you’ve been good to me. But now… you must go. The wound in my shin has cut through my human suit and straight into my extraterrestrial body. My natural body cannot survive in your atmosphere… I… am dying. On my planet we have a custom, for one to die honorably one must do so alone. So, please Friend, let me die alone with dignity. 

 

GARY: For once in my life, I finally understand an alien’s suffering. Good bye, Old Friend. You were never meant for this world. We never really knew you… and we never will.

 

With that GARY leaves NATHAN to die. CAMERA pans up to the stars.

 

NARRATOR VOICE OVER: This is the true story of a man from another world. A man no one really understood. A man who entered another dimension and died in that dimension far from any friends and family. A man who died all alone, misunderstood and all because of a stupid prank and a little show we like to call “Two Hosts and a Model.” Good morning, friends, and have a happy new year.

 

CUE “THIS IS DEDICATED TO THE ONE I LOVE” and roll END CREDITS.

 

AFTER END CREDITS.

 

CUT to BEN for the final BEN SUMS IT UP.

 

BEN

Hello, it's me again, Benjamin Little. There's something that's been bugging me lately and the more I think about it, the more annoying it becomes to me. That's right; I'm talking about this show. Two Hosts and a Model is supposed to be a news show, but they never report the news. All they do is act like reporters, but there is never anything to report. And what's with this New Year's Special and all this look back trash? We never film anything! It's bogus. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse: 24-hour live news coverage or what we do. They are both just as painfully shallow and useless. (beat) To be a success, one must succeed in something. The only thing this show has succeeded in is failure. Failure to succeed. Failure to report. Failure to entertain. (beat) Chew on that.

 

END SHOW.

 

Author's Note

I recognize the format is weird, wonky and inconsistent. It's because I would write segments in different places, using different programs and I would write some scenes in play format (as opposed to screenplay). Eventually, I just copied and pasted it altogether. The show is intended to be disjointed in terms of the lack flow, because the show within the show is a variety show and the overall feel of the show is intended to feel like a variety/sketch show. Thus, the amazing randomness of it.

Hope you enjoy it and I would love the feedback.

Oh, if you want to view our "Thanksgiving Flops Special 2006" let me know. I have it uploaded to Google Video.

Reviews

[Nathan Weaver]

Yeah, the show started as a college student run show back in 2003. We ran with it from January to August and then quit over creative differences. We've since reconciled, in 2006 when we filmed our Thanksgiving special.

[me]

Nathan you are too twisted....this is like a bad version of a show that I can't think of the name of! Hahahaha...it is hysterical....