Respite

Fall 2009 - 1 day before the 10 month mark

It's been raining ever since
you started breaking my heart
Now it's dark outside
and the temperature's dropped
and my words only do harm,
My hopes are fuel to the fire
of this thing that won't stop

I could be like you and say I don't care,
That I'm done forever because I'm over it
But you are the liar and I am the loyal fool
And despite what you say now,
I know you'll be drunk soon
and I will come running back to you.
I can't help
that all this space is in my way
I can't help
that I'd rather be with you than away
It's what I was born to do
Just like you were born to run

The seasons are changing
The sky goes black
And I’m a hundred miles away
With no hope of ever getting back
To that blue ocean of yours
I’ve been ejected from the sea
And the skyline just turns its back on me

My big red balloon has been popped
The red just keeps gushing
I even hold my hand over to stop
But it just comes and comes
The more you run and run
You can belittle and excuse
You can even reminisce and use
But we were never as good
as we were when we were good

You and I are tied to each other
and I see you, sawing away at the rope
Sometimes I'm hanging on by a thread
Dangling on my threads of hope
And I don't understand
How sometimes I'm your sunshine;
warm, inviting, and alive
and how sometimes
I'm just a thorn in your side;
A remnant of why you'd rather be alone

And my entire life is under your microscope
all my shortcomings highlighted in your wake
but God forbid I turn the tables on you
and you squirm under my poetic brush strokes
all my blank canvases staring at your face
Although I appreciate the advice,
Sometimes I feel like you judge me too harshly
when my life has been nothing like yours
but you keep trying to temper my flame
You keep trying to make me like you

My eyes sink to the ground now
I’m cataloging ants and grass distribution
I’m useless to anyone with this emotion
This great big emotion that I was building for you
My hands are listless
I can’t find a place to put them
No place is as warm and soft
As your hands were in mine

I have tattoos and scars
Where you have only watermarks
The rain will wash it all away
I know that’s what you’d say
And I would go back to
counting stones on the ground
I would go back to my quiet dismay