That green dress, your eyes, and what you didn't say

Summer 2007

I was wearing my green sundress and
you were wearing inebriation like a new suit.
I wanted to look pretty for you because
I knew that I would make a fool of myself upon my exit.
I wore uncomfortable shoes and my tits were wet with sweat but I just sat there in the dark of the balcony and smoked my ciggs quietly contemplating how I would be little Ms. Self Destructive.
I wondered if I should be swift.
Maybe I should be poetic.
Maybe I should lie and make up some story.
But I'm a horrible liar as you know.
You've seen and laughed at my attempts, so I guess that idea's out.
I was absorbing your apartment that night.
Convincing myself it would be the last time I would see it so I should soak it up while I could.
My eyes lingered on the tomato plant outside. Funny how I had such pride that you actually sprouted a tomato, finally, after many weeks of us just starring at it, willing it to grow.
I remember thinking to myself that, "this is the way things have to be".
No matter how sad it made me. I was sad and scared and you were drunk.
I remember trying to convince myself that you were a villian
and it didn't make my plight any easier.
I was trying to smear your colors, paint you out to be somebody else.
I remembered the look you get in your eyes right before you go off on one of those metaphysical, quasi-political rants, where your only real purpose is to hear the sound of your own voice. I've always appreciated such a sumptious intellectual. You have this ability to captivate even my dwindling interest and hold it, steady, with the power of your northern voice. And you say things outloud that most people don't say. You pride yourself on this. You love the fact that you are so challenging. You know you're not crazy so quit saying it.
You're crazy for not being crazy about me, but that is all.
You didn't look at me much that night. I remember thinking that the other girl(s) must be pretty if they distract you from my grace.
How very arrogant of me, I know. Our egos get the best of us sometimes.
I was thinking that the more beer I drank, the more confidence I would have, and by the end of the night, I wouldn't care if you didn't notice me.
There is not enough beer on this earth to make that happen.
Believe me, I've tried to drown you out every night with no avail.
I was eager to leave, so that I could go home and write another chapter in my book. A book littered with things you've said and drawings of stick figures flicking off polar bears. Don't ask me why, but you dominate my mind sometimes.
But that's the meat of it, isn't it my friend?
You are the fruit center of my Pan Dulce.
I keep trying to eat the crust around you,
but I keep getting fruit in my mouth.
Such sweetness you have!
I keep trying to avoid this...thing. I've got sirens blarring.
The gates are slamming down, but I've left one last door open for you.
Don't you know by now that I didn't want this to happen?
You think it's cute. You are complimented by my fight.
Then, you pat me on the knee before you roll over and go to sleep.
And I scowl in the dark. Wrapped up in sweaty sheets next to an articulate stranger, I stare into complete darkness and listen to you snore.
I listen to your heartbeat. The heart of a Lion, I once said.
I had every intention to leave and never come back that day.
But as I was putting my clothes back on, something stopped me.
I couldn't find my shoes anywhere, and in the process of looking, my initiative slowed. You saw me hesitate and you smiled at the display.
So I grabbed my purse and walked out of your front door.
But there was this tacky pillow,
the kind you buy at Wal-Mart at 3am cuz it's on sale and why not, right?
It was bright, Barbie Pink and it said "I Love You".
Someone had thrown it from the floors above and it just laid there on the ground, slumped to the side and covered in rain water.
I walked out to the parking lot and dwindled.
You said afterward that you watched me through your peep hole.
I looked at the dumpster, at all the cars parked in the early morning, and I walked to my car thinking, "This isn't right. This is not the way that it should be".
So I got a 2 day old, flat Vanilla Coke out of my car, drank it down to scape my morning breath, chunked it in that great big dumpster and walked back to your apartment.
Past the cigarrette butts and the desperate pillow.
But I left my fear in the dumpster with my Coke.
What got me was the look on your face when I talked.
The words came, rushing in like a river and you just watched me as you laid in bed, naked and tired.
You watched me talk, silently, and I just focused on that mole next to your lower lip. I remember your pupils and your lips but that is all.
What was that look on your face?
Was it fear? Did I scare you then?
Or were you thinking that THIS is exactly what you didn't want.
THIS is what you were avoiding.
Just don't appease me. Don't worry about my happiness above yours.
Don't try to protect me from the truth.
Don't group me in with everyone else that came before,
I don't care who my eyes remind you of.
I am like nothing you've ever seen,
and if you could pry open that rib cage,
I am like nothing you've ever felt.
We are alike, if not the same, and I seek not to strike at you.
I've known you before and I will know you again.
When you read Buddhist scriptures,
When you try to deciphere Hieroglyphs,
When you watch Planet Eart HD-The one on the Ocean Deep,
Here, is where you will find me.
It was your eyes that made me stay that day.
You eyes went up against the brute force of my better judgement and they won.
Congratulations.

Reviews

[yinseriv]

Oh yeah. I read this story like it was a guilty pleasure. You have a way of catching attention and holding on to it. Through the whole dance I waited for the outcome and you delivered it with style on your own terms. Thank You.