That S****y, Sucky Feeling

A Story by Omily

“The sun’s coming out,” my mom said cheerfully, smiling peacefully as she stared out the screen door at that brightening golden orb in the sky. First, I thought, how ironic. Second, I thought, how appropriate. It’s like the weather was set for my life as some kind of soundtrack or stage backdrop. Last night, it was dark and raining a little. The sky was a harbinger for what had to happen, and I knew it. Today, the sun is peaking out from behind the clouds, like it’s telling me to start sucking it up. I hope it’s sunny all week.
            I also hope that s****y, sucky feeling (as you put it) will go away in a day or two. I really just think it takes some getting used to. Maybe it will take a week to adjust to not touching you. I realized that 2 AM last night was too soon to look you in the eye. I just wanted to get up off the couch, so far away from your chair that I felt like I was in a parallel dimension, and I wanted to kiss you. It was too soon; I could still feel the lingering soft touch of your lips pressing against mine. It had only been two hours ago that they belonged to me. And at 2 AM, they weren’t mine anymore to kiss. I felt that s****y, sucky feeling most intensely when I looked in your eyes, those eyes I fell in love with, and I could feel mine saying to them, “I am longing so badly to kiss you.” In a week, I hope my eyes will shut up.
            I guess there’s just some things that are still weighing on my mind. I want to release them. I wanted some kind of climactic explosion to happen inside of me last night, some way to force the boiling emotion out through my eyes or mouth. Crying was out of the question; it would have been so nice, but my tear ducts never seem to swell at the right times. Then I thought, maybe if I punch something, like a curb or a wall, with enough force, that s****y, sucky feeling could pour out through my blood. But I settled on what I thought would be the most responsible solution-- I talked it out. I vomited my heartbreak verbally. That’s why I kept talking in circles. I just had to keep talking. It helped a little. Right here, I’m trying in vain to suck out the heartbreak 100%, like I’m sucking out the venom from a snake. But, like I said, I know it can only go away with time.
            I enjoyed being with you too much. Way too f*****g much. I learned something from it, though; never let myself be so naked in someone else’s eyes. You knocked down my defenses without even trying, and believe me, they’re usually indestructible. And usually, I’m the temptress and the heartbreaker. I tried my very best to maintain those titles; they make me cold and numb and unfeeling. In a sense right now, I am numb--it’s like this eerily tranquil acceptance. I’ve already come to terms with the loss of you. I know it’s right. I’ll keep repeating that like a scrolling marquee until the sun is out 100%. I know it’s right, I know it’s right, I know it’s right. I know that’s true.
            I wonder, do you feel like me? Do you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and splattered against a wall? Like the pieces were sewn back together haphazardly expected to pump life through your body, leaving the blood to seep precariously through the seams? Could you tell last night that I was that broken? I tried to force my face to mask the thoughts inside my skull and the feelings behind my ribs. Maybe you noticed that my eyes deceived me. Like I said, they just wanted to kiss you and plead and beg and tell you something about love. Is it bad that I think it was a mistake to tell you that I loved you? But at the same time, past this s****y, sucky heartbreak, I understand in my gut this is how it should be. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong everything-- except for the feelings. The feelings were right. But with time, maybe-- maybe-- those feelings will float away.
            I want to crush all future hope of there being an “us” again. I told you I didn’t think we could ever, even if all the healthy required amounts of time pass, be together someday. Why? Because I wish we could. And that wish hurts so f*****g bad right now. I would rather eradicate all hope than offer myself up to get hurt by future disappointments. It’s easier. I feel more at peace because I know, if I get rid of the idea of “us,” we’ll get used to this faster. It’s part of the healing process. If we force our hearts to break apart from each other completely, they will heal sooner. We’ll be happier the sooner we’re fully separated.
            Do you understand now why we could never be together again?
            Do you realize how badly I wanted you to tell me I was wrong?
            I think I’ll go back now to breaking every heart I can but my own. I know that’s a b***h thing to say, but I honestly don’t try to break hearts. You know that. It’s natural for me. It’s natural and safer and cold and numb and so very, very peaceful.
            When we hugged today, that was me doing two things. One, I just wanted to hold you-- I very sincerely did not want to let go. That’s an expected desire after a break-up. Two, I wanted to shove that desire out through my own breast and let your body heat absorb it. I was ending everything with you in that simple, powerful embrace. Could you feel me releasing everything I had with you back into your body? It was a therapeutic gesture. I took your heart out of me and placed it back into you. It’s gone now. That’s it. The end.
            I think I’ll go try to cry now. If I succeed, I hope the sun will soak up my tears.