Entry 8: Intrusive Thoughts

They visit me once in a while, those intrusive thoughts that hurt me. Usually I keep them at bay, go on with my daily duties and live my life as it is, while I'm desperately trying not to think about how I wish it was different. It's okay, I've come to terms with alot of things and truths about myself and found myself mostly at peace with my present timeline, surfing on the wave that is hope. Hoping that I won't get stuck in a limbo where I am not happy or where I am regretting my choices. 

But however much I cling on to my sanity, those thoughts haunt me, and they strike forcefully when I'm vulnerable, as I am now. Tired, lonely, confused. Scared. 

Because it must be fear I'm experiencing, based on my aching stomach and heavy soul, if there ever was one. I am afraid of good things, friendships and laughters. No matter how much I try to convince myself that this time is different, that I'm in a different headspace and that my decisions are wiser, deep down there is that voice that warns me and tells me that it will all end, as it did so many times before, a voice I simply cannot shake. I'll try to enjoy this part of the cycle where I make new acquaintances, take part in new experiences, and engage in long conversations, while I brace for impact, and the impact is inevitable.

I've long believed that I am a source of evil. That I am a person who's faking compassion and empathy for her own gain, and that I am a synonym for chaos. Not many people can find peace in chaos. Therefore I can't blame them for leaving, and I can't let them be responsible for the pain their absence has caused, but I can mourn the outcome. And I simply have to teach myself to live with the intrusive thoughts that plague me, as they do now. Jealousy, hate, disgust, fear of abandonment, the far too familiar urge to punish myself. I have to notice these feelings and I have to validate them, accepting the fact that I can't nor should I try to control or extinguish them. I have to let them spread their seeds inside my head and have faith in the fact that I have the tools to cope with them and coexist with them. Therefore I will, and I must, focus on the positives I already have. A roof over my head, a family, affection, new friends, economic stability, youth, physical well-being, insight, self-respect and possibilities. 

But for tonight I will allow myself to listen to my intrusive thoughts, experience the pain in my chest, and cry in the shower to wipe my mental slate, because I know that I can handle it without reaching for the blade. Tomorrow I will make myself a steaming cup of coffee, inhale the air of a new day and be a slightly better version of myself than I am right now. And I know that I am stronger than what my thoughts are telling me that I am, and I can't let go of that belief even for a second, or I will be shattered. 

Whatever comes, I will embrace.