Entry 1: Shame

"Hey Google. Search 'How to Stop Feeling Shame' "

Shame. So many times I have studied it, experienced it, hated it. And yet, no matter how many times it rushes over me, I never seem to be able to handle it. It's pure agony, that's all it is. I know, I know, "it's fundamental". I know that it helped humans throughout our evolutionary timeline, but honestly, I cannot seem to find any reasonable excuse as to why shame would be a good thing for anybody to bear. 

Say we do something wrong. Why can't we just get a sting of pain to let us know that what we did was wrong and may or may not lead to negative consequences for ourselves, and then it would vanish, like when we burn ourselves on hot iron. But NO, when shame comes it's here to stay. For a while. And all you can do about it is cry and live through it all, and somehow try to not convince yourself that you are an awful human being. Easier said than done. 

Sometimes I wish that shame was much like a toxic relationship. The kind where you fight over stupid things like pasta brands and the varying qualities of toilet paper, where you cry and fight and almost rip each other's faces off, while in the next sequence you have wild and earth shattering intercourse and promise eternal love for each other. That kind of relationship that hurts, but in a really really good, self deprecating- joke way.  That's how I wish that shame worked. Instead, shame is the kind of relationship that kills you quietly and methodically, the kind of relationship where you are stuck in a limbo with no exit, no relief. Only pain.