Confused

Just want to share something that I am dealing with right now, I am new to this but I hope you enjoy.

In the early morning I wake up being awoken by my mother, it is very common for her to be the one knocking on my door at 6:50-7:00 am even though I enter school at 8:30 am. Yet I still wake up early and take a bath making sure I am neat through the day. As soon as I step out of the bathroom you either find one of my brothers outside, 3 brothers in which 1 pair of twins is included, but sometimes they are just sleeping their asses off which is why we are always late for school. Well I shouldn’t exactly blame them considering I am always called the slowest and it may very well be true, since I can wake up at 6 am and be ready at 8:10 am twenty minutes away from starting class. What can I say, I actually forgot to mention that I love music and it turns out to be Korean music, weird right? Not many people hear it here where I live, but I actually enjoy hearing it even though I don’t understand anything. You can ask my brothers and not a day goes by where I don’t max the speakers on my phone and start playing sad Korean music or some k pop. I feel more when I listen to those songs due to my prior addiction to Korean dramas, or any type of romance film. I can’t deny the fact that I enjoy the genre just as anyone would enjoy horror, action, thriller or any other genre out there, it’s a way of identifying ourselves so there’s no harm in that.  After getting ready we go to school by car since it’s not close to our place, during my time inside the car I am lost in thought thinking about how I should be through the day and what might happen, and in my mind the great theatre starts a world where everything is perfect or imperfect, the place where I get constantly rejected or constantly accepted, all depending on how I feel, I can control everything inside, who I want to be with, who I yearn to be with, who I want to be and how I would want to act. To the point that I sometimes go crazy internally something only some of us gifted experience. The power to imagine something with the perfect texture making it all seem as if it were actually happening is truly a frightful skill to behold.

 

Not a day goes by without me regretting not acting on behalf of my beliefs for I think too much about the situation something that turns completely against me in the heat of decision making. I head towards my seat the second one on the furthest right. I sit down after feeling like I have been gazed upon by everyone but mostly by her… one of the sources of my problems, the girl I hate, the girl that confuses me to the point I can’t get her out of my mind, the one I yearn for who I shall nickname K. I met K the first day I enrolled into my school, which is a home school, there weren’t many girls but whenever I saw her long black hair my chest seemed to tighten and my lungs themselves would beg for air. The first time we spoke would be during a history class team work, I tried to make my best impression and she just completely stole my attention. My eyes would roll and try to fit her in my sight but who would have thought that I would not have the opportunity to get as close in more than a year. After I finished the project we just went our ways… even if the room was small she was always surrounded by her friends and I by mine, all we could really do was stare and that was where it began the anxiousness of waiting for her to look at me and me at her, it was like a game, a game in which only she and I were aware of. We have been playing the stare game for a long time and it simply sickens me to not have the guts to do anything. She has even tried to build up conversations with me but it seems I just lack the ability to keep her entertained. K is energetic and has this amazing smile that you don’t miss no matter what, yet I am the person that rarely smiles truthfully and is as serious as can be. I feel attracted towards her it’s like a positive and a negative I myself can’t help but feel attracted to her, but is it the same way for her? Or am I just being a nuisance? I can’t help but wonder if I am being a burden for her, maybe my stares are actually creepy and by no means romantic, maybe the only person in the staring game was me all along. I can’t help but wonder what I would do if that were the case. I would not be mad and neither sad, but that is in a world where I receive my answer and the me that has not even asked the question will never reach the point where an answer will be given. Dealing with her is so confusing, she completely drains all of my energy as if she is feeding off of it. How will I even be who I want to be, when I can’t even conquer that which is near me?  Even after more than a year’s time to make up my mind, I still find myself in a maze on whether I should or should not act based on what I am feeling. I call myself mature yet I am trapped in these simple questions which can be answered with a simple act, but the outcome of that act is what I may fear the most.

          

 During the whole day I find myself somehow hurting over and over again trying to find a way to lessen the pain that I am feeling. But nothing seems to work not even going out with my friends which I can tell is a bad sign, it’s as if I am deteriorating rather than progressing. But sometimes out of nowhere a small ray of hope appears, just with one word that comes from her mouth my whole world brightens up completely as if she is the one that holds the key to my mind and only she can decide when I do or do not feel good. This effect can also be felt by me when someone comes out of nowhere and starts speaking to me. I am not much of a speaker I am very quiet and lack social skills, but whenever someone comes to speak to me, I feel as if a small part of my pain is being absorbed by this unknown entity as if I am being given a chance to change. Then it hits me, that I can change that I am in control not my mind, all of these sudden emotions start to take over me and increase my desire to do what I was not able to do yesterday but there is one simple problem. This desire awakens itself at night, in the night I think constantly, Its only me and the sealing with no one to bother me whatsoever, my mind is at its peak intellectually and emotionally. The desire creates an illusion of power, which makes me feel as if I could act and conquer anything that I could not tame before, my anxiousness turns into excitement and wishes for morning to come so I can do all that I have imagined, but as soon as my eyes close I find myself in a very pleasant dream, where all that I thought of became true, my dreams of being social and having all that I desired became true, but as soon as my eyes open and I return to reality all the desire and supposed power I had attained disappear. That is the reason I have not used this strong desire as a weapon, but there have been cases where it activated where my goal was in front of me, yet even with such a noble weapon I would still be afraid of the cat dressed as a lion, failure was inevitable. The days passed with me being in a complete haze lost in what could have happened if I had acted. Then came the day when she and I were assigned to work together and it was to help each other in studying for the finals. I was excused from them but I still needed to help her, it’s not like I would be crazy enough to say no, so I took this chance to get closes to her. As soon as we sat down her eyes met mine and we just started grinning at each other averting our gazes when we looked for too long, moments like those just made it all the more clearer that she was the one. I soon noticed that she was hiding her test scored and she felt uncomfortable so I decided to gamble that her Spanish was just about the same level as mine. So I joked about the test and took out my score and as soon as she saw it, the ice seemed to melt down a bit and she started laughing and showed me hers. It was exactly the same score, I felt glad when I saw her guard lower around me, and it made me feel more alive. But oddly enough we barely exchanged words I felt our eyes where already doing their job. She said thank you and as always I leave last. I have yet to have another moment such as that, and even to this day I still dream of it.

Author's Note

It is my first time doing this so I am sure it is not perfect but I hope this community will help me out, so I can get better.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

When I read this piece of writing, I wonder if you really want help with writing, or if you want help with LIFE?!?! It sounds like a plea for help managing all the things swirling inside your head, making you a little crazy & keeping you from being able to act out in your life, in a natural & authentic way.

But this is not a therapist couch, so I'll stick with commenting on your writing. It's good to write about whatever you feel strongly about, which is what you're doing here, so that's the first step in being able to reach your readers. You are very honest about yourself, which is interesting & relatable to others. The problem is that you also analyze too much, which can become boring after this much writing about it. Life is for experiencing, not for analyzing.

My first recommendation for your writing is to pick a smaller focus to write about. This piece sounds rather like you're rambling thru many different ideas, before you finally get to the thing you obviously want to write about: THE GIRL. Why not just get rid of all the bothersome rambling that happens outside of this one topic. Just focus on how you feel & what experiences you've shared with this girl, these are the things that are most interesting about what you've written here.

The second thing is that you need to master the art of creating paragraphs to give your readers a REST in between all these thoughts & ideas that are rambling around inside your head. Even if you don't feel sure where it's a good place to make a new paragraph, just do it after ten sentences or so, otherwise everything runs together & it's hard to read. Also, put a blank space in between paragraphs, to give your piece room to breathe . . . so it's not one big black block of text that looks intimidating to tackle. People look at this & don't stay to read it. A piece this long might have ten or fifteen paragraphs with spaces in between, then it looks more inviting to read.

Your English is clear & easy to read. Your sentences are well crafted & not too complex or too long. So you've got that much in you favor. Now here's what would be good to find some balance in: Analysis & Action. I think most writing is more interesting when you have mostly action & dialogue, with a much smaller amount of analysis (or long descriptions of what you're thinking or observing). Action & dialogue make the reading go quickly & flow & carry the reader along. When you write a bunch of analysis about life & what you're thinking & feeling about everything, this feels heavy, like it's hard to plow thru.

I think that paying attention to these things can do a lot to help your reading to be more friendly & accessible. You seem to be "in your head" quite a bit. You seem to be expressing many feelings of not being good enuf or wondering if you will be considered successful or smart or desirable. All these things are JUDGMENTS!!! You are stuck in an endless cycle of JUDGING YOURSELF -- this is what makes it so hard for you to act, & also to write. Be OK with whoever you are, whatever you have to say. There will be people who don't like it, but so what? You only need to be yourself & there will be people who really enjoy that. Please try not to be so critical of everything you do (or everything you're thinking about doing -- which makes you paralyzed & afraid to act).

At the end of this story, THE GIRL ends up enjoying you! This will happen if you just get out of your own way & let yourself be whoever you are, whatever comes out, we all make mistakes & say stupid stuff. The more you allow yourself to BE YOURSELF, the better you will get at being able to express yourself & share openly with people. The best writing comes from the heart & shares honestly with people. That's what we relate to & want to know.

Hope this helps.

[Jean Carlos]

Thank you for writing such an honest opinion.

[barleygirl]

I just saw this quote & thought it a good idea to share with you:
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”