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read it, its a love poem kind of

 Your smile lights up my day like a florescent light bulb,

when I see you my heart bumps like a crowded nightclub,

Say sweet things to me and make me blush,

Make me feel warm even if its cold, make me nervous even though I am bold,

It don't matta to me, If 100 people are around, you would be the only person that matters to me,

Right now theirs only one lady I love and thats my mom, Sometimes I feel like my hearts a bomb,

don't really talk much so i show my love physically ,

Yeah yeah no sex before marriage but I can make you shake like your riding in a horse and carriage,

This is like business so i am going to give you closure, Just promise me you wont stop talking to me till the world is over

Author's Note

tell me what you think, anything i should improve? i could use some advice

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

Yeah yeah no sex before marriage but I can make you shake like your riding in a horse and carriage,

That line made me giggle - I agree though, this is very 'slam' very rap. Well done. Well done.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Man, this is rap. Sounds like Eminem. Advice, yeah, bust up yo rhyme with a little reggae and put it on some plastic, burn a disc man...make some money. Your rhyme needs a little work but you'll get there, this could be a hit man, put some more with it, I mean, but this is kickin' for a first verse. Especially like the mom line and showin' some respect. That wil sell man, people are tired of punks and chumps and want to see some stand up people with good ethics, that's what makes a real man... but ya seem to know that already.

[Gandré]

I love the idea of a psychically strong male with weakness, when he speaks about feelings. wonderful writing!

[A.Low]

Thats really cute, but whats up with the mom part?

[Gandré]

nice, those crowd-grazings, aren't they; and then you see the diamond ! and you can't do anything about it just get it!

[Max]

interesting....not much to say..

[Elizabeth Ristow]

This is very good.

'Say sweet things to me and make me blush,

Make me feel warm even if its cold, make me nervous even though I am bold,' These are great lines.

The part about your mom seems unclear as it looks as though you are moving on to your thoughts on someone else directly after talking about her. Just seems a bit out of place.

Also, the spelling 'their' in the sentence, "Right now theirs only one lady I love and thats my mom", should be 'there'.

A decidedly good effort. Keep writing, friend.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

[revenant21]

I liked it. I really liked the simile referring to a nightclub. the only thing I recommend, and you'll figure it out whether I tell you or not, try and use a more poetic format like using the center of the page as a starting point, or something like that. nothing big.


~Revenant21

[Bexers]

This was really cute!
I think you should space it out though, versus having it all as one block of writing. But overall, it was a very awesome piece! Keep it up!