Hysteria

The beginning of what could be more! This is a snap shot of what could be a book, It's nowhere near perfect *Imagine scaffolding around it all* but just wanted a general feel and a pointers!

“What has become of us my Lord”, as he spoke his voice voice was full of sorrow and took a sombre tone. Our place in this world has become redundant it is as if we do not belong.

George Looked up from the freshly cutgrass beneath his feet and spoke, “you have been loyal to me all these years. Not many have stuck by my side but I am glad you are one of the few that have”. Henry looked over to George and gave a half smile, “I am glad that I stayed, I’m not sure where I would be if I had walked away like the rest”. George’s face remained sombre. They sat there still on the worn, mossy oak bench together in a piercing silence; there was a touch of despair in the atmosphere. The piercing silence lasted for what seemed like forever until George spoke, “Would you die for me Henry?”, the air around the two men suddenly became a touch chilly. “I would be at your side in the fiery depths of hell if that was where you needed me George”, Henrys voice quivered slightly as he spoke, and then when he was about to question what George was trying to ask, George gripped Henry’s hand. Henry could feel that there was something in Georges palm but he couldn’t quite tell what it was but it was small and cold. George looked directly at Henry, he could see through the look of intent and conviction that George had put on his face and he could see that there, behind his eyes, was a look of despair and sadness. Henry could see his deep internal conflict and suffering that George was hiding away inside. George had suffered and given more than any man should in a lifetime but now he looked like a man who had given up his fight. A man that accepted defeat, a man who had accepted his fate.

 

George let go of his hand and when Henry looked in his hand he saw that he was holding his gold signet ring, the familiar crest pressed into the face with the motto, ‘nothing is certain’ engraved on the band. Henry knew that this ring meant everything to George and he knew that there was only one reason why this would be given to him. George had said many flippant things in his time, “I would rather be dead than let anyone see me bleed” or “I would rather be dead than let anyone see me in pain” but Henry knew that George had said many times that if any man tried to steal his signet ring they would be dead within the week. George knew the ring stood for something far greater than him, a legacy forged from the dawn of time itself. The legacy of the Secret Keepers themselves. To pass on the signet ring was not something done lightly, whoever wore the ring, was not just given the honour of it but also bound to the duty of it. “The last thing I will ask of you Henry is to watch me die” said George in a soft tone. The look of confusion on Henry’s face was clear. “My Lord, I don’t understand?”. “It is my last request Henry, for you to witness my death but not simply to watch me die, for you to know that I chose to die, it was not their choice”.

 

The clock tower of the house chimed, “Quick there isn’t much time now Henry, follow me”. Henry looked puzzled but followed. “In here now”, he slid a wooden panel back in the great hall to reveal a small secret room and ushered Henry in. Once henry was in George secured the panel back over the room and then he spoke, “Goodbye for now old friend, everything you need is in a brown leather briefcase hidden in a safe in my office behind the mirror. You’ll find the key with some papers in an envelope with you in there.” Without a word more he walked away to the grand piano on the far side of the hall. Georges words lingered in Henrys mind, “Goodbye for now”. Henry could see George from his concealed space through a small peephole that allowed him to witness the events that were to follow.

George began to play the piano, a piece that Henry knew well, at which point the sound of cars on the gravel outside and then footsteps.

Moments later the two large oak front doors were forced open with loud bang. Three men walked into the great hall. George didn’t even look up to greet them as he continued playing his piano reaching the crescendo of the piece before finishing but playing three off notes, the off notes confused George, “He never misses any notes to that piece, he knows it backwards”.

The middle of the three men clapped, “An excellent piece George, shame you faltered on the last few chords”, “Nothing is quite as it seems today is it Alex, can I tempt you to a drink?” George walked towards the drinks cabinet helping himself to a glass of his favourite wine. “I don’t drink while I’m working George, but you knew that anyway didn’t you”, Alex’s voice hung in the hall. Henry didn’t know who Alex was, he was no one who had ever come to the house nor had George ever mentioned him but they seemed like old friends. “I know why you are here Alex and I stand here unarmed and innocent, the opposite it would seem, to you today”.

George moved for his jacket pocket at which point, the man called Alex drew a pistol. George stopped moving his hand but remained calm all the same. He coolly reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a silver cigarette case, “I’m simply indulging in a guilty pleasure of mine Alex, and you wouldn’t care for a cigarette too would you?”. Alex simply smiled at George and let him light his cigarette. After a few deep draws, George said “You may now do what you have come here to do but please do understand Alex that today nothing is certain”. With that a shot from Alex’s drawn pistol cracked in the great hall, the sound echoed around for what seemed like an eternity. George stood motionless and dropped his cigarette to the ground. It fell slowly, as if time itself had slowed down. George followed the same fate falling to his knees shortly after. George looked up at Alex and gave a half smile. A second, third and fourth shot echoed around the great hall. Henry saw, that despite the life leaving George, he had somehow had the last laugh. The gunshots were still ringing in my ears until it was broken by Alex’s voice, he looked at George’s still kneeling body, “Your death was certain”. With that Alex kicked George’s body and it fell lifelessly to the polished wooden floor, the cigarette still smoking next to his body.

 

George’s killer then signalled to his men to leave, he looked at George’s body, “You brought this one yourself old friend” and with that, left the hall himself.      

Henry waited for some time before climbing out of his hiding place to go and see George. He moved slowly towards him, expecting him to turn over and smile or come back to life. That’s all he wanted George to do. Henry thought, “I have no idea what to think, the man who I thought would never die was dead”. Henry sat with George’s body for some time. He carried the body and laid it on the sofa in the drawing room and went back to the hiding place to find the envelope, which had the key and the papers that George said he had left there. Henry moved the mirror in his office to reveal a large safe that he unlocked and took out the brown leather briefcase and clicked it open.

 

Inside the briefcase was a whole host of documents including a Will that gave Henry the rights to most if not all of George’s possessions in the event of his death this included his house. Henry still didn’t understand, it was beginning to look as if he had planned all of this but why? He read over the Will again and saw it contained a sequence of numbers followed by the initials S.D.B.L, none of this was making any sense why would he want me to go there. Henry was struggling to think straight, so much had just happened that he was finding it hard to take it all in. The only person who would be able to answer all of these questions was now dead. Henry slumped against a large wooden filing cabinet and fell to the ground. Finally he began to cry. 

Henry sat in George’s office for some time in a state of denial and confusion until he was brought from his trance by the chiming of the grandfather clock. Henry grabbed the briefcase, replaced its contents. Then he took a second key from his own personal key ring and unlocked a cabinet that had a gun cabinet concealed within, he took what he needed and proceeded to the garage where he would begin his journey, to the Secrets Depository Bank London.

 

George’s garage was full of many wonderful cars, many of them were given to his as gifts for the secrets that he kept for them such as two vintage Aston Martins given to him by some Sultan in the far east or the prototype Ferrari he kept under a cover given to him by a client but he was never told who. It was clear that even the Secret Keepers had secrets.

My favourite car in the garage was George’s diamond black, chrome trim Rolls Royce, a car that George had bought himself and had been given a set of black military number plates for it by his old platoon commander from the Royal Marines. Henry went to the key safe and grabbed the car keys with a slight reluctance but reassured himself, “What was Georges is now mine”. He got into the car and its crisp freshness was noticeable, George always took good care of his cars and even better care of those who gave them to him. Inside was a small sliver cigarette case identical to the one George kept in his jacket pocket, he was always forgetting his cigarettes or leaving them in the wrong jacket so decided to keep a case in his car, mind you he never smoked in the car. Henry put the key into the ignition and turned it over, the V16 engine began to hum menacingly. “I hope you don’t mind George” said henry as he put the car into gear and began to move. Being in George’s car was like being with George, despite its crispness Henry could feel that it was as George had left it. My reminiscing didn’t last very long, only until the large wooden garage doors opened.

Henry began the decent down the long gravel driveway surrounded by rolling lawns until he reached the large black wrought iron and gold gates that lie at the entrance to the house. The gates stood wide open as they always had for as long as he could remember but Henry could feel that it was right for him to shut them and make sure they stayed locked, he clicked a button in the car and waited for them to swing shut. Almost as soon as I got back into the car, the phone rang, I answered it and was greeted by a low gruff voice… 

Author's Note

How does this look to people? not sure whether I should pursue it further? Let me know :)

This is a snap shot of what could be a book, It's nowhere near perfect *Imagine scaffolding around it all* but just wanted a general feel and a pointers!

Reviews

[TLK]

First paragraph has errors -- make sure that at least your first sentence is perfect, as this is a big part of a reader's decision to continue. You repeat voice to make 'voice voice', you don't place punctuation in the speech marks (which is the convention in fiction), and I am pretty sure that the second sentence is dialogue, and should therefore be in speechmarks. I can't imagine that a narrator is saying this as you haven't introduced one yet.
Personally, I would also revise "voice was full of sorrow and took a sombre tone" -- saying both is overkill.

Next para starts "George Looked", and also contains a there/their error.

I'll stop nit-picking errors now and give me feelings about the entire text.


The relationship between Henry and George is unclear, meaning I lacked a foundation for understanding the events in the story. By the end, there is a first-person character and I have no idea who they are. This is a strong indication that the chapter as a whole has lost its way.


A key focal point is the signet ring and its relation to the Secret Keepers. I think this needs to be set up more -- I don't feel that you include the reader enough in what this means.

[Ollie_45]

Thanks very much for that, I admit it's nowhere near perfect but hopefully with more criticism like that I'll be able to fine tune it! Thanks very much again!