Hallowed

A painting of a girl within my mind. (Stud M. Note Book) :)

Staring into lifeless eyes

the lids faded purple

but only slightly

only enough to imply questionable sleep

a black shirt

dark jeans

a dark grey faded hoodie hiding her...

She remains in the shadows

She likes the quiet

She tries not to think

thinking makes you remember

... and the past is  dead

once she was "bright"

once she could smile

but now all that remains

is a body and a hallowed heart

Reviews

[Alicia Beavis]

"a dark grey faded hoodie hiding her straight hair"

This read better to me as:
"dark faded hoodie hiding her..."

just because it resembled the line before enough to sound repetitious but it didn't seem to 'drag' out compared to the other lines.

Also, the ending just didn't quite hit me with the strong impact that I would have liked. It's not to say it's not good, far from, this is quite a read but there were just a couple of tweaks I felt could be made.

That said, this is all my opinion so ignore what you don't agree with. This is your poem and the way you express you art!

[Olivia Marie]

I changed that line as you suggested, but I have no idea how to end it differently. Any suggestions?

[Alicia Beavis]

Maybe, I'd remove "is a body and" but that's just personal preference.

[MoriartyMesa]

Sad, dark, and a little bit of a chill, not knowing whom these words could belong to, or what lead up to the emotions. Nice.

[Olivia Marie]

Thank you :)

[Celestial Witch Child]

Wow... Amazing. Ignore the other suggests. Don't change a thing. Perfect as is.

[Olivia Marie]

thank you :D

[Laura Maidah]

"questionable sleep" is uncomfortable in word order or phrasing. I can't tell. No one says their sleep was questionable, you know? It's impeccable SPaG wise, though. Props to you!

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

So good. I think I've found some inspiration to write a poem about myself. Thank you:) Great write. Fantastic.