Sunsets

A bittersweet tale of love and sorrow.

It had always been her dream to touch the sunset of a warm summer day.

I watched as she longingly gazed past me and to the things beyond,
To things that she would never be able to see.
Past the horizon and, perhaps, even past the world.
It had always been that way.

The way her crystal blue eyes sparkled perfectly under the hospital's lights
As she shared all of her hopes and dreams
Always managed to bring a smile to my face.

I remember closing my eyes as she would whisper, long into the night, of all the things she so eagerly wished to do.

It had always been that way.

"What does a sunset look like to you?"

She asked me this on many evenings out of childish curiosity.
I would turn, looking deep into her eyes.
I could never find an answer.

It had always been that way.

The smile that I had come to love as the months slipped by
Began to ever-so-slowly lose its radiance.

That must be why, when I least expected it,
A lone tear made its way down her soft cheek.
She liked to pretend that it never happened.

It had always been that way.

Slowly, steadily, her dreadfully frail body,
As if marked for death,
Finally lost the warmth it had once held.

And yet, I still came.

One evening, the sunset just as beautiful as always, I watched in stunned silence
As the young doctors swarmed her small figure.
In what I could only consider a frenzy,
She finally lost the battle.

As the room cleared, I couldn't help but stare,
At the girl whom I had once claimed to love.
"It all happened too fast," I said, to no one in particular.

It wasn't until many minutes later that I glanced outside the window
And to the sunset that I had seen each day for the past year.
The sun, lying just directly over the horizon,
Glazed the empty hospital room
In an array of deep oranges and bright yellows.

I smiled a soft smile.

It had always been that way.

Author's Note

This is my first completed poem at full-length. Let me know what you think! I'm still working on improving my writing, so any constructive criticism would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[William Liston]

This is the greatest "first poem" that I have ever read, and I truly mean that. This is one of the greatest poems that I've read on this site. It truly brought me to tears. I can't explain how hauntingly beautiful this is. Based on this poem, you have a special talent for organizing ideas in your work; you do it in a way that gradually progresses the reader's emotion until the ultimate climatic effect at the end. You also have a special talent for vocabulary, repetition, and imagery that takes months (or even years) for many writers to develop. The only thing I didn't like about this was the visual presentation; I'd suggest using a size 12 Georgia font instead, but overall, this was great. I came here with the intention of giving my advice on your works, but I certainly can't do that with this poem. Great work, hopefully I'll be able to critique the next poem I read by you.

-William Liston

[Oliver Free]

Thank you so much for the review, it really means a lot to me. Many of my poems before this came to dead ends, or were never fully developed. This was, and still is, the poem that gave me the motivation to continue my writing. To see that it was able to evoke such emotion from someone truly makes me very happy.

(And about the font style, I'll definitely change that. I'm rather new to this site so I'm still tinkering with the settings.)

[Soma-ko]

This is what I love about poetry, how structure doesn't matter. Usually I'm more of a even lines type of guy, and love the idea of patterns and symmetry in structure, but when strung together nicely, it really doesn't matter how its presented, since the greater part of structure is to present a flow for the reader! :D

This didn't make me feel anything, but that's because most things don't (not even my stuff D:) :( But the words you used definitely evoke what normally would be perceived as both sorrow and hints of growth, of being able to understand the other individual with the sense of moving on, so well done!

[Leica Fox]

This was really impressive. And like most other reviewers here, I nearly cried too!

[Oliver Free]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this piece!

[Fahmida Mehreen]

Reminded me of a saying, "He is very dreamy. But you are the sun."

Liked reading this. Keep writing!

[Oliver Free]

Thank you! It's been a while but I've got some stuff in the works.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good poem. You led to sad ending with skill. To be sick and hidden away. Could be a bad place to be. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Oliver Free]

This was certainly one of my favorites to write.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very sad tale written.

[Raylene]

This one almost made me weep yet smile too the innocent girl dying yet the beauty of the sunset as a symbol of her once beautiful smile just amazing

[Oliver Free]

Thanks for the kind words!

[Raylene]

Anytime dear

[LM]

OMG what the hell are you trying to do make me cry!!!!!! This was beautifully written! Descriptions and flow were on point and very well crafted. Wow what a work of art! This is your first poem! Holy damn! You're awesome and very talented.

[Oliver Free]

Aww, thank you! It was meant to be a heartfelt poem, haha.

[LM]

I know but it was just awesome. It evokes a lot of emotion which was artfully done! Btw I'd love your opinion on chapers 1-3 of my story. I'm not much of an experienced writer and id really appreciate and value your opinion or any constructive criticism at your convenience. Thank you so much! And I'll be looking forward to reading some more of your work. Send me a read request anytime!

[Oliver Free]

Sure thing! I'd love to take a look at your writing some time later today. I'll be sure to leave a review!

[Korbyn Rague]

This made me tear up a little. Lovely poem.

[Oliver Free]

Glad you enjoyed!

[Arooj Purra]

u have too bright ideas ...nice poem..keep it up!

[Emily]

Lovely poem!
Great idea for a poem!!
Well done!!

[KWP]

Well I like this very much.

A short tale of indeed love and loss as you so described. You do manage to grab the reader and hold them there I feel.

I would watch out for using cliche lines such as 'gazed longingly' you could perhaps deepen that. I also read somewhere a long while ago that writers should avoid ending words in 'ly' you only do this twice I think but I
feel if you changed the wording on both occasions it would more than likely uplift the poem to an even higher level.

Careful of using too many words when you don't need to.
Poetry should be succinct in your message with only precise words used.

I truly think this is a fabulous first full length poem - well done X

[Oliver Free]

Thanks for the review! I'm still just beginning my writing journey, so I appreciate the advice!