Cameron, not Corrine

How Cameron gets ready in the morning.

I woke up to my alarm clock shrieking at me, at 5:30 in the f*****g morning. If I didn't want to be late for school, I had to get up this early. I slapped the shrill alarm clock until it stopped it's ungodly beeping, and then rolled out of bed. Needless to say, I didn't want to get up or go to school, but, laws are laws and rules are rules; I guess. I was going through a rough patch, emotionally, and had been sleeping with my chest binder on for about a week now. I didn't usually do that, but I couldn't control myself. I could deal with the everlasting feeling of something on my body that shouldn't be there. 

I rub my eyes, look in the mirror, wince a little at the sight, and head to the bathroom to take my shower. I thought of the walk to the bathroom as a walk of shame, knowing that I'd have to undress in there. I can hear my mom yelling, but it's all muffled at this point. I'm just tired. So tired. 

"Corrine! Wake up!" 

She shouted. 

"Mom, I'm f*****g up" 

I mumbled to myself, but then I shouted back,

"I'm awake and I'm getting in the shower, Mom!"

She leaves me alone when I use my higher pitched voice on her. 

I walked into the bathroom and drudgingly sat on the edge of the tub and undressed. The last thing I took off was my underwear. First, I had to find a way to squeeze out of my binder, which had been rubbing against my skin, and caused a huge red blister on my side, and I was unable to take deep breaths completely, but I didn't really notice. Then my underwear. Which was the worst part, because I have one thing on my body I don't want there, and another thing that I need that isn't there. It's ironic and sad all at the same time. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw tears slowly slip out of my eyes and down my cheeks. 

"Why do I look like this?" 

I whispered to myself in the mirror. 

I just wanted to get this over with. 

I turned the water onto its highest setting and stepped in the shower. Now, granted, my showers don't last very long, but they do leave me incredibly red. I like to take super hot showers. I joke that I like to practice burning in hell, but really they make me feel like I'm washing away the parts of me that make me feel uncomfortable and dysphoric in my body. I don't know, they just help a little bit. 

I quickly shower and then race out of there to go put some clothes on. 

After safely back in my room I grab a pair of boxers from the top drawer of my dresser, and start attempting to get my binder on. First I try stepping into it. Fail. Then I try putting it on like a tube top. How am I supposed to get my arms through now? Next. I have to try and squeeze it over my head and force my arms through, and even then, it took like ten minutes to put on. My binder is not all that helpful, but it does help a little bit. Most boys bind up to keep from being unhealthy and causing long-term issues, like cancers. I bind down. I don't care, as long as I somewhat pass. 

I go to the bottom left drawer of my dresser and there, waiting for me, is about twelve pairs of black jeans. Without looking, I pick a pair and slip them on, jumping to get them over my a*s, which is pretty nice, if I'm being honest, I'm not going to lie. Then I had to choose a s****y pair of socks I can use to stick down my pants to make it look like I have a dick; this is called "packing", and it sucks. I glance at the clock, 6:00. Okay. I walk over to the closet and finger through my shirts. I pick a graphic tee, and slip it over my head. I always have to make sure to pull on the front to stretch it out, because it makes my chest less noticeable. All of my shirts are stretched and ruined. Then I pop a pair of socks on and go to do my hair. Oh and brush my teeth. That is important. 

I open the door to my room and automatically am greeted with my mother, shouting again. 

"Corrine, hurry up, you're going to be late!" 

It was literally, 6:10 and I didn't have to leave until 7:15. Was she crazy? 

"I have to do my hair, then I'll be right down!"

I opened the bathroom door and stepped inside once again. My sock was getting wet from all of the shower steam condensation, but I didn't have the energy to care. I opened the counter drawer and pulled out the styling gel I used everyday. I had wavy-type hair, but sometimes it would go straight if I put this stuff in it. I spent at least fifteen minutes trying to get my hair to lay the right way, and then another five minutes wondering if this shirt didn't hide my chest enough. Finally, I just said "f**k it" and started brushing my teeth. 

I started down the stairs, with all of my school s**t in my school bag, and my shoes on, I was fully ready to walk out the door at 6:57. I walked into the kitchen, and there was mom, doing some paperwork for her office. She was a defense attorney, and a pretty damn good one, too. 

"God, Corrine, you look awful" 

she looked me up and down, and then went back to looking at her work.

"You look like you just rolled out of bed."

"I did" 

I tried to be as emotionless as possible, just to annoy her. 

God, I hated the name "Corrine". It's not my f*****g name, respect me goddamnit. 

"Okay well, I'm going to hell now" I said. 

"School?" She replied.

"Same difference" I retorted.

"Alright, I'll see you tonight. Goodbye Corrine. I love you!" She called after me. 

I was already walking away when I called back "I love you too!" 

When I walked outside and shut the door, I was basically rushing out of the house and down the street. The air was cold on my face, but I kept pushing through against the wind. When I got a far enough distance away from my house I mumbled out the words 

"It's Cameron, not Corrine."